Adios 2010!!

We’re in the final stretch toward the end of 2010 and the beginning of 2011. I’m preparing for the year ahead but first reflecting on the past year. My memories are bringing a smile to my face, as I’m very happy about it. It was a good, no, GREAT year! Does that mean everything went according to my plan? No, not at all. But I didn’t “struggle” like I use to. Instead I chose to flow with life enjoying some plans as they flourished and rolling with the bumps that I had to endure. Life doesn’t promise perfection but we can choose to have a positive outlook, a perspective that sees opportunity and the bounce back of a champion!

I am examining my heart and thoughts and experiences of 2010 trying to nail down the biggest lesson I learned this year was and I’d have to say it was fierce resiliency.

Resilience:

1. The power or ability to return to the original form, position, etc., after being bent, compressed, or stretched; elasticity.

2. Ability to recover readily from illness, depression, adversity, or the like; buoyancy.

Isn’t that a powerful word? Not only did resiliency breed a fierce fighter within me, it also gave me a deeper sense of humility and empathy toward others who have or are trying to bounce back. It leaves little room for judgment but a heart full of compassion for my fellow fighters. It’s not always easy to stand up under the weight of difficulties so I applaud all who decide to continue to fight for good in their lives. And since we’re all humans with strengths and weaknesses, triumphs and setbacks, successes and failures, we might as well push through it all and come out better, wiser, kinder, resilient human beings.

Here’s to an amazing 2010 with all of its well-earned life lessons and looking toward 2011 with hope, possibilities, courage, learning, growth and love.

Peace, Love & Light!

“Man never made any material as resilient as the human spirit.” – Bern Williams

“Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.” - Confucius

Last-Minute Adventure!!

I talk a lot about venturing out into the unknown. Life is short. To spend your life passionless, disconnected and rehearsing old issues is a sad existence. Especially when we have the power to choose something different. Christmas for me has been difficult because it’s when my sister passed away. I dread seeing it coming and became a bit of a hermit Scrooge. But I decided I needed to make new memories of this time of year. And this year was spectacular. I took a last-minute trip to San Francisco with a friend and spent the holiday in the most unconventional way, at least compared to my traditions. No Christmas trees, no nativity scenes, no gifts to wrap and unwrap (not that anything is wrong with that). Instead I saw a side of the country that I’ve wanted to move to for some time.

Enjoyed delightful conversation, laughed like a kid, nibbled on great food and tasted delicious wines. This year I celebrated by being present and in the moment of something new. I learned a lot about myself and welcomed the enlightenment. It was a power-full choice. I continue to express gratitude for the opportunity to really LIVE.

Integrity and Self-Integration

Merriam-Webster's Dictionary gives one definition of integrity as the quality or state of being complete or undivided. When a person is living “complete or undivided” there’s a solidarity that exists between character and self, living harmoniously. I would say that person is fully self-integrated; woven together in such a way that they can be seamlessly counted on by themselves and others, honoring their personal values and living as one solid heart. On the other hand a person that lacks integrity or self-integration battles conflicting desires to the point where the lesser or the greater desires start to blur. They think, “...with no deliberation or discrimination between more or less worthwhile desires, then one clearly acts without integrity.”  (Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy)

I promised myself I would purposely pursue self-integration especially after
leaving religious dogma behind that used fear to try to create character and morality. Self-integration “implies moral soundness, purity and virtue of character as exemplified in sincerity, consistency, accountability and honesty.” (Robert Priddy)  It doesn’t happen through fear tactics or robotic adherence to rules imposed from the outside.   Character is a matter of personal choice.  Self-integration happens through the acceptance of self and natural human needs. To me its spiritual in nature as it bridges the gaps between my needs, deepest values and character.

The Problem: I recently made a choice that went against my values, causing pain
to a dear friend and marring my own character. Trust was broken because I chose to be withhold information. Sometimes people are don't say it all out of sheer malice but sometimes people are don't say it all in hopes to preserve love. I was hoping to preserve a relationship and it backfired because not being forthcoming gives an illusion that all is well until the truth reveals itself. Usually I live my life so that I don’t have to admit to anything that I would be ashamed of or I just choose to own what I do and not care what others think. But my recent choice expressed neither of these and caused such cognitive dissonance that it’s crippling.

“Dissonance is often strong when we believe something about ourselves and then do something against that belief. If I believe I am good but do something bad, then the discomfort I feel as a result is cognitive dissonance.” (Changing Minds)

So I sit here, typing my thoughts and pondering theories on integrity, facing my own shortcomings and sharing it with you. In all honesty I was nervous about beginning a blog on personal choice power because I knew I would not be able to fully live up to the standard. And now I realize I don’t have to. My Choice is about the journey of growth to making quality choices, learning from mistakes and recovering.

Today’s journey has taught me to be courageous enough to be honest regardless of the circumstance. It’s better to be known and loved for who I am than for who I am not. Don’t you think?

How Do You Teach Someone To Think Or See Things Differently?

I was asked this question in response to the Lose Your Mind post. Actually, here’s the question in its entirety:

“If ones mind is closed, how do you teach someone to think or see things different? Some people are so closed-minded that the way “they” think and believe is true and correct.”

I thought it was a great question and it got me to thinking, can you teach someone else to think or see differently? Lose Your Mind was about my decision to be open to alternative solutions for my own difficult situations. But it was MY decision. I think change requires a personal choice of the individual to be open and have a willingness to learn and change. Can another person cause it?   We can introduce new ideas, provoke thought and encourage others, which is what I hope my blog does for readers. But I don’t think a person’s mind is changed unless they are willing participants in the change.

Trying to change another person is out-of-bounds (a term I use to describe actions of crossing over to another person’s power to choose). It can leave you frustrated, angry and miserable. Since life continuously provides us with opportunities to grow, perhaps growth in this area would be becoming more open-minded yourself and accept that others are different. Or, focus on the decisions you yourself have the power to make.

“If everyone could learn that what is right for me does not make it right for anyone else, the world would be a much happier place.” - Dr. William Glasser

Relatively speaking, is one better than the other? Even the most open-minded person probably has a few beliefs that they hold on to tooth and nail.   So it becomes a bit egotistical, I think, to presume the open-minded people have the exact key to right thinking.

But perhaps, through love, understanding, acceptance and communication you can create an atmosphere that softens hearts, yours and others, to promote acceptance and openness.  Even if the change happens within you.

“Very often…the person who changes us does not even realize the positive and profound impact they have had. Why? Because they have not done anything directly and/ or intentionally for us. Rather, they have simply been living their own life in such a manner that we can’t help be changed for the better.” – The Change Blog

Practicing acceptance may be a way to live with those that seem more rigid in their beliefs. We have to share this planet with billions who don’t agree with us 100%.   But at the end of the day, the only person you can change is you, and even that’s no small undertaking.

Lose Your Mind

Some of the most painful and sad moments I’ve experienced to date were due to feeling my options were limited and I was stuck. I was unable to think of creative ways to solve issues, deals with conflict, cope with change etc. Due in part to being taught that there was only one “right” way to think and reason or I’d have hell to pay. Literally. So the best thing to do is suffer and wait…………………….

While waiting I cried, I prayed, I became even more dependent on a help that would come, um, while I wait…………………

Finally, I decided, this is stupid. I have a mind, I’m intelligent, I’m resourceful and answers are somewhere. Even if my all my problems could not be solved right away, I knew there had to be a happier way to live. Besides, nothing that I was experiencing was unique to me, just normal human life experiences. So why was I depressing? Because my mind was closed. I thought if I chose another route my life would fall apart (although my life was already falling apart…oh, the irony of it all).

I’ve talked before about creativity so I’ll quote myself here:

“Choices are made from your options and your options are as limited or as vast as your creativity. When you think ‘There’s nothing I can do. This is all I have.” Often what you may be revealing is “This is all I know.’” – From Blog Post 8-Pack Of Crayons

So I simply opened my mind. Got creative. Educated myself. Gained some different perspective. Asked new questions. Challenged the norm. Realized I had options. Took responsibility for my own peace and happiness. And guess what? I became HAPPY. No magic. Just grew up a bit. Try it! (Not saying you haven’t ☺) Life is life. None of us are immune to it. But we can all choose to be proactive, resilient and THRIVE.

You Don't Get That

I watched MTV's Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew over the weekend. During a session, one of his patients was going on and on about the love, affection, time and attention he didn't get from his now deceased father as a child. He was crying, complaining, blaming, venting when Dr. Drew interrupted and simply said "You don't get that." I was stunned. He (the patient), like me, stopped and stared. It sort of jolted him into reality. "You don't get that." All the time and energy he had been spending being angry and resentful about a past that could never be changed seemed futile. He was sure his drug and food abuse was his father’s fault but in an instant it looked as if he was hit with PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY as his face dried up and his color returned. Dr. Drew didn’t add some lengthy explanation. Just the statement. And the session ended shortly thereafter.

I thought WOW, what a powerful truth! "You don't get that." His father was gone. And there was no way for the patient to hear the apology he wanted to validate the hurt, disappointment and pain he was experiencing. I hate to sound morbid but it was as if he was wasting his life away on a dead person. The thought made me think of my own life. Who or what am I wasting my life on?

Since we can only control ourselves and we have no say in what another person admits to or not we might as well let it go and move on. Sure, it would be great to get that sort of validation but the future is still coming and waiting on us to live it regardless. We can live it looking backward or looking forward. Accepting that there are some things we just might not get is not the end of the world, just a reality. And living in reality, the here & now, is a whole lot more productive and satisfying. Thanks Dr. Drew!!

Love Wins Again

I wrongfully judged the happiness of a dear friend.  I never said anything to her about it but I questioned if she was happy, if the life she chose was really enough.

Who am I to even question another's choice?  Happy or not, it doesn't belong to me.  Completely out of bounds.  This I realize.  I digress.

But because love is my most faithful teacher, I was given the opportunity to spend some time with my friend and her husband and could do nothing but bask in the love oozing from them.  It was fun, natural, accepting, warm, inviting and pure.  I love when love proves me wrong and any cynicism I have is thrown out the window.  Again, I digress as love again, makes progress...over and over and over again.

Not A Thing, But A Think!

I was having a conversation with a friend about an event that involved us both.  I listened and I talked.  I discovered that we saw the same situation completely different.  We placed emphasis on different points and clearly did not agree. 

"No two people see the external world in exactly the same way. To every separate person a thing is what he thinks it is -- in other words, not a thing, but a think."  -PENELOPE FITZGERALD

Our perceptions of the same event gave us different views.  The event was what we "think".  Ever heard the saying "There are three opinions; mine, yours and the truth"?  It made me question truth.  Is there a TRUTH?  If we're all just perceiving as we think, then where is truth?  Seems to me that people argue more about their perceptions than truth.  However, my friend and I walked away with an acceptance of our differences and owning our own truth.  We're still friends. 

In relationships (of all kinds) parties may not agree because they simply think differently.  We're then given the opportunity to communicate, negotiate and compromise.  Be creative.  The world doesn't have to end because people think differently.

Who Said That?

Do you ever hear those annoying thoughts nagging at you typiucally right when you get a great idea, momentum to make life changes or a momemt complete peace and happiness??  You know the lines:

"That's a stupid idea."  "You won't make it."  "Something bad always happens so why try." "You have to keep up with them." "You don't fit in".  "Good things only happen to other people." "There's nothing more to life than what you see." "You are a loser and will always be a loser." "You always ruin everything."

Shall I go on or do you get my point?

Where do those thoughts come from?  I mean, who said that??  Your elementary school teacher, an old boyfriend, a parent,  a friend.  Who has you rehearsing those yucky thoughts?

 I've gotten to the point where I critique my thoughts.  Is this valid?  Or fear based?  Perhaps I need more information or experience or a new perception but self-defeating thoughts are ugly.  And we don't have to listen to them or take them seriously.  Thoughts are fleeting.  they come and go.  Good ones. Bad ones. Creative ones. Dreadful ones.  Some more than others.

I'm reminded of the saying "You can't stop a bird from flying overhead but you dont have to let it build a nest in your hair".  Or something like that.  You get my point right?

Making It Happen: Kantis Simmons

Check out my genius friend and mentor, author/motivational speaker Kantis Simmons featured in Inc. Magazine's December 2010/January 2011 issue with his mentor Josh Shipp.  I have an excerpt here but the article is a MUST read for you trailblazers out there.  Talk about phenomenal motivational speakers who happen to be great business men as well!!  Pick up a copy today!!

Choose To Feel Good!

I wonder if people feel sad then think sad or do they think sad and then feel bad? Do our thoughts  influence our emotions or do our emotions have a mind of their own?

I happen to believe that our thoughts are a key player in how we feel.  I'm enjoying a life of happiness, joy, adventure, purpose, love and discovery, not that I don't have my moments, but a clear difference from the couple of years that I thought life was too hard and unfair.  I use to want (beg) some outside force to "make it all better" but it didn't happen.  What DID happen was a choice.  I made a choice to be happy.  I thought happy, did things that I enjoyed doing, set attainable goals for my health, career, finances, relationships etc.  These choices added to my happiness.  I chose to spend time with people who also enjoyed their lives. You know, "the cup is half full" type of people.  And life changed.

I discovered some interesting things along the way.  For one,  "misery is comfortable".  It's like a bad habit that you can't seem to shake and every time you try you long to have it back.  When you try to let it go, you experience a void where the feelings of hopelessness once lived.  So how did I shake it?  I replaced misery with LIFE and LOVE and FUN and DISCOVERY and CONNECTION.  I stopped trying to change the things that were out of my control and focused on what I could do, my personal power to choose.  We all have needs that must be met, but we determine "how" they are met.  So the next time you need to "feel", choose to "feel" GOOD!!  I don't think feelings are to control us, but they do flag us to what's going on in us and in our lives.  Pay attention.  And then make a choice.

Make choices that add to your good and the good of others.  Besides, most of the stuff that we choose to feel bad about have to do with other people's choices or our perceptions of their choices.  Want a life tip?  WE CAN'T CONTROL EVERYTHING.  But you can choose how to respond.  Life is grand! LIVE IT!!