The Ambiguity of Choice

Why does it seem so hard for me to work out in the winter months?? Hmmm...Perhaps its the warmth of my bed tempting me in the mornings and the sun having set when I get off work in the evenings saying "time for bed again". Both situations nag at my decision to maintain a weekly exercise routine. But I know the benefits of exercise far outweigh the pleasures of sleeping in. So I choose to make it happen anyway.

When making choices we tend to look for the painless route or at minimum the “least” painful route. Have you ever made a decision, experienced discomfort then go back to the drawing board looking for a painless option? Choice requires courage, discipline and patience in order for your desired results to manifest. Seeing your dreams realized brings personal satisfaction, achievement and awareness of your personal power. But choices do not lack pain and/or loss. They are indeed ambiguous and we're rarely 100% sure of how everything will turn out.

I can usually find a minimum of two options when making a choice. And both bring me pleasure and both bring pain. Here’s how my decision to go to the gym  or sleep in on cold days looks on my pain vs. pleasure scale:

GOAL: Maintain a Lifestyle of Regular Exercise

Simple reasoning but it’s what I need to recall to memory when I’m feeling like slacking off.  But it’s the same theory with anything. A teen experiencing peer pressure from the "cool kids" to use drugs, planning to move to a new city, state or country, starting a new career, cooking dinner, dealing with a difficult relationship etc. Anytime there’s a decision to make we have options that bring both pleasure and pain (relatively speaking course). With each choice there's an "unknown" that exist and there's nothing we can do about it. Our ultimate goal serves as our blueprint so that each decision builds our dream, one choice at a time. Couple things to keep in mind:

• Feelings are real and they tells us we are alive but if they become our motivation for decisions then we might find ourselves going back and forth trying to avoid pain but no closer to our goal. 

• We are  never 100% sure of how things will turn out but we can use the information we have, keep the goal in mind and make the best possible decision we can at the moment.

"...a man is responsible for his choice and must accept the consequences, whatever they may be." -W. H. Auden

8-Pack of Crayons

Do you remember your first day of school? Your mom sent you on your way with a cardboard school supply box stashed with a 12” wooden ruler, a bottle of Elmer’s Glue (white), plastic grip scissors, two fat #2 pencils and a 8-pack of Crayola crayons just like the school list suggested just to get to class, sit down and look to your left and see your classmate has the massive 96-pack of crayons with tiered rows of like colors and a built-in sharpener! You turn and face forward and try with everything in you not to reveal your minuscule pack of primary colors. You think "There’s no way my refrigerator door art will be as colorful as hers".  Ok, maybe it was just me. 

Choices are made from your options and your options are as limited or as vast as your creativity. When you think “There’s nothing I can do. This is all I have.” Often what you may be revealing is “This is all I know.”

Choice Theory says that all humans have five basic needs: love & belonging, power, freedom, safety & survival and fun. Our choices are motivated by our attempts to get these needs met even though the level of value of each need may vary from person to person. And that’s perfectly ok. However, problems may occur when you only see one way to get your needs met i.e., a specific person, or job, or event. Although these needs must be met, it would make this life journey a bit more pleasant if you become creative about your options. Here’s an example of the needs, limited options and creativity:

I’m not implying that loving Ted is wrong or that wanting to be with Rebecca is a bad, but if Ted doesn’t love you or Rebecca doesn’t want to be with you then you might want to find new ways to meet your love & belonging needs. Perhaps they do love you and want to be with you but you are sucking the life out of them because you see them as your only source for love & belonging. Love & belonging is not limited to romantic relationships. Human beings need connection with other human beings so to limit the possibility of love & belonging existing only within a romantic relationship with “Ted” or “Rebecca” when we live on a planet of 7,061,963,388 people (as of November 18, 2010 at 9:07am….and counting), you might want to open up to creativity.

It’s ok to want a new job or a promotion at a particular company that you’ve given years of time and energy to, but if that isn’t happening for you then try applying at different companies, positions, or a new career path.  To base your success-o-meter  on what happens at company XYZ, Inc. is limiting and you might want to open up to creativity. (I just met a 68-year-old woman who has changed careers at least four times and is still thriving and enjoying life and learning.)

I understand in a very personal way the battle against family history illnesses so I’m not in any way belittling those fears. But what I am saying is to focus on sickness and giving up on change (although it is your choice to do so) won’t meet your survival & security need. Diet and exercise, mental and emotional stability and fostering hope can add a chance of a healthier, longer life and a perspective of not only surviving but LIVING. (As a friend told me last night “...life is for the living...”) FACT #1: We will all die. FACT #2: We can choose how to live.

Get where I’m going with this? Alabama is beautiful; I was born and raised there. But there’s a huge PLANET called Earth that has even more to experience. And while fun is relative (so party on!) if your relationships (or your wallet) is suffering because of continual partying and drinking but you can’t seem to imagine fun any other way then you might want to open up to creativity.

We must have our needs met but there’s no rule that says “how” we must meet them. We can choose to open our minds, rid them of the limitations and gain some new perspective. Become creative with your 8 pack of crayons; mixing colors, shading at times, pressing down hard at others. Besides there would be no color without the primary colors!! Go ahead….CREATE a GREAT LIFE!!!

Temper Tantrums!

Each of us has our own thoughts on how the world should be.  Even the most open-minded.  We have priorities, views, preferences, rules, rights and wrongs.  And that's normal.  We're human.  So what happens when someone we love doesn't want to play according to our rules?  Do we perceive them as mean and uncaring? Selfish and prideful?  Is that true?  Or are we the mean, uncaring, selfish and prideful of the two?

Enter the crying and screaming, ignoring and disregard. I think of these fits as adult temper tantrums.  Think about it.  The boyfriend won't apologize, or go to the party, or lose weight, or spend money (or stop spending money).  Or the girlfriend won't stop yelling and nagging, or lose weight, or stop spending money or (**insert your grievance here**).  Guess what?  They don't have to.  And neither do you.  I think (and this is my box) expectations will hijack your emotions every time.   You end up looking like the pouting kid who took the playground ball and went home.

Sometimes....most times its easier to let people be who they are.  And then decide from there what kind of relationship you want to have with them.  Truthfully you don't have to have a relationship at all.  Yes, you CAN decide not to be with someone.  Or, you can love them as is....make requests and still love them as is (because a request doesn't guarantee change)...or they just might make the adjustment!  All in all, free love and friendship is waaaaaay better than forced, coerced, manipulated, fear based, temper tantrum love.  If you get your way, then you gotta keep doing it to maintain it.  Who wants that?? YUCK!

Familiar vs The Unknown

Sometimes the hardest thing about change is the unfamiliar.  It can be scary and uncomfortable to make choices in our life that require us to change, spark change in others or changes our situation.  The familiar, even when it's bad for us or keeps us stagnant, can often provide a sense of comfort.  Family Counselor Cotina Houston, MS, LPC of Serenity Counseling says,

"If something is wrong or doesn't feel right to you, you should never find yourself getting "use to it". Example, "I'm used to him calling me out my name" or "I'm used to her not being appreciative of my hard work". We should never allow negative behavior to be our norm."

That's what we see happening when we find ourselves in bad relationships or dead-end jobs or with horrible eating habits.  We've become comfortable with the familiar so much so that the "bad" feels better than trying something new.  I believe the same is true for the positive things in our lives.  You'll often see successful business people looking for new ways to advertise the same product, a teacher may explore new techniques to teach or a mom may search for a new recipe for dinner.  It can be the same thing with a new twist.  It keeps us thriving as human beings to think and be creative.  

Truth is, everything changes and even if the "thing" or "situation" doesn't change, our perception of it can and often does.  Look at technology today.  You can be afraid of it and get left behind.  Job opportunities can become limited because of the fear of the unknown.  Whenever I feel apprehensive about embarking on something new I tell myself, "There are millions of people who already understand this (whatever "this" is), so all I have to do is learn more about it.  By this time next year I will understand this so I will push past these emotions and do it afraid."

Change is a part of life.  And it happens whether we choose it or not.  Good things become better or deteriorate, bad things get worse or get better.  We get older, gain weight (or lose weight), people die, relationships change or end, we understand a concept in one way and then we see it completely anew or different.  Not to mention the whole winter, spring, summer, fall thing.  The same but different, every year. Change is happening.  Instead of resisting change (which can cause a great deal of stress), try looking at life as an adventure, a journey on which you choose to be fully engaged.  Sure you may feel the tug at your heart, your mind and your comfort to stay the same, but at the same time you may feel a tug at your heart, your mind and your comfort to grow, learn, experience someone or something different and get out of the box of your own familiarities. 

Set sail, participate, take the road less traveled, appreciate the familiar and embrace the unknown.  It's not so bad and you just might like it!

Relationship Talk

I was chatting with a friend about love and relationships.  We talked about exercising choice power while dealing with the emotional sides of a relationship.  In particular loving from choice vs loving from...mmm...desperation and emotions alone.  Here are a few points we settled on during our conversation:

1. Choices must be made whether your feelings agree with your head or not.  Sometimes it seems easier to give way to emotions and clam up to avoid issues or to snap at someone during frustrating moments.  However, when emotions are leading we often find ourselves saying things we don't mean, agreeing to things that really go against our character, compromising our "self" and character.  But there are things that must be done regardless of how we feel, choices that have to be made, conversations that have to take place etc.  Avoidance often leads to resentment.  It's like a simmering pot waiting to boil over or dry up.  Either way, the issue will show up again.  Might as well deal with it in truth and courage.  Besides, you want your partner to be in love with the real you, not the you you pretend to be. 

2. You gotta have it to give it. Self-awareness is key.  The more in tune you are with your strengths and weaknesses, your hang ups and fears, your gifts and skills, the more you can address issues in a realistic way.  Getting ego out of the way and allowing yourself to be vulnerable allows for more love and connection to happen in a relationship.  If there's something you simply don't have a clue about, say so.  To pretend or to told hold someone to an unrealistic standard when you yourself can't do it nor can your partner, is a waste of energy and of time that could be used to nurture your relationship.  Know what you have to give, be honest about where you lack skills and understanding and then get help to grow.   

3. Response determines the outcome, not the initial conflict.  Every relationship has conflict, even healthy relationships (if there's never any conflict then it's possible that someone is hiding and compromising self).  Coworkers, family, romantic and friendship relationships  all have areas of disagreement and that's not a big deal.  The issue is how we respond to the conflict.  We can get further with listening to understand (even if we don't agree) as well as speaking to clarify (even if it takes saying it a different way).  And after all that sometimes you have to walk away knowing that you have a difference of opinion but maintaining a mutual respect for individuality.  Besides, who wants to live in a world where everyone is a carbon copy of you? Boring.

Am I Worthy of Decisions That Protect Me? Part 2

I mentioned yesterday that I would poll men to see how they felt about their worth and making choices that support their individual needs. Here's the question I posed and a few responses:

Question: When you make a decision for YOU like having fun, spending money and self-care, do you question if you're worth it or feel guilty?

Responses:

"Never! I may (question) if it’s wise financially, morally, etc." - C., 37

"Nope, I'm always worth it.  'Is it the right time?' is the question." - S., 36

"I don't question if I'm worth it...I question if I have the time for that right now, or what's on my schedule.  I'm always worth it." - K., 37

"I use to.  Now that I'm free (from what people think), I do what I (want to) without questioning or feeling guilty." - J., 37

Interesting huh? 

I appreciated how strong the responses were regarding their worth.  These men seem to value themselves while at the same time consider their responsibilities and priorities.   Sounds like a nice balance.  What do you think?

Am I Worthy of Decisions That Protect Me?

I was listening to a woman talk about a series of events that led to her making some defining choices about her life.  She's learning to trust herself and has been doing a great job at it.  But she made a decision recently that someone in her quality world might not like. (Choice Therapy defines "quality world" as a place of importance in your life or heart.) She was now questioning her decision and said, "I felt bad about making a decision to protect myself."  Immediately after she said that she chuckled.  I didn't ask why she chuckled after making such a powerful statement but I imagined she realized what she had said.  I asked her to repeat it.  We both wowed about it.

Because I've heard this mode of thinking before from many women (myself included) I wondered why women have the tendency to question our worth.  I'm going to ask men about it over the next couple of days to compare thoughts.  But women seem to have such a hard time with taking care of self and others at the same time.  Does one have to suffer for the other to survive?  Do you give away your lives to husbands, children, work, friends to wake up one day and wonder what happened to "ME"?  Forgetting to laugh, travel, plan, spend time with friends, furthering education, save money, working out, rest just because you want to? That ought not be.  I heard a woman admit to giving away her life to raising her children.  And now that the children are grown and building their own lives she's looking around like what now? I don’t have children so I won't pretend to understand a mother's position.  But I will share what I've heard one self-caring mother say,

"I'm raising my children to be productive adults in our world. I love them, nurture them, play with them, laugh etc., but I will not stop living just because I have children.  My husband and I will date and travel and enjoy our life along the way so that when our children grow up and leave we will still know each other.  I will stay connected to my friends and what's important to me as an individual." 

I'll let that statement speak for itself.

But what I can comment on from experience is being married and giving away parts of myself that should have been reserved for me, only to find myself in a state of hardened resentment.  After getting a divorce I noticed I was unfamiliar with "me" and faced with unsettling difficulties in my decision-making skills when it came to taking care of myself.  While I 100% support giving, compromise and healthy interdependence in a relationship I think it's equally important to give to oneself and stay abreast of what's going on in your life.  Besides, how can you love, take care of and support others without first loving, taking care of and supporting yourself?

I think we do ourselves and our families a disservice when we ignore our personal needs in an effort to take care of them.  I believe we can and must do both in order to love well and be a solid partner in our relationships be it marriage, as parents, co-workers etc.  So take self-inventory and clear away any cobwebs that have been created in areas gone un-nurtured in you by you.  Be it healthy diet and exercise plans, rekindled friendships, volunteer work that you value, maintaining financial acumen, expanding your education, exploring new hobbies, maintaining emotional and mental health, traveling the world or a regularly scheduled day at the spa, make a decision to take care of the whole you so that you have something to willingly give to those you love.

A Little At A Time

I have yet another busy week ahead of me.  I just mapped out my list of tasks for the week and seeing it in black and white helped to bring a sense of calm and clarity.  Although I have a lot to get done, I've decided to break it all up over the next seven days taking it little by little.

I read something last night that really helped me stay focused.  There was a woman who wanted to lose weight.  She wanted to be 30lbs lighter and wanted it all to happen NOW.  So her plan (that had been tried before and failed) was to go all out immediately.  You know that crash diet plan: no food, work out three time a day etc.  However, the only way to lose weight in a healthy way and keep it off is to change your life not your week.  One has to chisel away at the unwanted pounds little by little.  But the woman wanted immediate gratification and gave little value to the realistic pound or two a week that a real plan would give her.  Then Dr. Henry Cloud, author of  Nine Things You Simply Must Do said "No successful person ever lost 30lbs without first losing one."  He urged her to begin to value a little at a time.  It made sense. 

The bottom line is things take time, especially any lasting change that we want to make in our lives.  The microwave method doesn't work.  We'll simply find ourselves back to square one and often with wasted time and energy, exhausted and frustrated, having taken shortcuts that led to detours and bringing us no closer to our goal.  So with that tidbit of wisdom in mind I'm taking my week one day at a time, one task at a time, one accomplishment at a time.  What about you?

Show Up

This week was tough for me.  Meaning I had tons of projects at work, mounds of homework and studying to do, prep for volunteering, make sure I hit the gym like I planned and spend time with a few friends.  I never seemed to get in bed at the time I wanted to and woke up tired almost everyday.  However, I showed up.  I noticed that I made a choice at every turn.  Where I could have gotten frustrated and annoyed (which I felt), I'd make another choice and show up fully engaged at each task.  Even when it was something I really didn't enjoy it was up to me to get it done and over with.  Dread has a way of sapping your energy.  Don't let it! 

I know that nothing was happening to me outside of normal life.  Life happens to us all.  Welcome to humanity.  I don't think it's what happens to us or the responsibilities we have that brings us to frustration more than our attitude towards it ( and a lack of planning and time management).  A few things I like to remind myself of is that: 1) This is what life consists of; routines, work and responsibilities, 2) I wont feel like this once I finish my tasks, and 3) Nothing changes unless I make it change.   So now that my thoughts are calm I can prioritize and mark things off my to-do list as they happen.  With a shift in my thinking, I feel accomplished, succesful, happy and view myself as a contributor to the world even from my little corner of the planet.  Now what I do plan to do is review my week so that I can go into next week a bit more prepared, learning from experiences but showing up nonetheless. 

RESTART

Sunday is my favorite day of the week.  Something about it says RESTART and I feel energized.  But I love any new day, a new week, a new school year, newly washed laundry, a clean page in my journal, the delete button, choosing to forgive or being forgiven, hitting the gym, opening a savings account...  Any thing that says let's start anew.  I try not to forget to be responsible for anything I need to tidy up about yesterday, but to take yesterday's old into my RESTART, no way!    I miss it sometimes and recall a mistake made or a bad decision that I regret.  But since I can't change yesterday I might as well be happy and positive about today.  I think life offers us so many opportunities to start again.  And life is way too short to give energy to dead horses.  So go ahead, and hit that RESTART button on your life.  You can decide to forgive someone, forgive yourself, set new financial goals, read a new book, start your new business, drink more water, or just BE HAPPY.  Whatever it is RESTART!!.