Adios 2010!!

We’re in the final stretch toward the end of 2010 and the beginning of 2011. I’m preparing for the year ahead but first reflecting on the past year. My memories are bringing a smile to my face, as I’m very happy about it. It was a good, no, GREAT year! Does that mean everything went according to my plan? No, not at all. But I didn’t “struggle” like I use to. Instead I chose to flow with life enjoying some plans as they flourished and rolling with the bumps that I had to endure. Life doesn’t promise perfection but we can choose to have a positive outlook, a perspective that sees opportunity and the bounce back of a champion!

I am examining my heart and thoughts and experiences of 2010 trying to nail down the biggest lesson I learned this year was and I’d have to say it was fierce resiliency.

Resilience:

1. The power or ability to return to the original form, position, etc., after being bent, compressed, or stretched; elasticity.

2. Ability to recover readily from illness, depression, adversity, or the like; buoyancy.

Isn’t that a powerful word? Not only did resiliency breed a fierce fighter within me, it also gave me a deeper sense of humility and empathy toward others who have or are trying to bounce back. It leaves little room for judgment but a heart full of compassion for my fellow fighters. It’s not always easy to stand up under the weight of difficulties so I applaud all who decide to continue to fight for good in their lives. And since we’re all humans with strengths and weaknesses, triumphs and setbacks, successes and failures, we might as well push through it all and come out better, wiser, kinder, resilient human beings.

Here’s to an amazing 2010 with all of its well-earned life lessons and looking toward 2011 with hope, possibilities, courage, learning, growth and love.

Peace, Love & Light!

“Man never made any material as resilient as the human spirit.” – Bern Williams

“Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.” - Confucius

Last-Minute Adventure!!

I talk a lot about venturing out into the unknown. Life is short. To spend your life passionless, disconnected and rehearsing old issues is a sad existence. Especially when we have the power to choose something different. Christmas for me has been difficult because it’s when my sister passed away. I dread seeing it coming and became a bit of a hermit Scrooge. But I decided I needed to make new memories of this time of year. And this year was spectacular. I took a last-minute trip to San Francisco with a friend and spent the holiday in the most unconventional way, at least compared to my traditions. No Christmas trees, no nativity scenes, no gifts to wrap and unwrap (not that anything is wrong with that). Instead I saw a side of the country that I’ve wanted to move to for some time.

Enjoyed delightful conversation, laughed like a kid, nibbled on great food and tasted delicious wines. This year I celebrated by being present and in the moment of something new. I learned a lot about myself and welcomed the enlightenment. It was a power-full choice. I continue to express gratitude for the opportunity to really LIVE.

Integrity and Self-Integration

Merriam-Webster's Dictionary gives one definition of integrity as the quality or state of being complete or undivided. When a person is living “complete or undivided” there’s a solidarity that exists between character and self, living harmoniously. I would say that person is fully self-integrated; woven together in such a way that they can be seamlessly counted on by themselves and others, honoring their personal values and living as one solid heart. On the other hand a person that lacks integrity or self-integration battles conflicting desires to the point where the lesser or the greater desires start to blur. They think, “...with no deliberation or discrimination between more or less worthwhile desires, then one clearly acts without integrity.”  (Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy)

I promised myself I would purposely pursue self-integration especially after
leaving religious dogma behind that used fear to try to create character and morality. Self-integration “implies moral soundness, purity and virtue of character as exemplified in sincerity, consistency, accountability and honesty.” (Robert Priddy)  It doesn’t happen through fear tactics or robotic adherence to rules imposed from the outside.   Character is a matter of personal choice.  Self-integration happens through the acceptance of self and natural human needs. To me its spiritual in nature as it bridges the gaps between my needs, deepest values and character.

The Problem: I recently made a choice that went against my values, causing pain
to a dear friend and marring my own character. Trust was broken because I chose to be withhold information. Sometimes people are don't say it all out of sheer malice but sometimes people are don't say it all in hopes to preserve love. I was hoping to preserve a relationship and it backfired because not being forthcoming gives an illusion that all is well until the truth reveals itself. Usually I live my life so that I don’t have to admit to anything that I would be ashamed of or I just choose to own what I do and not care what others think. But my recent choice expressed neither of these and caused such cognitive dissonance that it’s crippling.

“Dissonance is often strong when we believe something about ourselves and then do something against that belief. If I believe I am good but do something bad, then the discomfort I feel as a result is cognitive dissonance.” (Changing Minds)

So I sit here, typing my thoughts and pondering theories on integrity, facing my own shortcomings and sharing it with you. In all honesty I was nervous about beginning a blog on personal choice power because I knew I would not be able to fully live up to the standard. And now I realize I don’t have to. My Choice is about the journey of growth to making quality choices, learning from mistakes and recovering.

Today’s journey has taught me to be courageous enough to be honest regardless of the circumstance. It’s better to be known and loved for who I am than for who I am not. Don’t you think?

How Do You Teach Someone To Think Or See Things Differently?

I was asked this question in response to the Lose Your Mind post. Actually, here’s the question in its entirety:

“If ones mind is closed, how do you teach someone to think or see things different? Some people are so closed-minded that the way “they” think and believe is true and correct.”

I thought it was a great question and it got me to thinking, can you teach someone else to think or see differently? Lose Your Mind was about my decision to be open to alternative solutions for my own difficult situations. But it was MY decision. I think change requires a personal choice of the individual to be open and have a willingness to learn and change. Can another person cause it?   We can introduce new ideas, provoke thought and encourage others, which is what I hope my blog does for readers. But I don’t think a person’s mind is changed unless they are willing participants in the change.

Trying to change another person is out-of-bounds (a term I use to describe actions of crossing over to another person’s power to choose). It can leave you frustrated, angry and miserable. Since life continuously provides us with opportunities to grow, perhaps growth in this area would be becoming more open-minded yourself and accept that others are different. Or, focus on the decisions you yourself have the power to make.

“If everyone could learn that what is right for me does not make it right for anyone else, the world would be a much happier place.” - Dr. William Glasser

Relatively speaking, is one better than the other? Even the most open-minded person probably has a few beliefs that they hold on to tooth and nail.   So it becomes a bit egotistical, I think, to presume the open-minded people have the exact key to right thinking.

But perhaps, through love, understanding, acceptance and communication you can create an atmosphere that softens hearts, yours and others, to promote acceptance and openness.  Even if the change happens within you.

“Very often…the person who changes us does not even realize the positive and profound impact they have had. Why? Because they have not done anything directly and/ or intentionally for us. Rather, they have simply been living their own life in such a manner that we can’t help be changed for the better.” – The Change Blog

Practicing acceptance may be a way to live with those that seem more rigid in their beliefs. We have to share this planet with billions who don’t agree with us 100%.   But at the end of the day, the only person you can change is you, and even that’s no small undertaking.

Lose Your Mind

Some of the most painful and sad moments I’ve experienced to date were due to feeling my options were limited and I was stuck. I was unable to think of creative ways to solve issues, deals with conflict, cope with change etc. Due in part to being taught that there was only one “right” way to think and reason or I’d have hell to pay. Literally. So the best thing to do is suffer and wait…………………….

While waiting I cried, I prayed, I became even more dependent on a help that would come, um, while I wait…………………

Finally, I decided, this is stupid. I have a mind, I’m intelligent, I’m resourceful and answers are somewhere. Even if my all my problems could not be solved right away, I knew there had to be a happier way to live. Besides, nothing that I was experiencing was unique to me, just normal human life experiences. So why was I depressing? Because my mind was closed. I thought if I chose another route my life would fall apart (although my life was already falling apart…oh, the irony of it all).

I’ve talked before about creativity so I’ll quote myself here:

“Choices are made from your options and your options are as limited or as vast as your creativity. When you think ‘There’s nothing I can do. This is all I have.” Often what you may be revealing is “This is all I know.’” – From Blog Post 8-Pack Of Crayons

So I simply opened my mind. Got creative. Educated myself. Gained some different perspective. Asked new questions. Challenged the norm. Realized I had options. Took responsibility for my own peace and happiness. And guess what? I became HAPPY. No magic. Just grew up a bit. Try it! (Not saying you haven’t ☺) Life is life. None of us are immune to it. But we can all choose to be proactive, resilient and THRIVE.

You Don't Get That

I watched MTV's Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew over the weekend. During a session, one of his patients was going on and on about the love, affection, time and attention he didn't get from his now deceased father as a child. He was crying, complaining, blaming, venting when Dr. Drew interrupted and simply said "You don't get that." I was stunned. He (the patient), like me, stopped and stared. It sort of jolted him into reality. "You don't get that." All the time and energy he had been spending being angry and resentful about a past that could never be changed seemed futile. He was sure his drug and food abuse was his father’s fault but in an instant it looked as if he was hit with PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY as his face dried up and his color returned. Dr. Drew didn’t add some lengthy explanation. Just the statement. And the session ended shortly thereafter.

I thought WOW, what a powerful truth! "You don't get that." His father was gone. And there was no way for the patient to hear the apology he wanted to validate the hurt, disappointment and pain he was experiencing. I hate to sound morbid but it was as if he was wasting his life away on a dead person. The thought made me think of my own life. Who or what am I wasting my life on?

Since we can only control ourselves and we have no say in what another person admits to or not we might as well let it go and move on. Sure, it would be great to get that sort of validation but the future is still coming and waiting on us to live it regardless. We can live it looking backward or looking forward. Accepting that there are some things we just might not get is not the end of the world, just a reality. And living in reality, the here & now, is a whole lot more productive and satisfying. Thanks Dr. Drew!!

Love Wins Again

I wrongfully judged the happiness of a dear friend.  I never said anything to her about it but I questioned if she was happy, if the life she chose was really enough.

Who am I to even question another's choice?  Happy or not, it doesn't belong to me.  Completely out of bounds.  This I realize.  I digress.

But because love is my most faithful teacher, I was given the opportunity to spend some time with my friend and her husband and could do nothing but bask in the love oozing from them.  It was fun, natural, accepting, warm, inviting and pure.  I love when love proves me wrong and any cynicism I have is thrown out the window.  Again, I digress as love again, makes progress...over and over and over again.

Not A Thing, But A Think!

I was having a conversation with a friend about an event that involved us both.  I listened and I talked.  I discovered that we saw the same situation completely different.  We placed emphasis on different points and clearly did not agree. 

"No two people see the external world in exactly the same way. To every separate person a thing is what he thinks it is -- in other words, not a thing, but a think."  -PENELOPE FITZGERALD

Our perceptions of the same event gave us different views.  The event was what we "think".  Ever heard the saying "There are three opinions; mine, yours and the truth"?  It made me question truth.  Is there a TRUTH?  If we're all just perceiving as we think, then where is truth?  Seems to me that people argue more about their perceptions than truth.  However, my friend and I walked away with an acceptance of our differences and owning our own truth.  We're still friends. 

In relationships (of all kinds) parties may not agree because they simply think differently.  We're then given the opportunity to communicate, negotiate and compromise.  Be creative.  The world doesn't have to end because people think differently.

Who Said That?

Do you ever hear those annoying thoughts nagging at you typiucally right when you get a great idea, momentum to make life changes or a momemt complete peace and happiness??  You know the lines:

"That's a stupid idea."  "You won't make it."  "Something bad always happens so why try." "You have to keep up with them." "You don't fit in".  "Good things only happen to other people." "There's nothing more to life than what you see." "You are a loser and will always be a loser." "You always ruin everything."

Shall I go on or do you get my point?

Where do those thoughts come from?  I mean, who said that??  Your elementary school teacher, an old boyfriend, a parent,  a friend.  Who has you rehearsing those yucky thoughts?

 I've gotten to the point where I critique my thoughts.  Is this valid?  Or fear based?  Perhaps I need more information or experience or a new perception but self-defeating thoughts are ugly.  And we don't have to listen to them or take them seriously.  Thoughts are fleeting.  they come and go.  Good ones. Bad ones. Creative ones. Dreadful ones.  Some more than others.

I'm reminded of the saying "You can't stop a bird from flying overhead but you dont have to let it build a nest in your hair".  Or something like that.  You get my point right?

Making It Happen: Kantis Simmons

Check out my genius friend and mentor, author/motivational speaker Kantis Simmons featured in Inc. Magazine's December 2010/January 2011 issue with his mentor Josh Shipp.  I have an excerpt here but the article is a MUST read for you trailblazers out there.  Talk about phenomenal motivational speakers who happen to be great business men as well!!  Pick up a copy today!!

Choose To Feel Good!

I wonder if people feel sad then think sad or do they think sad and then feel bad? Do our thoughts  influence our emotions or do our emotions have a mind of their own?

I happen to believe that our thoughts are a key player in how we feel.  I'm enjoying a life of happiness, joy, adventure, purpose, love and discovery, not that I don't have my moments, but a clear difference from the couple of years that I thought life was too hard and unfair.  I use to want (beg) some outside force to "make it all better" but it didn't happen.  What DID happen was a choice.  I made a choice to be happy.  I thought happy, did things that I enjoyed doing, set attainable goals for my health, career, finances, relationships etc.  These choices added to my happiness.  I chose to spend time with people who also enjoyed their lives. You know, "the cup is half full" type of people.  And life changed.

I discovered some interesting things along the way.  For one,  "misery is comfortable".  It's like a bad habit that you can't seem to shake and every time you try you long to have it back.  When you try to let it go, you experience a void where the feelings of hopelessness once lived.  So how did I shake it?  I replaced misery with LIFE and LOVE and FUN and DISCOVERY and CONNECTION.  I stopped trying to change the things that were out of my control and focused on what I could do, my personal power to choose.  We all have needs that must be met, but we determine "how" they are met.  So the next time you need to "feel", choose to "feel" GOOD!!  I don't think feelings are to control us, but they do flag us to what's going on in us and in our lives.  Pay attention.  And then make a choice.

Make choices that add to your good and the good of others.  Besides, most of the stuff that we choose to feel bad about have to do with other people's choices or our perceptions of their choices.  Want a life tip?  WE CAN'T CONTROL EVERYTHING.  But you can choose how to respond.  Life is grand! LIVE IT!!

The Magical You by Mastin Kipp

The paradox

of Bliss

is This…

Give up what feels good

for what IS great

The sacrifice is well worth it

Surrender yourself

to the pulse of Love

and let Love guide you

towards purification

Where the imagined YOU

and the real YOU

become one

Love is expressing itself

Through you, every day in every way

If you could see the magic

That is unseen

You would never doubt Love again

But your journey is to find the blocks

and remove them

It is because you do not believe

That you do not see Love guiding you

Surrender to the pulse of Love

Give up what you think is good

for something magical

Let go of what you are

and become, at once

The magical you

©2010 Mastin Kipp via http://www.thedailylove.com/

....no explanation needed... MC

The Ambiguity of Choice

Why does it seem so hard for me to work out in the winter months?? Hmmm...Perhaps its the warmth of my bed tempting me in the mornings and the sun having set when I get off work in the evenings saying "time for bed again". Both situations nag at my decision to maintain a weekly exercise routine. But I know the benefits of exercise far outweigh the pleasures of sleeping in. So I choose to make it happen anyway.

When making choices we tend to look for the painless route or at minimum the “least” painful route. Have you ever made a decision, experienced discomfort then go back to the drawing board looking for a painless option? Choice requires courage, discipline and patience in order for your desired results to manifest. Seeing your dreams realized brings personal satisfaction, achievement and awareness of your personal power. But choices do not lack pain and/or loss. They are indeed ambiguous and we're rarely 100% sure of how everything will turn out.

I can usually find a minimum of two options when making a choice. And both bring me pleasure and both bring pain. Here’s how my decision to go to the gym  or sleep in on cold days looks on my pain vs. pleasure scale:

GOAL: Maintain a Lifestyle of Regular Exercise

Simple reasoning but it’s what I need to recall to memory when I’m feeling like slacking off.  But it’s the same theory with anything. A teen experiencing peer pressure from the "cool kids" to use drugs, planning to move to a new city, state or country, starting a new career, cooking dinner, dealing with a difficult relationship etc. Anytime there’s a decision to make we have options that bring both pleasure and pain (relatively speaking course). With each choice there's an "unknown" that exist and there's nothing we can do about it. Our ultimate goal serves as our blueprint so that each decision builds our dream, one choice at a time. Couple things to keep in mind:

• Feelings are real and they tells us we are alive but if they become our motivation for decisions then we might find ourselves going back and forth trying to avoid pain but no closer to our goal. 

• We are  never 100% sure of how things will turn out but we can use the information we have, keep the goal in mind and make the best possible decision we can at the moment.

"...a man is responsible for his choice and must accept the consequences, whatever they may be." -W. H. Auden

8-Pack of Crayons

Do you remember your first day of school? Your mom sent you on your way with a cardboard school supply box stashed with a 12” wooden ruler, a bottle of Elmer’s Glue (white), plastic grip scissors, two fat #2 pencils and a 8-pack of Crayola crayons just like the school list suggested just to get to class, sit down and look to your left and see your classmate has the massive 96-pack of crayons with tiered rows of like colors and a built-in sharpener! You turn and face forward and try with everything in you not to reveal your minuscule pack of primary colors. You think "There’s no way my refrigerator door art will be as colorful as hers".  Ok, maybe it was just me. 

Choices are made from your options and your options are as limited or as vast as your creativity. When you think “There’s nothing I can do. This is all I have.” Often what you may be revealing is “This is all I know.”

Choice Theory says that all humans have five basic needs: love & belonging, power, freedom, safety & survival and fun. Our choices are motivated by our attempts to get these needs met even though the level of value of each need may vary from person to person. And that’s perfectly ok. However, problems may occur when you only see one way to get your needs met i.e., a specific person, or job, or event. Although these needs must be met, it would make this life journey a bit more pleasant if you become creative about your options. Here’s an example of the needs, limited options and creativity:

I’m not implying that loving Ted is wrong or that wanting to be with Rebecca is a bad, but if Ted doesn’t love you or Rebecca doesn’t want to be with you then you might want to find new ways to meet your love & belonging needs. Perhaps they do love you and want to be with you but you are sucking the life out of them because you see them as your only source for love & belonging. Love & belonging is not limited to romantic relationships. Human beings need connection with other human beings so to limit the possibility of love & belonging existing only within a romantic relationship with “Ted” or “Rebecca” when we live on a planet of 7,061,963,388 people (as of November 18, 2010 at 9:07am….and counting), you might want to open up to creativity.

It’s ok to want a new job or a promotion at a particular company that you’ve given years of time and energy to, but if that isn’t happening for you then try applying at different companies, positions, or a new career path.  To base your success-o-meter  on what happens at company XYZ, Inc. is limiting and you might want to open up to creativity. (I just met a 68-year-old woman who has changed careers at least four times and is still thriving and enjoying life and learning.)

I understand in a very personal way the battle against family history illnesses so I’m not in any way belittling those fears. But what I am saying is to focus on sickness and giving up on change (although it is your choice to do so) won’t meet your survival & security need. Diet and exercise, mental and emotional stability and fostering hope can add a chance of a healthier, longer life and a perspective of not only surviving but LIVING. (As a friend told me last night “...life is for the living...”) FACT #1: We will all die. FACT #2: We can choose how to live.

Get where I’m going with this? Alabama is beautiful; I was born and raised there. But there’s a huge PLANET called Earth that has even more to experience. And while fun is relative (so party on!) if your relationships (or your wallet) is suffering because of continual partying and drinking but you can’t seem to imagine fun any other way then you might want to open up to creativity.

We must have our needs met but there’s no rule that says “how” we must meet them. We can choose to open our minds, rid them of the limitations and gain some new perspective. Become creative with your 8 pack of crayons; mixing colors, shading at times, pressing down hard at others. Besides there would be no color without the primary colors!! Go ahead….CREATE a GREAT LIFE!!!

Temper Tantrums!

Each of us has our own thoughts on how the world should be.  Even the most open-minded.  We have priorities, views, preferences, rules, rights and wrongs.  And that's normal.  We're human.  So what happens when someone we love doesn't want to play according to our rules?  Do we perceive them as mean and uncaring? Selfish and prideful?  Is that true?  Or are we the mean, uncaring, selfish and prideful of the two?

Enter the crying and screaming, ignoring and disregard. I think of these fits as adult temper tantrums.  Think about it.  The boyfriend won't apologize, or go to the party, or lose weight, or spend money (or stop spending money).  Or the girlfriend won't stop yelling and nagging, or lose weight, or stop spending money or (**insert your grievance here**).  Guess what?  They don't have to.  And neither do you.  I think (and this is my box) expectations will hijack your emotions every time.   You end up looking like the pouting kid who took the playground ball and went home.

Sometimes....most times its easier to let people be who they are.  And then decide from there what kind of relationship you want to have with them.  Truthfully you don't have to have a relationship at all.  Yes, you CAN decide not to be with someone.  Or, you can love them as is....make requests and still love them as is (because a request doesn't guarantee change)...or they just might make the adjustment!  All in all, free love and friendship is waaaaaay better than forced, coerced, manipulated, fear based, temper tantrum love.  If you get your way, then you gotta keep doing it to maintain it.  Who wants that?? YUCK!

Familiar vs The Unknown

Sometimes the hardest thing about change is the unfamiliar.  It can be scary and uncomfortable to make choices in our life that require us to change, spark change in others or changes our situation.  The familiar, even when it's bad for us or keeps us stagnant, can often provide a sense of comfort.  Family Counselor Cotina Houston, MS, LPC of Serenity Counseling says,

"If something is wrong or doesn't feel right to you, you should never find yourself getting "use to it". Example, "I'm used to him calling me out my name" or "I'm used to her not being appreciative of my hard work". We should never allow negative behavior to be our norm."

That's what we see happening when we find ourselves in bad relationships or dead-end jobs or with horrible eating habits.  We've become comfortable with the familiar so much so that the "bad" feels better than trying something new.  I believe the same is true for the positive things in our lives.  You'll often see successful business people looking for new ways to advertise the same product, a teacher may explore new techniques to teach or a mom may search for a new recipe for dinner.  It can be the same thing with a new twist.  It keeps us thriving as human beings to think and be creative.  

Truth is, everything changes and even if the "thing" or "situation" doesn't change, our perception of it can and often does.  Look at technology today.  You can be afraid of it and get left behind.  Job opportunities can become limited because of the fear of the unknown.  Whenever I feel apprehensive about embarking on something new I tell myself, "There are millions of people who already understand this (whatever "this" is), so all I have to do is learn more about it.  By this time next year I will understand this so I will push past these emotions and do it afraid."

Change is a part of life.  And it happens whether we choose it or not.  Good things become better or deteriorate, bad things get worse or get better.  We get older, gain weight (or lose weight), people die, relationships change or end, we understand a concept in one way and then we see it completely anew or different.  Not to mention the whole winter, spring, summer, fall thing.  The same but different, every year. Change is happening.  Instead of resisting change (which can cause a great deal of stress), try looking at life as an adventure, a journey on which you choose to be fully engaged.  Sure you may feel the tug at your heart, your mind and your comfort to stay the same, but at the same time you may feel a tug at your heart, your mind and your comfort to grow, learn, experience someone or something different and get out of the box of your own familiarities. 

Set sail, participate, take the road less traveled, appreciate the familiar and embrace the unknown.  It's not so bad and you just might like it!

Relationship Talk

I was chatting with a friend about love and relationships.  We talked about exercising choice power while dealing with the emotional sides of a relationship.  In particular loving from choice vs loving from...mmm...desperation and emotions alone.  Here are a few points we settled on during our conversation:

1. Choices must be made whether your feelings agree with your head or not.  Sometimes it seems easier to give way to emotions and clam up to avoid issues or to snap at someone during frustrating moments.  However, when emotions are leading we often find ourselves saying things we don't mean, agreeing to things that really go against our character, compromising our "self" and character.  But there are things that must be done regardless of how we feel, choices that have to be made, conversations that have to take place etc.  Avoidance often leads to resentment.  It's like a simmering pot waiting to boil over or dry up.  Either way, the issue will show up again.  Might as well deal with it in truth and courage.  Besides, you want your partner to be in love with the real you, not the you you pretend to be. 

2. You gotta have it to give it. Self-awareness is key.  The more in tune you are with your strengths and weaknesses, your hang ups and fears, your gifts and skills, the more you can address issues in a realistic way.  Getting ego out of the way and allowing yourself to be vulnerable allows for more love and connection to happen in a relationship.  If there's something you simply don't have a clue about, say so.  To pretend or to told hold someone to an unrealistic standard when you yourself can't do it nor can your partner, is a waste of energy and of time that could be used to nurture your relationship.  Know what you have to give, be honest about where you lack skills and understanding and then get help to grow.   

3. Response determines the outcome, not the initial conflict.  Every relationship has conflict, even healthy relationships (if there's never any conflict then it's possible that someone is hiding and compromising self).  Coworkers, family, romantic and friendship relationships  all have areas of disagreement and that's not a big deal.  The issue is how we respond to the conflict.  We can get further with listening to understand (even if we don't agree) as well as speaking to clarify (even if it takes saying it a different way).  And after all that sometimes you have to walk away knowing that you have a difference of opinion but maintaining a mutual respect for individuality.  Besides, who wants to live in a world where everyone is a carbon copy of you? Boring.

Am I Worthy of Decisions That Protect Me? Part 2

I mentioned yesterday that I would poll men to see how they felt about their worth and making choices that support their individual needs. Here's the question I posed and a few responses:

Question: When you make a decision for YOU like having fun, spending money and self-care, do you question if you're worth it or feel guilty?

Responses:

"Never! I may (question) if it’s wise financially, morally, etc." - C., 37

"Nope, I'm always worth it.  'Is it the right time?' is the question." - S., 36

"I don't question if I'm worth it...I question if I have the time for that right now, or what's on my schedule.  I'm always worth it." - K., 37

"I use to.  Now that I'm free (from what people think), I do what I (want to) without questioning or feeling guilty." - J., 37

Interesting huh? 

I appreciated how strong the responses were regarding their worth.  These men seem to value themselves while at the same time consider their responsibilities and priorities.   Sounds like a nice balance.  What do you think?

Am I Worthy of Decisions That Protect Me?

I was listening to a woman talk about a series of events that led to her making some defining choices about her life.  She's learning to trust herself and has been doing a great job at it.  But she made a decision recently that someone in her quality world might not like. (Choice Therapy defines "quality world" as a place of importance in your life or heart.) She was now questioning her decision and said, "I felt bad about making a decision to protect myself."  Immediately after she said that she chuckled.  I didn't ask why she chuckled after making such a powerful statement but I imagined she realized what she had said.  I asked her to repeat it.  We both wowed about it.

Because I've heard this mode of thinking before from many women (myself included) I wondered why women have the tendency to question our worth.  I'm going to ask men about it over the next couple of days to compare thoughts.  But women seem to have such a hard time with taking care of self and others at the same time.  Does one have to suffer for the other to survive?  Do you give away your lives to husbands, children, work, friends to wake up one day and wonder what happened to "ME"?  Forgetting to laugh, travel, plan, spend time with friends, furthering education, save money, working out, rest just because you want to? That ought not be.  I heard a woman admit to giving away her life to raising her children.  And now that the children are grown and building their own lives she's looking around like what now? I don’t have children so I won't pretend to understand a mother's position.  But I will share what I've heard one self-caring mother say,

"I'm raising my children to be productive adults in our world. I love them, nurture them, play with them, laugh etc., but I will not stop living just because I have children.  My husband and I will date and travel and enjoy our life along the way so that when our children grow up and leave we will still know each other.  I will stay connected to my friends and what's important to me as an individual." 

I'll let that statement speak for itself.

But what I can comment on from experience is being married and giving away parts of myself that should have been reserved for me, only to find myself in a state of hardened resentment.  After getting a divorce I noticed I was unfamiliar with "me" and faced with unsettling difficulties in my decision-making skills when it came to taking care of myself.  While I 100% support giving, compromise and healthy interdependence in a relationship I think it's equally important to give to oneself and stay abreast of what's going on in your life.  Besides, how can you love, take care of and support others without first loving, taking care of and supporting yourself?

I think we do ourselves and our families a disservice when we ignore our personal needs in an effort to take care of them.  I believe we can and must do both in order to love well and be a solid partner in our relationships be it marriage, as parents, co-workers etc.  So take self-inventory and clear away any cobwebs that have been created in areas gone un-nurtured in you by you.  Be it healthy diet and exercise plans, rekindled friendships, volunteer work that you value, maintaining financial acumen, expanding your education, exploring new hobbies, maintaining emotional and mental health, traveling the world or a regularly scheduled day at the spa, make a decision to take care of the whole you so that you have something to willingly give to those you love.

A Little At A Time

I have yet another busy week ahead of me.  I just mapped out my list of tasks for the week and seeing it in black and white helped to bring a sense of calm and clarity.  Although I have a lot to get done, I've decided to break it all up over the next seven days taking it little by little.

I read something last night that really helped me stay focused.  There was a woman who wanted to lose weight.  She wanted to be 30lbs lighter and wanted it all to happen NOW.  So her plan (that had been tried before and failed) was to go all out immediately.  You know that crash diet plan: no food, work out three time a day etc.  However, the only way to lose weight in a healthy way and keep it off is to change your life not your week.  One has to chisel away at the unwanted pounds little by little.  But the woman wanted immediate gratification and gave little value to the realistic pound or two a week that a real plan would give her.  Then Dr. Henry Cloud, author of  Nine Things You Simply Must Do said "No successful person ever lost 30lbs without first losing one."  He urged her to begin to value a little at a time.  It made sense. 

The bottom line is things take time, especially any lasting change that we want to make in our lives.  The microwave method doesn't work.  We'll simply find ourselves back to square one and often with wasted time and energy, exhausted and frustrated, having taken shortcuts that led to detours and bringing us no closer to our goal.  So with that tidbit of wisdom in mind I'm taking my week one day at a time, one task at a time, one accomplishment at a time.  What about you?

Show Up

This week was tough for me.  Meaning I had tons of projects at work, mounds of homework and studying to do, prep for volunteering, make sure I hit the gym like I planned and spend time with a few friends.  I never seemed to get in bed at the time I wanted to and woke up tired almost everyday.  However, I showed up.  I noticed that I made a choice at every turn.  Where I could have gotten frustrated and annoyed (which I felt), I'd make another choice and show up fully engaged at each task.  Even when it was something I really didn't enjoy it was up to me to get it done and over with.  Dread has a way of sapping your energy.  Don't let it! 

I know that nothing was happening to me outside of normal life.  Life happens to us all.  Welcome to humanity.  I don't think it's what happens to us or the responsibilities we have that brings us to frustration more than our attitude towards it ( and a lack of planning and time management).  A few things I like to remind myself of is that: 1) This is what life consists of; routines, work and responsibilities, 2) I wont feel like this once I finish my tasks, and 3) Nothing changes unless I make it change.   So now that my thoughts are calm I can prioritize and mark things off my to-do list as they happen.  With a shift in my thinking, I feel accomplished, succesful, happy and view myself as a contributor to the world even from my little corner of the planet.  Now what I do plan to do is review my week so that I can go into next week a bit more prepared, learning from experiences but showing up nonetheless. 

RESTART

Sunday is my favorite day of the week.  Something about it says RESTART and I feel energized.  But I love any new day, a new week, a new school year, newly washed laundry, a clean page in my journal, the delete button, choosing to forgive or being forgiven, hitting the gym, opening a savings account...  Any thing that says let's start anew.  I try not to forget to be responsible for anything I need to tidy up about yesterday, but to take yesterday's old into my RESTART, no way!    I miss it sometimes and recall a mistake made or a bad decision that I regret.  But since I can't change yesterday I might as well be happy and positive about today.  I think life offers us so many opportunities to start again.  And life is way too short to give energy to dead horses.  So go ahead, and hit that RESTART button on your life.  You can decide to forgive someone, forgive yourself, set new financial goals, read a new book, start your new business, drink more water, or just BE HAPPY.  Whatever it is RESTART!!.

Suffocate

My heart is closed, protected by rules

Grasping for love, scared

I suffocate myself

I want to jump, fall and fly

But no breath, scared

I suffocate myself

Light peeks, I see it, Love, I long for it

I jump, I fall, I fly

Suffocate I

No more

I wrote this while feeling both the longings of love and the need to protect myself from it.  It truly felt like suffocation; to impede, stifle, smother, prevent flow.  If love is a living, moving breathing force then fear is its nemesis.  They both exist.  Fear won't kill you but it will surely make you feel like you're dying and that "suffocation" can open the door for  deaths of relationships, health, finances, change etc. 

Today I pray, hope, send energy and words in hopes that we all choose love.  A force that never stops.  Suffocate "we", No more. 

Millionaire....

Just downloaded the audio book for The Millionaire Next Door by Thomas J. Stanley and William D. Danko.  I remember it hitting the scene a while back but never got into it.  I admit I was skeptical because I'm not interested in any get rich quick schemes or metaphysical manifestations of money appearing out of nowhere.  However, when I've judged something without real knowledge about it I can admit when I'm wrong.  And I was wrong! 

This book is really interesting.  It points out the practical sides of building wealth ya know; hard work, budgeting, patience, changing your habits.  And it also exposes the fake "rich" that are flashy hyper consumers who care more about "looking" rich than being wealthy.  The authors go on to say that in their search for millionaires to study they were surprised at the number of wealthy people who lived in normal neighborhoods, drove normal cars, had normal jobs etc.  They give tons of  examples like a couple that made less than $80K a year having a net work more than a person that made upwards of $200K a year.  It's a great look into America's wealthy as well as a good kick in the butt for anyone serious about their financial future.  

Personally it's reminding me to make power choices regarding spending, saving, investing and to question why I want some of the things I want (like a new pair of boots).  I want financial freedom more than new shoes so I had better make power choices that support that goal, ey? 

Do It Afraid

I saw the Lion King over the weekend for the first time and LOVED IT!! The stage play that is.  I think it was better than the cartoon because of the costumes and the music and the passion the actors displayed.  You know the story; adventurous kid, curious and fearless until something happens that robs him of his inherent freedom.  He runs.  Hides.  Settles in to a new life that isn't completely satisfying but fear keeps him there.  He even defends his mediocrity.   Then he sees an old friend that reminds him of who he really is and how he (his presence, his gifts, his perspective) is needed.  He then chooses to be courageous even though he doesn't necessarily FEEL courageous.  He returns home, fights for personal freedom and for the livelihood of his community.  The End! 

Isnt this our story?  To some extent anyway.  Sure, we're not all kings of the jungle, but the child in us still exists and thrives on imagination and freedom and adventure and curiosity and isn't afraid to dream.  Were you robbed?  Did some situation, person, experience or mindset creep in and convince you that you aren't worthy of seeing your deepest values expressed in your life??  FIGHT!  Get up, take a step, have faith, believe, ask for help, educate yourself, try something different. 

I read a book by a christian author who said we should "DO IT AFRAID!"  "IT" being whatever it is that is holding you back from LIFE.  Face it.  It's probably not as big as it seems.  I've found in my life that the fear of something is usually scarier than the actual "something".  So with a pounding heart and shaking in your boots DO IT AFRAID!!! (And go see The Lion King too!!)

A Different View

I spent the weekend in Chicago and tried to do as much of the touristy stuff I could cram into one long weekend.  One in particular was the Sky Deck at the  Willis Tower, formally known as the Sears Tower, the tallest structure in the world.  It was AWESOME or I'm a really big nerd.  Either way I was inspired by both the engineering of the building originally to accommodate Sears employees under one roof and the sheer beauty of the views.

The Sky Deck has a feature called The Ledge where you can step out on clear glass and see up, down, right and left CHICAGO from 103 stories high.  So of course I had to try it.  I'm a bit adventurous so I didn't think anything about it until it was my turn.  I sorta peeked over to make sure I wouldn't plummet to the earth!!  

Ok, now I'm nervous.  My friend stepped out with me but for some reason we were both moving very slowly and quietly as if any sudden moves would cause the glass t0 shatter.  We stood and the first place we looked was DOWN......still being ever so careful.  I'm not even sure if we were breathing, just standing and taking it all in. WOW. BEAUTIFUL. AMAZING.  COOL!!  Then I wanted to snap a quick corner picture to see me isolated in mid-air.  Pretty neat.  Because I'm always thinking about choices and living life to the fullest I immediately starting thinking about the view.  I had been in Chicago for three days already but the view from the Willis Tower gave me an entirely different perspective.  Much like life, we can see the same people, go to the same jobs, live in the same neighborhoods, see the same movies, hear the same songs and SEE the same thing.  But when we choose to look from a different angle, a slightly tilted head, we can find new meaning in life.  Love can be rekindled, a new way to work a current job or carve out a new career, opportunites for education, taking a stroll down a different path, watching a movie focusing on a different character's perspective can all make the same...NEW and EXCITING.  Again, as I've shared before, My Choice isn't some new philosophy, I simply aim to point out a power that already exist in us all to make the most of our lives; to think and see differently and open our hearts and minds to freedom and adventure!! 

Open The Gates

Sometimes one of the most challenging things about choice power is owning your choices when things feel uncomfortable.  When a choice turns out the way you hoped then all is well with the world. But what about when you've had to make a choice based on your deepest values but the outcome isn't what you expected or hoped for.  Do you change your mind, do you go back on your decision, do you say "I was just playing"?

I want to point out a couple of thoughts to help us deal with this dilemma.  "For choice to flourish there must be follow through".  When changing your life and learning to make choices that support your change you will face some push back.  Push back from others but also push back from yourself.  You may start to question yourself, your judgment, and fear creeps in.  I look at it like working out or saving money.  You're building.  And the only way to build is to be patient, add it all up over time until you see the completed structure (or stronger muscles or a plump savings account). There's no way around patience and hard work.  "Things take as long as they take."

The other thought is that you can change.  Setting boundaries is vital to one's life.  It helps you identify what you want and says to others who you are.  Boundaries are beneficial in that the offer protection, guard rails, clarity.  As Dr. Henry Cloud illustrates, boundaries are like walls, guarding what gets in and what gets out.  But those walls can have gates, that open and close as you are ready.  Let's say you've set some boundaries for your spending and savings plan.  You're clear on your budget and that wall is in place.  But perhaps there's an organization you want to give to, hurricane victims for example, and giving would change your allotted savings amount for a month or two or however long you want to give.  Everything in your heart says to help.  What do you do?  Open the gate, let it out!

Remember choices and boundaries should be based on your deepest values and you are in control, the CEO of your life.  Boundaries aren't meant to be rigid and void of life and love.  You build them and you can change them.  When making choices for your life it's important to learn to trust yourself, allow for flexibility, educate yourself when needed and go for it!  It may cause discomfort temporarily but the rewards are well worth it.

My Life In Haiti by Butterfly

Today I'm sharing a post from a fellow blogger, Butterfly, who also happens to be my personal trainer.  Well, that was until she left for Haiti.  Here's a behind the scene view of her trip that really moved me.  She made a choice even when things didn't look favorable and it's beautiful.  Check it out...

Written On:  Sunday:  July 25, 2010

Waiting on Me: "Tomorrow doesn’t envy Today, and Today doesn’t ask questions about Yesterday…because it knows its purpose..."

So that’s what I tell my daughter: Never wait!  Never wait for me… never wait on love.  Never wait to live.  Waiting is what causes anger, sadness, guilt, envy, and impatience. So, never wait…continue.  This trip that I am on… needed to be postponed------- for another time------ perhaps another person, and many would say, “Another place.” So why am I here? The adventure, the escape, the work or perhaps my instinctual, self-inflicted responsibility to uphold family tides.  I don’t know… those all sound good. But, I’d be fool to answer that today (8 days into the trip).  The answer will reveal itself…if I don’t get in the way.  Hell, the answer will find away, even if I do!  For now, I’m enjoying the nice sounds of cooing children and clucking chickens.  Good mornings that start at 5 and calm nights that darken at 7.  There is so much to do in a life…and standing still Has To Be one of the options.  Here in Haiti I am able to be actively lazy.  Doing my day-to-day activities don’t bring prosperity, but peace.

In a week Haiti has become my home and hope.  How is this possible?  Well, simple, there are no accommodations here.  You’re quickly swept into normal life, while you ride helmet free on a motorcycle in an open road with minimal signs and signals.  Normalcy kicks in somewhere between fetching water from the well to flushing your own toilet manually.   Hospitality is of most importance, so I can only giggle as I have breakfast with territorial roaches, greedy flies, and a curious mouse that walks around, freely, even while humans are around.  I don’t really know where I am, but there’s peace
every time I wake up and pronounce my name to the sun...with a smile.  I am on the roof…daily: Praying, reading, and journaling.  Looking down at the animals that get to rummage free, even if their final destiny be in someone’s kitchen table…the chickens and roosters, the pigs and hogs, the goats and cows, the cats and dogs, the donkeys and horses… are home, like me.    

Choice Theory

While having dinner with a group of friends and catching up on what we had all been up to I began to talk about choices.  I went on and on about the simple premise of “choice power”.  I grew up with my choices predetermined and options narrowed by religion, the lack of self-awareness and effective communication skills that often made me feel stuck in life.  But after experiencing some very difficult situations that included the sudden death of my sister, a painful divorce, betrayal from respected religious leaders (of which I based a lot of my life’s choices on), I came to the conclusion that I had better start living MY LIFE.  It was hard because I felt like I was going against the grain within myself, my family and friends and spirituality.  It would have been easier to blame others for my pain, heartbreak, loneliness and be mad at everybody else (and that worked for a while) but it offered no resolve nor peace.  So I decided to dig deep, explore new thoughts and ask for help from God, friends, family, counselors, books etc.  I knew that there were things I clearly didn’t understand but when you’ve been conditioned to not ask questions and just do what you’re told, you lose touch with reality, self-awareness and choice.  Growth and development is stunted.  But I fought for my freedom and won.  I took baby steps and started making some major choices that changed my thinking, relationships, spirituality, sexuality, finances, health, self-esteem, ideas about love and overall happiness. 

I’m not saying that I have figured life out especially since I see life as a journey to explore and learn from daily not some case to crack.  However, if I did have the “answer” to life I’d bottle it up and sell it on one of those “As Seen On TV” infomercials and be next BIG THING.  But what I am saying is that I became aware of the power I was given to make free will choices and that what I was experiencing in my life was more my doing or not doing than some ex-husband, the “man” or the devil.  I learned to stop trying to control everybody else and just “choose” for me.  It was no easy task because often those choices put a wedge between me and my family and friends.  I was becoming my own person and others didn’t like it (neither did I sometimes).  Shoot,  a wedge was forming between my spending habits and my savings account, my sleeping habits and getting things done, my eating habits and the gym, my childhood “god” and the divinity within me that was me.  I was challenged in every way, but I was becoming more honest and authentic, creative and confident, and that fueled the fire in me to stay on task.  I felt a bit like a scientist doing research, testing theories and recording the outcomes.  I saw life changing and working for me.  I saw myself grow (up) tremendously. 

So back to that dinner I mentioned earlier.  I told my friends about my theories and tests.  I talked about how I was writing it all down, sharing it with kids I mentored and other friends that were having difficulties in life and how beautiful it was to watch them see their power.  I knew this was something I wanted to do with my life; share choice power, as I understand it, with the world or at least anyone that would hear me.  One of my friends asked “Have you heard of Dr. William Glasser?”  She went on to tell me about Choice Theory, a psychotherapy he created in 1965.  Glasser’s theory concludes that “we are social creatures and need each other and that the cause of almost all psychological symptoms is our inability to get along with the important people in our lives.”¹  Choice Theory replaces external control (trying to make people do what we want) with making caring choices (supporting, encouraging, listening, accepting, trusting, respecting, negotiating differences) that help bring more authenticity to life and relationships.   He developed the ten axioms of choice theory as:

• 
  
  The only person whose behavior we can control is our own.
• All we can give another person is information.
• All long-lasting psychological problems are relationship problems.
• The problem relationship is always part of our present life.
• What happened in the past has everything to do with what we are today, but we can only satisfy our basic needs right now and plan to continue satisfying them in the future.
• We can only satisfy our needs by satisfying the pictures in our Quality World.
• All we do is behave.
• All behavior is Total Behavior and is made up of four components: acting, thinking, feeling and physiology.
• All Total Behavior is chosen, but we only have direct control over the acting and thinking components. We can only control our feeling and physiology indirectly through how we choose to act and think.
• 
  
  All Total Behavior is designated by verbs and named by the part that is the most recognizable. 

Glasser’s theories were sparked by Williams T. Powers, a scientist who developed perceptual control theory (PCT) which emphasizes that “behaviour is purposeful rather than "reactionary".”²  I love that!!  Let me say it again:

“behaviour is purposeful rather than "reactionary"

Can you feel the power in that statement?  We do stuff on purpose whether we want to admit it or not.  We behave as we choose to.  Our choices are our lives.  These concepts were like music to my ears and joy to my heart.  I felt like I was no longer speaking a foreign language.  Needless to say I jumped in head first to study these theories and more like them and drank it all up like water and along came My Choice, a program I developed to introduce these thoughts to others.  I saw what I call “choice power” everywhere, in movies and televisions shows, heard it in music, read it in the bible and other religious writings.  I saw it in my life and it changed me.  My hope is that it will enrich the lives of others as it has for me.

_________________ 

¹ http://www.wglasser.com/

² http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Perceptual_control_theory

The Idle Chooser

A friend said to me "Sometimes I don't want to make a decision at all.  I'd rather let everybody else choose."  She said this while in the midst of a very difficult situation where she had to make a choice.  In light of the circumstances I completely understood where she was coming from.  I've been there myself.  However, even when you're "not" making a choice you are actually "making a choice".  There's no way around it.  As hard and uncomfortable as it may be I can promise you it's better to make a choice that supports your values, truths, plans and goals versus sitting idle.  The idle choice gives you ammunition to cast false blame on others. "It's not my fault."  "I didn't want that."  I call it false because you, the idle chooser, chose not to do anything.  But when you consciously and purposefully make a choice you get to see its power. Your power.  Even if the results are less desirable than intended you got to see that you can make something happen and, if necessary, have the ability to make another choice...and another...and another...and another. 

What do you say we face our fears, take responsibility for our lives and set the course by making our own choices ON PURPOSE!!

Authentic YOU...Authentic Love...

Sometimes we love people by hiding pieces of ourselves in hopes that they will love or continue to love us as we become their perfect creation (an impossibility because perfect people don’t exist).  The focus becomes “keeping the peace” or “not setting him/her off” etc.  We don’t want to be rejected or cause a fight or make someone angry.  In actuality someone being angry is their responsibility not yours. More about that later.  When we fail to stand up for ourselves and let things ride that we are completely against, it starts a war inside.  Some outcomes of this internal conflict are shown as resentment, duty love verse heartfelt love, damaged self-esteem, pretending, walking on eggshells etc.  Not speaking the truth can reinforce an undesired behavior from a loved one who often doesn’t even know about your internal battle.  No one wins in this type of relating.  Sure, every little thing that happens doesn’t have to be an issue.  But to deny yourself the gift of authentic love to be given and received isn’t real love at all.  For love to BE, it has to be given freely from a free person. 

I have an aunt and uncle that just celebrated their 32nd anniversary.  When asked what they felt was the key to a long-lasting marriage they both responded: RESPECT.  They give each other the freedom to be themselves.  I believe this is vital to any relationship.  What scares us is when a person’s freedom infringes on your values and you have to make a decision to either be honest and freely express your concerns realizing that this might cause conflict in the relationship, or act is if you don’t care all the while living with resentment.

Authentic love is when both people are free to be themselves and be accepted by their partner.  This love begins first by loving and accepting one’s self.  You have to know that you are worth fighting for and no one can fight your cause better than you.  When I say you are worth fighting for what I mean is that you are worth supporting, loving, having effective communication, being valued, being cared for, respected and the like.  When you treat yourself with value others will do the same or they will have to move on. Uh oh! Yes, it’s a risk.  But the ultimate goal is authentic love right?

On the flip side, understand that free love does GIVE.  So when loving it’s ok to compromise, work together and make sacrifices for your beloved.  Again, free people give freely.  It’s safer and lasting to be loved for who you really are than to be loved for who you pretend to be.  Be you and be loved. 

Breakfast!!

Decisions decisions!! I'm at Highland Bakery in Atlanta, GA right now about to have something super yummy for breakfast. The problem is there are soooo many options. Let's see what I end up with.......

Cilantro Corn Pancakes it is!!! 

An EXCELLENT CHOICE!!

Baby Daddies

ME: Today we're gonna talk about choices.  Good ones, bad ones, ya know.  Everyday choices.

Mentee: Ok.

ME: Do you think the women living in this shelter made good choices or bad choices?

Mentee: Good.

ME: Do you think the choices made by the women living in this shelter put them here?

Mentee: No.

ME: How did they get here?

Mentee: God.

ME: God?

Mentee: Yes.  Sometimes God will put you in a bad place to help you.  And sometimes other people cause you to be here.

ME: So the women themselves had nothing to do with it?

Mentee: No.

ME: Ok.  Well let's talk about your life, your plans.  What do you want for yourself?

Mentee: Five babies by five different baby daddies.

ME: Let me say this, you can have what you want.  I'm not here to make you be or do anything you don’t want for yourself.  What I am here to do is to teach you about the power of choice.  So if "five babies by five different baby daddies" is what you want, we can make that happen.  Ready?

Mentee: ......

ME: With every choice you make, there's an outcome......

That was the beginning of a conversation I had with a 15 year old girl who was living with her mother and five younger brothers and sisters at a women's shelter.  I'm sharing it here to point out that My Choice is not designed to create robots.  It is not my desire to tell anyone what to do with their life.  Of course I have opinions, but they are just that, MY OPINIONS.  What I have based My Choice on is the power of choice we each possess and bringing awareness of this power to the forefront of everyone I work with.  

Of course, in the case of my mentee, there's no way would I want her to have five babies by five different baby daddies.  But I knew she was testing me.  I knew there were others before me that she gave hell, broke down and sent running.  To her they proved that the adults in her life were full of it.  She had been through a lot with little stability.  There were several women in that shelter with multiple babies with multiple daddies and those were her examples.  I’m not judging those women or her.  We all have our own path.  But what I did want for her was to learn that her life was in her hands.  She had two more years of high school and would be able to leave home and carve out a place in the world for herself.  With everything in me I wanted her to see she did have a say in her life, her happiness, her future.  I wanted her to know she had options that required new thoughts, new information, hard work, different perspectives and an open mind.  I wanted her to know she had power; power to choose something, anything.  And whether she acknowledged it or not, she was making a choice everyday and at some point those choices would add up and reveal HER LIFE.  I wanted her to see the power evident in every person’s life and wielded skillfully would create something intentional and beautiful to its subjects, understanding that beauty is relative to each individual. 

Although there have been many people in my life tell me what I should do, how I should think and believe, life has been my best teacher.  It has forced me to see.  With awareness I’ve seen what I knew and what I didn’t.  I’ve seen where I needed more education or information.  I’ve seen my strengths and weakness, habits and tendencies.  I’ve seen ME create my life.  And when I was first able to say I DID THIS, it humbled me.  And I harness that humility using it to continue to evolve.  I do believe in a higher power, the value of family and friends, mentorship and lifelong learning and I lean heavily on them all, I’m no island. 

“…divine power has given us everything we need for life…” (2 Peter 1:3 NIV Bible)

“…all men are created equal; that they are endowed by their Creator with inherent and inalienable rights; that among these, are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness;” (U.S. Declaration of Independence)

These passages are just a couple writings that remind me of my power to choose.  The gift of choice we each have creates an outcome and ripples to the lives of those around us.  Am I the blueprint for others? No, I can only live my life.  But choice power is working in all of our lives.  Your life is the sum of your choices.

My Key!?!?!

Ok, so I went for a run after work yesterday.  Perfect weather, a goal in mind, music & headphones, and decided to just take my single spare key so I would not encumbered in any way....FOCUSED!  I feel good, nice pace, zoned out....then I think...where's my key??  I stopped and patted myself down. YIKES!! No key!  What???  So I back trace my route.  After the 4th time retracing my steps and calling my leasing office (who informed me that they don't provide any sort of lock out service) I think, "Great!!"    I called a friend who helped me look for my key...no key....called an overpriced locksmith...no thanks.  Decided to wait it out.  Hung out with a friend until my apartment's leasing office opened and voila!  I survived!

Choice Power Play by Play: 

Choice #1 - I made the choice to run with a single spare key.  

Consequence #1 - I lost my key and was locked out of my place.

Choice #2 - I opted to wait it out and save the $60 I would have spent on a locksmith. 

Consequence # 2 - Had no money, no I.D. and had to stay with a friend.

Now, here's the defining truth.  I CHOSE above all to be "OK".  Sure I made a silly mistake and was inconvenienced (and asked a friend to let me crash) but it was a perfect day all the same.  The old me (before I understood that I control my feelings and responses...not situations) would have been a loose cannon of frustration, belittling myself for being so irresponsible.

I tweeted yesterday "You are never without the power to choose."  Regardless of the situation, I had power and I FIRST used it to choose to be OK.  All the other choices I made were to think, research and come to a conclusion.  Imagine if I had wasted my evening being upset.  That's no fun. 

Life is great, I'm perfectly fine and Choice is Power!! (But next time I'll grab my key ring)