Am I Worthy of Decisions That Protect Me? Part 2

I mentioned yesterday that I would poll men to see how they felt about their worth and making choices that support their individual needs. Here's the question I posed and a few responses:

Question: When you make a decision for YOU like having fun, spending money and self-care, do you question if you're worth it or feel guilty?

Responses:

"Never! I may (question) if it’s wise financially, morally, etc." - C., 37

"Nope, I'm always worth it.  'Is it the right time?' is the question." - S., 36

"I don't question if I'm worth it...I question if I have the time for that right now, or what's on my schedule.  I'm always worth it." - K., 37

"I use to.  Now that I'm free (from what people think), I do what I (want to) without questioning or feeling guilty." - J., 37

Interesting huh? 

I appreciated how strong the responses were regarding their worth.  These men seem to value themselves while at the same time consider their responsibilities and priorities.   Sounds like a nice balance.  What do you think?

Am I Worthy of Decisions That Protect Me?

I was listening to a woman talk about a series of events that led to her making some defining choices about her life.  She's learning to trust herself and has been doing a great job at it.  But she made a decision recently that someone in her quality world might not like. (Choice Therapy defines "quality world" as a place of importance in your life or heart.) She was now questioning her decision and said, "I felt bad about making a decision to protect myself."  Immediately after she said that she chuckled.  I didn't ask why she chuckled after making such a powerful statement but I imagined she realized what she had said.  I asked her to repeat it.  We both wowed about it.

Because I've heard this mode of thinking before from many women (myself included) I wondered why women have the tendency to question our worth.  I'm going to ask men about it over the next couple of days to compare thoughts.  But women seem to have such a hard time with taking care of self and others at the same time.  Does one have to suffer for the other to survive?  Do you give away your lives to husbands, children, work, friends to wake up one day and wonder what happened to "ME"?  Forgetting to laugh, travel, plan, spend time with friends, furthering education, save money, working out, rest just because you want to? That ought not be.  I heard a woman admit to giving away her life to raising her children.  And now that the children are grown and building their own lives she's looking around like what now? I don’t have children so I won't pretend to understand a mother's position.  But I will share what I've heard one self-caring mother say,

"I'm raising my children to be productive adults in our world. I love them, nurture them, play with them, laugh etc., but I will not stop living just because I have children.  My husband and I will date and travel and enjoy our life along the way so that when our children grow up and leave we will still know each other.  I will stay connected to my friends and what's important to me as an individual." 

I'll let that statement speak for itself.

But what I can comment on from experience is being married and giving away parts of myself that should have been reserved for me, only to find myself in a state of hardened resentment.  After getting a divorce I noticed I was unfamiliar with "me" and faced with unsettling difficulties in my decision-making skills when it came to taking care of myself.  While I 100% support giving, compromise and healthy interdependence in a relationship I think it's equally important to give to oneself and stay abreast of what's going on in your life.  Besides, how can you love, take care of and support others without first loving, taking care of and supporting yourself?

I think we do ourselves and our families a disservice when we ignore our personal needs in an effort to take care of them.  I believe we can and must do both in order to love well and be a solid partner in our relationships be it marriage, as parents, co-workers etc.  So take self-inventory and clear away any cobwebs that have been created in areas gone un-nurtured in you by you.  Be it healthy diet and exercise plans, rekindled friendships, volunteer work that you value, maintaining financial acumen, expanding your education, exploring new hobbies, maintaining emotional and mental health, traveling the world or a regularly scheduled day at the spa, make a decision to take care of the whole you so that you have something to willingly give to those you love.

A Little At A Time

I have yet another busy week ahead of me.  I just mapped out my list of tasks for the week and seeing it in black and white helped to bring a sense of calm and clarity.  Although I have a lot to get done, I've decided to break it all up over the next seven days taking it little by little.

I read something last night that really helped me stay focused.  There was a woman who wanted to lose weight.  She wanted to be 30lbs lighter and wanted it all to happen NOW.  So her plan (that had been tried before and failed) was to go all out immediately.  You know that crash diet plan: no food, work out three time a day etc.  However, the only way to lose weight in a healthy way and keep it off is to change your life not your week.  One has to chisel away at the unwanted pounds little by little.  But the woman wanted immediate gratification and gave little value to the realistic pound or two a week that a real plan would give her.  Then Dr. Henry Cloud, author of  Nine Things You Simply Must Do said "No successful person ever lost 30lbs without first losing one."  He urged her to begin to value a little at a time.  It made sense. 

The bottom line is things take time, especially any lasting change that we want to make in our lives.  The microwave method doesn't work.  We'll simply find ourselves back to square one and often with wasted time and energy, exhausted and frustrated, having taken shortcuts that led to detours and bringing us no closer to our goal.  So with that tidbit of wisdom in mind I'm taking my week one day at a time, one task at a time, one accomplishment at a time.  What about you?

Show Up

This week was tough for me.  Meaning I had tons of projects at work, mounds of homework and studying to do, prep for volunteering, make sure I hit the gym like I planned and spend time with a few friends.  I never seemed to get in bed at the time I wanted to and woke up tired almost everyday.  However, I showed up.  I noticed that I made a choice at every turn.  Where I could have gotten frustrated and annoyed (which I felt), I'd make another choice and show up fully engaged at each task.  Even when it was something I really didn't enjoy it was up to me to get it done and over with.  Dread has a way of sapping your energy.  Don't let it! 

I know that nothing was happening to me outside of normal life.  Life happens to us all.  Welcome to humanity.  I don't think it's what happens to us or the responsibilities we have that brings us to frustration more than our attitude towards it ( and a lack of planning and time management).  A few things I like to remind myself of is that: 1) This is what life consists of; routines, work and responsibilities, 2) I wont feel like this once I finish my tasks, and 3) Nothing changes unless I make it change.   So now that my thoughts are calm I can prioritize and mark things off my to-do list as they happen.  With a shift in my thinking, I feel accomplished, succesful, happy and view myself as a contributor to the world even from my little corner of the planet.  Now what I do plan to do is review my week so that I can go into next week a bit more prepared, learning from experiences but showing up nonetheless. 

RESTART

Sunday is my favorite day of the week.  Something about it says RESTART and I feel energized.  But I love any new day, a new week, a new school year, newly washed laundry, a clean page in my journal, the delete button, choosing to forgive or being forgiven, hitting the gym, opening a savings account...  Any thing that says let's start anew.  I try not to forget to be responsible for anything I need to tidy up about yesterday, but to take yesterday's old into my RESTART, no way!    I miss it sometimes and recall a mistake made or a bad decision that I regret.  But since I can't change yesterday I might as well be happy and positive about today.  I think life offers us so many opportunities to start again.  And life is way too short to give energy to dead horses.  So go ahead, and hit that RESTART button on your life.  You can decide to forgive someone, forgive yourself, set new financial goals, read a new book, start your new business, drink more water, or just BE HAPPY.  Whatever it is RESTART!!.

Suffocate

My heart is closed, protected by rules

Grasping for love, scared

I suffocate myself

I want to jump, fall and fly

But no breath, scared

I suffocate myself

Light peeks, I see it, Love, I long for it

I jump, I fall, I fly

Suffocate I

No more

I wrote this while feeling both the longings of love and the need to protect myself from it.  It truly felt like suffocation; to impede, stifle, smother, prevent flow.  If love is a living, moving breathing force then fear is its nemesis.  They both exist.  Fear won't kill you but it will surely make you feel like you're dying and that "suffocation" can open the door for  deaths of relationships, health, finances, change etc. 

Today I pray, hope, send energy and words in hopes that we all choose love.  A force that never stops.  Suffocate "we", No more. 

Millionaire....

Just downloaded the audio book for The Millionaire Next Door by Thomas J. Stanley and William D. Danko.  I remember it hitting the scene a while back but never got into it.  I admit I was skeptical because I'm not interested in any get rich quick schemes or metaphysical manifestations of money appearing out of nowhere.  However, when I've judged something without real knowledge about it I can admit when I'm wrong.  And I was wrong! 

This book is really interesting.  It points out the practical sides of building wealth ya know; hard work, budgeting, patience, changing your habits.  And it also exposes the fake "rich" that are flashy hyper consumers who care more about "looking" rich than being wealthy.  The authors go on to say that in their search for millionaires to study they were surprised at the number of wealthy people who lived in normal neighborhoods, drove normal cars, had normal jobs etc.  They give tons of  examples like a couple that made less than $80K a year having a net work more than a person that made upwards of $200K a year.  It's a great look into America's wealthy as well as a good kick in the butt for anyone serious about their financial future.  

Personally it's reminding me to make power choices regarding spending, saving, investing and to question why I want some of the things I want (like a new pair of boots).  I want financial freedom more than new shoes so I had better make power choices that support that goal, ey? 

Do It Afraid

I saw the Lion King over the weekend for the first time and LOVED IT!! The stage play that is.  I think it was better than the cartoon because of the costumes and the music and the passion the actors displayed.  You know the story; adventurous kid, curious and fearless until something happens that robs him of his inherent freedom.  He runs.  Hides.  Settles in to a new life that isn't completely satisfying but fear keeps him there.  He even defends his mediocrity.   Then he sees an old friend that reminds him of who he really is and how he (his presence, his gifts, his perspective) is needed.  He then chooses to be courageous even though he doesn't necessarily FEEL courageous.  He returns home, fights for personal freedom and for the livelihood of his community.  The End! 

Isnt this our story?  To some extent anyway.  Sure, we're not all kings of the jungle, but the child in us still exists and thrives on imagination and freedom and adventure and curiosity and isn't afraid to dream.  Were you robbed?  Did some situation, person, experience or mindset creep in and convince you that you aren't worthy of seeing your deepest values expressed in your life??  FIGHT!  Get up, take a step, have faith, believe, ask for help, educate yourself, try something different. 

I read a book by a christian author who said we should "DO IT AFRAID!"  "IT" being whatever it is that is holding you back from LIFE.  Face it.  It's probably not as big as it seems.  I've found in my life that the fear of something is usually scarier than the actual "something".  So with a pounding heart and shaking in your boots DO IT AFRAID!!! (And go see The Lion King too!!)

A Different View

I spent the weekend in Chicago and tried to do as much of the touristy stuff I could cram into one long weekend.  One in particular was the Sky Deck at the  Willis Tower, formally known as the Sears Tower, the tallest structure in the world.  It was AWESOME or I'm a really big nerd.  Either way I was inspired by both the engineering of the building originally to accommodate Sears employees under one roof and the sheer beauty of the views.

The Sky Deck has a feature called The Ledge where you can step out on clear glass and see up, down, right and left CHICAGO from 103 stories high.  So of course I had to try it.  I'm a bit adventurous so I didn't think anything about it until it was my turn.  I sorta peeked over to make sure I wouldn't plummet to the earth!!  

Ok, now I'm nervous.  My friend stepped out with me but for some reason we were both moving very slowly and quietly as if any sudden moves would cause the glass t0 shatter.  We stood and the first place we looked was DOWN......still being ever so careful.  I'm not even sure if we were breathing, just standing and taking it all in. WOW. BEAUTIFUL. AMAZING.  COOL!!  Then I wanted to snap a quick corner picture to see me isolated in mid-air.  Pretty neat.  Because I'm always thinking about choices and living life to the fullest I immediately starting thinking about the view.  I had been in Chicago for three days already but the view from the Willis Tower gave me an entirely different perspective.  Much like life, we can see the same people, go to the same jobs, live in the same neighborhoods, see the same movies, hear the same songs and SEE the same thing.  But when we choose to look from a different angle, a slightly tilted head, we can find new meaning in life.  Love can be rekindled, a new way to work a current job or carve out a new career, opportunites for education, taking a stroll down a different path, watching a movie focusing on a different character's perspective can all make the same...NEW and EXCITING.  Again, as I've shared before, My Choice isn't some new philosophy, I simply aim to point out a power that already exist in us all to make the most of our lives; to think and see differently and open our hearts and minds to freedom and adventure!! 

Open The Gates

Sometimes one of the most challenging things about choice power is owning your choices when things feel uncomfortable.  When a choice turns out the way you hoped then all is well with the world. But what about when you've had to make a choice based on your deepest values but the outcome isn't what you expected or hoped for.  Do you change your mind, do you go back on your decision, do you say "I was just playing"?

I want to point out a couple of thoughts to help us deal with this dilemma.  "For choice to flourish there must be follow through".  When changing your life and learning to make choices that support your change you will face some push back.  Push back from others but also push back from yourself.  You may start to question yourself, your judgment, and fear creeps in.  I look at it like working out or saving money.  You're building.  And the only way to build is to be patient, add it all up over time until you see the completed structure (or stronger muscles or a plump savings account). There's no way around patience and hard work.  "Things take as long as they take."

The other thought is that you can change.  Setting boundaries is vital to one's life.  It helps you identify what you want and says to others who you are.  Boundaries are beneficial in that the offer protection, guard rails, clarity.  As Dr. Henry Cloud illustrates, boundaries are like walls, guarding what gets in and what gets out.  But those walls can have gates, that open and close as you are ready.  Let's say you've set some boundaries for your spending and savings plan.  You're clear on your budget and that wall is in place.  But perhaps there's an organization you want to give to, hurricane victims for example, and giving would change your allotted savings amount for a month or two or however long you want to give.  Everything in your heart says to help.  What do you do?  Open the gate, let it out!

Remember choices and boundaries should be based on your deepest values and you are in control, the CEO of your life.  Boundaries aren't meant to be rigid and void of life and love.  You build them and you can change them.  When making choices for your life it's important to learn to trust yourself, allow for flexibility, educate yourself when needed and go for it!  It may cause discomfort temporarily but the rewards are well worth it.

My Life In Haiti by Butterfly

Today I'm sharing a post from a fellow blogger, Butterfly, who also happens to be my personal trainer.  Well, that was until she left for Haiti.  Here's a behind the scene view of her trip that really moved me.  She made a choice even when things didn't look favorable and it's beautiful.  Check it out...

Written On:  Sunday:  July 25, 2010

Waiting on Me: "Tomorrow doesn’t envy Today, and Today doesn’t ask questions about Yesterday…because it knows its purpose..."

So that’s what I tell my daughter: Never wait!  Never wait for me… never wait on love.  Never wait to live.  Waiting is what causes anger, sadness, guilt, envy, and impatience. So, never wait…continue.  This trip that I am on… needed to be postponed------- for another time------ perhaps another person, and many would say, “Another place.” So why am I here? The adventure, the escape, the work or perhaps my instinctual, self-inflicted responsibility to uphold family tides.  I don’t know… those all sound good. But, I’d be fool to answer that today (8 days into the trip).  The answer will reveal itself…if I don’t get in the way.  Hell, the answer will find away, even if I do!  For now, I’m enjoying the nice sounds of cooing children and clucking chickens.  Good mornings that start at 5 and calm nights that darken at 7.  There is so much to do in a life…and standing still Has To Be one of the options.  Here in Haiti I am able to be actively lazy.  Doing my day-to-day activities don’t bring prosperity, but peace.

In a week Haiti has become my home and hope.  How is this possible?  Well, simple, there are no accommodations here.  You’re quickly swept into normal life, while you ride helmet free on a motorcycle in an open road with minimal signs and signals.  Normalcy kicks in somewhere between fetching water from the well to flushing your own toilet manually.   Hospitality is of most importance, so I can only giggle as I have breakfast with territorial roaches, greedy flies, and a curious mouse that walks around, freely, even while humans are around.  I don’t really know where I am, but there’s peace
every time I wake up and pronounce my name to the sun...with a smile.  I am on the roof…daily: Praying, reading, and journaling.  Looking down at the animals that get to rummage free, even if their final destiny be in someone’s kitchen table…the chickens and roosters, the pigs and hogs, the goats and cows, the cats and dogs, the donkeys and horses… are home, like me.    

Choice Theory

While having dinner with a group of friends and catching up on what we had all been up to I began to talk about choices.  I went on and on about the simple premise of “choice power”.  I grew up with my choices predetermined and options narrowed by religion, the lack of self-awareness and effective communication skills that often made me feel stuck in life.  But after experiencing some very difficult situations that included the sudden death of my sister, a painful divorce, betrayal from respected religious leaders (of which I based a lot of my life’s choices on), I came to the conclusion that I had better start living MY LIFE.  It was hard because I felt like I was going against the grain within myself, my family and friends and spirituality.  It would have been easier to blame others for my pain, heartbreak, loneliness and be mad at everybody else (and that worked for a while) but it offered no resolve nor peace.  So I decided to dig deep, explore new thoughts and ask for help from God, friends, family, counselors, books etc.  I knew that there were things I clearly didn’t understand but when you’ve been conditioned to not ask questions and just do what you’re told, you lose touch with reality, self-awareness and choice.  Growth and development is stunted.  But I fought for my freedom and won.  I took baby steps and started making some major choices that changed my thinking, relationships, spirituality, sexuality, finances, health, self-esteem, ideas about love and overall happiness. 

I’m not saying that I have figured life out especially since I see life as a journey to explore and learn from daily not some case to crack.  However, if I did have the “answer” to life I’d bottle it up and sell it on one of those “As Seen On TV” infomercials and be next BIG THING.  But what I am saying is that I became aware of the power I was given to make free will choices and that what I was experiencing in my life was more my doing or not doing than some ex-husband, the “man” or the devil.  I learned to stop trying to control everybody else and just “choose” for me.  It was no easy task because often those choices put a wedge between me and my family and friends.  I was becoming my own person and others didn’t like it (neither did I sometimes).  Shoot,  a wedge was forming between my spending habits and my savings account, my sleeping habits and getting things done, my eating habits and the gym, my childhood “god” and the divinity within me that was me.  I was challenged in every way, but I was becoming more honest and authentic, creative and confident, and that fueled the fire in me to stay on task.  I felt a bit like a scientist doing research, testing theories and recording the outcomes.  I saw life changing and working for me.  I saw myself grow (up) tremendously. 

So back to that dinner I mentioned earlier.  I told my friends about my theories and tests.  I talked about how I was writing it all down, sharing it with kids I mentored and other friends that were having difficulties in life and how beautiful it was to watch them see their power.  I knew this was something I wanted to do with my life; share choice power, as I understand it, with the world or at least anyone that would hear me.  One of my friends asked “Have you heard of Dr. William Glasser?”  She went on to tell me about Choice Theory, a psychotherapy he created in 1965.  Glasser’s theory concludes that “we are social creatures and need each other and that the cause of almost all psychological symptoms is our inability to get along with the important people in our lives.”¹  Choice Theory replaces external control (trying to make people do what we want) with making caring choices (supporting, encouraging, listening, accepting, trusting, respecting, negotiating differences) that help bring more authenticity to life and relationships.   He developed the ten axioms of choice theory as:

• 
  
  The only person whose behavior we can control is our own.
• All we can give another person is information.
• All long-lasting psychological problems are relationship problems.
• The problem relationship is always part of our present life.
• What happened in the past has everything to do with what we are today, but we can only satisfy our basic needs right now and plan to continue satisfying them in the future.
• We can only satisfy our needs by satisfying the pictures in our Quality World.
• All we do is behave.
• All behavior is Total Behavior and is made up of four components: acting, thinking, feeling and physiology.
• All Total Behavior is chosen, but we only have direct control over the acting and thinking components. We can only control our feeling and physiology indirectly through how we choose to act and think.
• 
  
  All Total Behavior is designated by verbs and named by the part that is the most recognizable. 

Glasser’s theories were sparked by Williams T. Powers, a scientist who developed perceptual control theory (PCT) which emphasizes that “behaviour is purposeful rather than "reactionary".”²  I love that!!  Let me say it again:

“behaviour is purposeful rather than "reactionary"

Can you feel the power in that statement?  We do stuff on purpose whether we want to admit it or not.  We behave as we choose to.  Our choices are our lives.  These concepts were like music to my ears and joy to my heart.  I felt like I was no longer speaking a foreign language.  Needless to say I jumped in head first to study these theories and more like them and drank it all up like water and along came My Choice, a program I developed to introduce these thoughts to others.  I saw what I call “choice power” everywhere, in movies and televisions shows, heard it in music, read it in the bible and other religious writings.  I saw it in my life and it changed me.  My hope is that it will enrich the lives of others as it has for me.

_________________ 

¹ http://www.wglasser.com/

² http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Perceptual_control_theory

The Idle Chooser

A friend said to me "Sometimes I don't want to make a decision at all.  I'd rather let everybody else choose."  She said this while in the midst of a very difficult situation where she had to make a choice.  In light of the circumstances I completely understood where she was coming from.  I've been there myself.  However, even when you're "not" making a choice you are actually "making a choice".  There's no way around it.  As hard and uncomfortable as it may be I can promise you it's better to make a choice that supports your values, truths, plans and goals versus sitting idle.  The idle choice gives you ammunition to cast false blame on others. "It's not my fault."  "I didn't want that."  I call it false because you, the idle chooser, chose not to do anything.  But when you consciously and purposefully make a choice you get to see its power. Your power.  Even if the results are less desirable than intended you got to see that you can make something happen and, if necessary, have the ability to make another choice...and another...and another...and another. 

What do you say we face our fears, take responsibility for our lives and set the course by making our own choices ON PURPOSE!!

Authentic YOU...Authentic Love...

Sometimes we love people by hiding pieces of ourselves in hopes that they will love or continue to love us as we become their perfect creation (an impossibility because perfect people don’t exist).  The focus becomes “keeping the peace” or “not setting him/her off” etc.  We don’t want to be rejected or cause a fight or make someone angry.  In actuality someone being angry is their responsibility not yours. More about that later.  When we fail to stand up for ourselves and let things ride that we are completely against, it starts a war inside.  Some outcomes of this internal conflict are shown as resentment, duty love verse heartfelt love, damaged self-esteem, pretending, walking on eggshells etc.  Not speaking the truth can reinforce an undesired behavior from a loved one who often doesn’t even know about your internal battle.  No one wins in this type of relating.  Sure, every little thing that happens doesn’t have to be an issue.  But to deny yourself the gift of authentic love to be given and received isn’t real love at all.  For love to BE, it has to be given freely from a free person. 

I have an aunt and uncle that just celebrated their 32nd anniversary.  When asked what they felt was the key to a long-lasting marriage they both responded: RESPECT.  They give each other the freedom to be themselves.  I believe this is vital to any relationship.  What scares us is when a person’s freedom infringes on your values and you have to make a decision to either be honest and freely express your concerns realizing that this might cause conflict in the relationship, or act is if you don’t care all the while living with resentment.

Authentic love is when both people are free to be themselves and be accepted by their partner.  This love begins first by loving and accepting one’s self.  You have to know that you are worth fighting for and no one can fight your cause better than you.  When I say you are worth fighting for what I mean is that you are worth supporting, loving, having effective communication, being valued, being cared for, respected and the like.  When you treat yourself with value others will do the same or they will have to move on. Uh oh! Yes, it’s a risk.  But the ultimate goal is authentic love right?

On the flip side, understand that free love does GIVE.  So when loving it’s ok to compromise, work together and make sacrifices for your beloved.  Again, free people give freely.  It’s safer and lasting to be loved for who you really are than to be loved for who you pretend to be.  Be you and be loved. 

Breakfast!!

Decisions decisions!! I'm at Highland Bakery in Atlanta, GA right now about to have something super yummy for breakfast. The problem is there are soooo many options. Let's see what I end up with.......

Cilantro Corn Pancakes it is!!! 

An EXCELLENT CHOICE!!