His Love

His scent
It haunts me
My dreams
I rush to sleep

His smile
His lips
Made for me
I open to kiss


His arms
Strong...sure
Finally here
I let go

His words
The story he tells
Of me of him of us
I lean in to listen

His love is
My love

             -sunnie

Who Started It? Who Ends It?

Pic from seriouslywhyallthedrama.blogspot.com

Honey and I enjoyed a beautiful walk at the park the other day with one of my girlfriends.  We did our typical catch up chitchat and like usual we ended up discussing change and growth in our lives.  I was throwing around thoughts about being treated well by the people in my life and treating those beautiful people just as well (to the best of my ability); a stark contrast from some of the bad relationships of my past.  She chimed in on her experiences too.  We went back and forth about the consistent treatment we receive from various people, the good and the bad. Then we pondered, "Why do people treat us the same way repeatedly? Do we cosign and reinforce the behavior even when we don’t want it?”  A Pastor I know use to say something like "You get two chances with me: 1) to make a mistake or bad decision regarding how you treat me and 2) do it again and that's the last chance you get.”

So what happens when we find ourselves in a sick cycle of drama complete with futile arguments, disrespectful communication, ugly cry tears, headaches and depression?  Who started it? Better yet how do we stop it?

Well, my friend I concluded that it’s up to us to take a long hard look at our actions. Decide what we really want for our lives and make choices to create the desired good.  We have to set boundaries and limits on how we treat others and the treatment we allow from others toward us.  If it’s good and wanted then we reciprocate, show gratitude, and love.  But if we don’t want it then say so, cut it off early on (or right now even if it’s been going on for years), white knuckle it and stick to your guns.  Not sure who coined the phrase “you teach people how to treat you” but I agree 100%.  But before we can teach anyone else, we have to teach ourselves to be good to SELF.  Once you get use to peace, love, support, respect, laughter, kindness, and goal oriented compromise, the foolish masochistic routines look less and less desirable.  Regardless of the nagging memoires of “sometimes we had fun” or the blindly faithful “maybe things can be different if I <insert whatever actions you’ll have to continue to keep mean people happy and satisfied>”. Remember my post about choosing what to feel?  This is where you have to focus on what you want more than the feelings that often make us weak and fall back into the drama.

Wait…I’m not saying people can’t change.  I am a believer in change.  But I do believe people have to want it for themselves.  And I believe that people can only change themselves.  No magic tricks. No spells and potions.  Just good old fashioned resolve to have a GOOD life!

A Beautiful Mess

One of my favorite persons on the planet gave me the most unreal compliment the other day.  She sent a text asking “Have you ever sat and thought about how near perfect you are?”  Of course I laughed hysterically and responded with “You’re crazy!” We went back and forth a bit as I went on and on about the world and its ideal version of beauty and I just try to make the most out of the cards I’ve been dealt.  She lovingly ignored my response and listed several attributes that she sees in me from intellect to wit, from physical appearance to caring and sensitivity, from adventurous nature and sense of style, hair and skin...  She laid it on pretty thick and I almost wondered who she was talking about.  It was a long list and I’m too embarrassed to share it all verbatim.  But I blushed from ear to ear.  Laughing again I told her I found it funny sense I feel crazy most of the time.  She said “We all are….but you are a BEAUTIFUL MESS.”  I was at the DMV while having this text convo so I couldn’t cry like I wanted to, being the total mushy waterhead I am.  But I loved the thought of that…A BEAUTIFUL MESS.  Even with all that I see happening in the world, in the lives of my friends and family, coworkers and strangers, the good and bad, the misfortunes and the blessings, I see immense beauty that often leaves me in awe.  Human beings never cease to amaze me.  One minute we’re at war in foreign lands and in our homes but the next minute we’re holding each other and celebrating the smallest things.  A beautiful mess….yes, we are.

But to my Tina, who I hope and pray sees in yourself even half of what I see in you,

You my dear are unbelievably MAGNIFICENT.  From your long legs that go on for days to your humongous eyes that spark life in me whenever I see you.  Your smile beams. Your laughter is infectious and addictive.  Your sensitivity and care makes me feel safe and loved and supported.  I love that I can be myself around you without any apprehension or fear of judgment.  You reminded me of my worth when I forgot.  The grace in which you walk in enables you to take people in not just to your home but to your heart is nothing short of heavenly.  Your “fortitude” present today and apparent to me all of our lives wows me and reminds me that I can make stuff happen for myself.  You taught me that working hard for what I want is not only possible but a MUST.  Your hugs are what I look forward to whenever I see you.  My cousin, more like a sister….you are my heart.  I love you.  And hey, have you ever sat and thought about how near perfect you are?  Because I have.

This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine...

Honey and I went to the park earlier this week for our typical after work exercise routine.  While settling into a nice pace I notice a mutt doggie, as red as Honey, and his mom-owner having a disagreement.  She wanted to keep walking but the doggie stopped and sat in the grass.  She was actually lifting him up by his torso trying to get him to keep moving.  I thought it was hilarious and figured the dog was just tired and hot.   But as Honey and I got closer the handsome fellow locked his eyes on my Honey and instantly popped up.  He started to sniff and Honey did her usual brief sniff and kiss that she gives to dogs she likes.  However, she didn’t linger and soon looked at me like "Ok, Mommy, let's go."  But the new dog was following us and moving excitedly so Honey turned to give the smitten pup a few more kisses.  The owner explained that he was a rescue and other dogs freaked him out so bad that he would tuck his tail and just sit down.  This was his expression of fear; complete collapse.  After seeing her dog’s response to Honey she was surprised.  “He must like her”, she said.  I thought it was the sweetest thing.  Honey’s magic seems to work on people and dogs and my heart melted watching the puppy (twice her size) spring up and play. My Honey’s cheerful and easygoing disposition offered safety and calm to a strange dog that was use to trauma and fear. Awwww…everybody falls in love with my sweet baby girl. <Insert proud doggie-mom smile here> 

Inspired I pondered the moments we humans have, however brief and random, to cross paths with someone that gives us hope, offers a needed perspective and shares love without expectation simply by being who they are.  I’ve experienced countless moments like these while shopping, dining out, via books and lectures and from my most appreciated family and friends that love and support me.  Just when things look so dark and stagnant Love shows up and sparks a fire in me to get up and LIVE; not just survive but to really LIVE.  I’m thankful.  I sincerely hope and pray that I offer the same to others.

The moral to the story: Give love and light just by being present and aware of your fellow sojourners.  It doesn't take much.  Acknowledge each other with a smile, a compliment, and a “thanks”; be empathetic, supportive and kind.  There’s a connectedness we share as living beings and we need each other.  Don’t hold back the LOVE!  

Race For The Cure

Today, May 7, 2011, I participated in the 2011 Komen Atlanta Race for the Cure.  It was my first time in any cancer related event since my sister passed.  I think, no I'm pretty sure I had been avoiding it.  As I drove up to park I felt nervous and little nauseous.  I got my number, and wrote my sister's name on the pink flyer to pin it on my back.  As I ran I thought of her and others that have fought and lost or fought and won the fight with breast cancer.  

It was an emotional run (and walk).  I read the names of others pinned to my fellow racers backs, and watched a few women who had lost their hair to chemo but were there with smiles on their faces.  Part of me felt angry because my sister didn't make it.  She lost her fight.  But then I'd feel happy for those still here.  I was torn.  But during the last few minutes tears filled my eyes and I was reminded that I don't have to hold up the world with my good deeds and prayers nor can I destroy it with mistakes.  Life happens to us all and we have to deal with what comes our way.  I chose to enjoy the moment, celebrating with others and remembering my sissie and the time I had with her.  It was a great morning....faced a fear....and overcame.  

Mini Vacay!

A few of my girlfriends and I went away for a long weekend to Destin, FL.  The weather was PERFECT! It wasn't that smoldering summer heat, nor the freezing beach breeze (until evening of course).  We laughed, danced, ate, sipped and slept! It was a great trip and an amazing way to say good-bye (for now) as one of our friends moves away this coming week. 

I left that weekend thankful for great friends, new and old, that have enriched my life in so many ways.  I'm grateful for the different perspectives, experiences, gifts and love that they each bring to my life.  I asked Love to help me maintain and expand an open mind and an accepting heart toward others because it continually fills me with compassion and empathy, and to be as much of a gift to my friends as they are to me.  Choosing to say YES to life, love, adventure and my personal truths rewards me immeasurably.  

There were many "lessons" revealed over the weekend but one message that stuck with me after chatting about our life experiences thus far is "I realize that I don't know anything...and I'm ok with that".

Cheers to LIFE and LIVING IT!!

You Can’t Help Who You Love…

Is that true? Does love really hit you over the head and voila, you’re in love with an absolute stranger, swept away with a 50/50 chance of it working out. But you have no say in how, when and with who it happened. Really? I’ve never subscribed to that line of thought. I don’t believe I can fall in love with anyone unless I spend time with them and open my heart to that possibility. Love being a major, well THE major need of human beings (next to food, shelter and security), do we leave it to chance?

In Dr. Gordon Livingston’s How To Love, he explains the importance of knowing who you are and what you have to offer as well as getting to know others and what they have to offer way before “falling in love”. Sure it doesn’t sound as romantic as the movie The Notebook but as a divorced person (who still believes in love and all of its wonders) I can tell you it’s worth going the extra mile.  Check out the opening of the book: 

Honestly, I don’t buy a pair of shoes without trying them on, walking around a bit, considering the price, the season and the potential opportunities of wear I would get out of them. Surely love deserves a more in depth method of rationale and interview process.  We have more choice in love than we admit to.  Let's use it!

Love Wins Again

I wrongfully judged the happiness of a dear friend.  I never said anything to her about it but I questioned if she was happy, if the life she chose was really enough.

Who am I to even question another's choice?  Happy or not, it doesn't belong to me.  Completely out of bounds.  This I realize.  I digress.

But because love is my most faithful teacher, I was given the opportunity to spend some time with my friend and her husband and could do nothing but bask in the love oozing from them.  It was fun, natural, accepting, warm, inviting and pure.  I love when love proves me wrong and any cynicism I have is thrown out the window.  Again, I digress as love again, makes progress...over and over and over again.

The Magical You by Mastin Kipp

The paradox

of Bliss

is This…

Give up what feels good

for what IS great

The sacrifice is well worth it

Surrender yourself

to the pulse of Love

and let Love guide you

towards purification

Where the imagined YOU

and the real YOU

become one

Love is expressing itself

Through you, every day in every way

If you could see the magic

That is unseen

You would never doubt Love again

But your journey is to find the blocks

and remove them

It is because you do not believe

That you do not see Love guiding you

Surrender to the pulse of Love

Give up what you think is good

for something magical

Let go of what you are

and become, at once

The magical you

©2010 Mastin Kipp via http://www.thedailylove.com/

....no explanation needed... MC

Relationship Talk

I was chatting with a friend about love and relationships.  We talked about exercising choice power while dealing with the emotional sides of a relationship.  In particular loving from choice vs loving from...mmm...desperation and emotions alone.  Here are a few points we settled on during our conversation:

1. Choices must be made whether your feelings agree with your head or not.  Sometimes it seems easier to give way to emotions and clam up to avoid issues or to snap at someone during frustrating moments.  However, when emotions are leading we often find ourselves saying things we don't mean, agreeing to things that really go against our character, compromising our "self" and character.  But there are things that must be done regardless of how we feel, choices that have to be made, conversations that have to take place etc.  Avoidance often leads to resentment.  It's like a simmering pot waiting to boil over or dry up.  Either way, the issue will show up again.  Might as well deal with it in truth and courage.  Besides, you want your partner to be in love with the real you, not the you you pretend to be. 

2. You gotta have it to give it. Self-awareness is key.  The more in tune you are with your strengths and weaknesses, your hang ups and fears, your gifts and skills, the more you can address issues in a realistic way.  Getting ego out of the way and allowing yourself to be vulnerable allows for more love and connection to happen in a relationship.  If there's something you simply don't have a clue about, say so.  To pretend or to told hold someone to an unrealistic standard when you yourself can't do it nor can your partner, is a waste of energy and of time that could be used to nurture your relationship.  Know what you have to give, be honest about where you lack skills and understanding and then get help to grow.   

3. Response determines the outcome, not the initial conflict.  Every relationship has conflict, even healthy relationships (if there's never any conflict then it's possible that someone is hiding and compromising self).  Coworkers, family, romantic and friendship relationships  all have areas of disagreement and that's not a big deal.  The issue is how we respond to the conflict.  We can get further with listening to understand (even if we don't agree) as well as speaking to clarify (even if it takes saying it a different way).  And after all that sometimes you have to walk away knowing that you have a difference of opinion but maintaining a mutual respect for individuality.  Besides, who wants to live in a world where everyone is a carbon copy of you? Boring.

Am I Worthy of Decisions That Protect Me? Part 2

I mentioned yesterday that I would poll men to see how they felt about their worth and making choices that support their individual needs. Here's the question I posed and a few responses:

Question: When you make a decision for YOU like having fun, spending money and self-care, do you question if you're worth it or feel guilty?

Responses:

"Never! I may (question) if it’s wise financially, morally, etc." - C., 37

"Nope, I'm always worth it.  'Is it the right time?' is the question." - S., 36

"I don't question if I'm worth it...I question if I have the time for that right now, or what's on my schedule.  I'm always worth it." - K., 37

"I use to.  Now that I'm free (from what people think), I do what I (want to) without questioning or feeling guilty." - J., 37

Interesting huh? 

I appreciated how strong the responses were regarding their worth.  These men seem to value themselves while at the same time consider their responsibilities and priorities.   Sounds like a nice balance.  What do you think?

Am I Worthy of Decisions That Protect Me?

I was listening to a woman talk about a series of events that led to her making some defining choices about her life.  She's learning to trust herself and has been doing a great job at it.  But she made a decision recently that someone in her quality world might not like. (Choice Therapy defines "quality world" as a place of importance in your life or heart.) She was now questioning her decision and said, "I felt bad about making a decision to protect myself."  Immediately after she said that she chuckled.  I didn't ask why she chuckled after making such a powerful statement but I imagined she realized what she had said.  I asked her to repeat it.  We both wowed about it.

Because I've heard this mode of thinking before from many women (myself included) I wondered why women have the tendency to question our worth.  I'm going to ask men about it over the next couple of days to compare thoughts.  But women seem to have such a hard time with taking care of self and others at the same time.  Does one have to suffer for the other to survive?  Do you give away your lives to husbands, children, work, friends to wake up one day and wonder what happened to "ME"?  Forgetting to laugh, travel, plan, spend time with friends, furthering education, save money, working out, rest just because you want to? That ought not be.  I heard a woman admit to giving away her life to raising her children.  And now that the children are grown and building their own lives she's looking around like what now? I don’t have children so I won't pretend to understand a mother's position.  But I will share what I've heard one self-caring mother say,

"I'm raising my children to be productive adults in our world. I love them, nurture them, play with them, laugh etc., but I will not stop living just because I have children.  My husband and I will date and travel and enjoy our life along the way so that when our children grow up and leave we will still know each other.  I will stay connected to my friends and what's important to me as an individual." 

I'll let that statement speak for itself.

But what I can comment on from experience is being married and giving away parts of myself that should have been reserved for me, only to find myself in a state of hardened resentment.  After getting a divorce I noticed I was unfamiliar with "me" and faced with unsettling difficulties in my decision-making skills when it came to taking care of myself.  While I 100% support giving, compromise and healthy interdependence in a relationship I think it's equally important to give to oneself and stay abreast of what's going on in your life.  Besides, how can you love, take care of and support others without first loving, taking care of and supporting yourself?

I think we do ourselves and our families a disservice when we ignore our personal needs in an effort to take care of them.  I believe we can and must do both in order to love well and be a solid partner in our relationships be it marriage, as parents, co-workers etc.  So take self-inventory and clear away any cobwebs that have been created in areas gone un-nurtured in you by you.  Be it healthy diet and exercise plans, rekindled friendships, volunteer work that you value, maintaining financial acumen, expanding your education, exploring new hobbies, maintaining emotional and mental health, traveling the world or a regularly scheduled day at the spa, make a decision to take care of the whole you so that you have something to willingly give to those you love.

Suffocate

My heart is closed, protected by rules

Grasping for love, scared

I suffocate myself

I want to jump, fall and fly

But no breath, scared

I suffocate myself

Light peeks, I see it, Love, I long for it

I jump, I fall, I fly

Suffocate I

No more

I wrote this while feeling both the longings of love and the need to protect myself from it.  It truly felt like suffocation; to impede, stifle, smother, prevent flow.  If love is a living, moving breathing force then fear is its nemesis.  They both exist.  Fear won't kill you but it will surely make you feel like you're dying and that "suffocation" can open the door for  deaths of relationships, health, finances, change etc. 

Today I pray, hope, send energy and words in hopes that we all choose love.  A force that never stops.  Suffocate "we", No more. 

Authentic YOU...Authentic Love...

Sometimes we love people by hiding pieces of ourselves in hopes that they will love or continue to love us as we become their perfect creation (an impossibility because perfect people don’t exist).  The focus becomes “keeping the peace” or “not setting him/her off” etc.  We don’t want to be rejected or cause a fight or make someone angry.  In actuality someone being angry is their responsibility not yours. More about that later.  When we fail to stand up for ourselves and let things ride that we are completely against, it starts a war inside.  Some outcomes of this internal conflict are shown as resentment, duty love verse heartfelt love, damaged self-esteem, pretending, walking on eggshells etc.  Not speaking the truth can reinforce an undesired behavior from a loved one who often doesn’t even know about your internal battle.  No one wins in this type of relating.  Sure, every little thing that happens doesn’t have to be an issue.  But to deny yourself the gift of authentic love to be given and received isn’t real love at all.  For love to BE, it has to be given freely from a free person. 

I have an aunt and uncle that just celebrated their 32nd anniversary.  When asked what they felt was the key to a long-lasting marriage they both responded: RESPECT.  They give each other the freedom to be themselves.  I believe this is vital to any relationship.  What scares us is when a person’s freedom infringes on your values and you have to make a decision to either be honest and freely express your concerns realizing that this might cause conflict in the relationship, or act is if you don’t care all the while living with resentment.

Authentic love is when both people are free to be themselves and be accepted by their partner.  This love begins first by loving and accepting one’s self.  You have to know that you are worth fighting for and no one can fight your cause better than you.  When I say you are worth fighting for what I mean is that you are worth supporting, loving, having effective communication, being valued, being cared for, respected and the like.  When you treat yourself with value others will do the same or they will have to move on. Uh oh! Yes, it’s a risk.  But the ultimate goal is authentic love right?

On the flip side, understand that free love does GIVE.  So when loving it’s ok to compromise, work together and make sacrifices for your beloved.  Again, free people give freely.  It’s safer and lasting to be loved for who you really are than to be loved for who you pretend to be.  Be you and be loved.