humanity...

What is Maturity?

 

jessicaleereynolds.wordpress.com



• Knowing myself.
• Asking for help when I need it and acting on my own when I don't.
• Admitting when I'm wrong and making amends.
• Accepting love from others, even if I'm having a tough time loving myself.
• Recognizing that I always have choices, and taking responsibility for the ones I make.
• Seeing that life is a blessing.
• Having an opinion without insisting that others share it.
• Forgiving myself and others.
• Recognizing my shortcomings and my strengths.
• Having the courage to live one day at a time.
• Acknowledging that my needs are my responsibility.
• Caring for people without having to take care of them.
• Accepting that I'll never be finished -- I'll always be a work-in-progress.

 

 

(from Courage to Change: One Day At a Time in Al-Anon, page 63. Reprinted with permission of Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc., Virginia Beach, VA)

I AM NOT....

nothing to blog here....picture says it all...



from http://naturalhairteens.tumblr.com/



All Aboard!!




the prisoner, the robin, the officer (and birthday girl),
 the sundrop, the devilish

 

To celebrate one of my girlfriends’ birthday we took an Amtrak train ride from Birmingham, AL to New Orleans, LA for Halloween weekend.  Costumes in tow headed to Bourbon Street, we tore up the town. Well, we watched as others tore it up and jumped in every once and a while like double-dutch.  The entire trip took us about 36 hours (round trip).  I assumed it would be an amazing time of girlfriends chatting it up about boys and babies, painting our nails, giggles, fun, dancing, eating, very little sleep… (and it was!!).  But what I didn’t expect was to be so moved by seeing the south in such a moving way from my Amtrak window.  We boarded the train while being assisted on by a gentleman with his hand out as we stepped onto a small bright yellow stool onto the train.  I felt like such a lady.  “Make a right and take a seat anywhere…” we were instructed.  The seats were comfy, much larger than an airplane, they reclined with a mini lazy boy type extension and a foot rest.  The conductor came to our car and announced “Welcome aboard!”  I thought surely he could do that using an overhead speaker, I mean it is 2011.  But I grew to enjoy his announcements along the way.  He would explain that Amtrak has very little train tracks of its own and had to share with freight train tracks so we might be a little behind schedule.  (I couldn't help but think about Denzel Washington's movie Unstoppable...uh oh...).  He told us about the snack car, dining car, business center area, game areas and available restrooms.  

He also told us about the towns we’d pass through with a little history every now and then.   One of my favorites was Moundville, AL. Although we passed it too fast for me to snap a picture, I did get to see these huge beautiful mounds (ranging from three to 57 feet high) strategically place and sitting on top of the open fields like big green Legos. 

Moundville, AL

They seemed so out of place but very interesting.  The conductor said that they were sites of Indian villages and burial grounds.  I quickly jotted a few notes down so I could Google later.  Moundville was a very large population and a thriving city for its time.  The mounds were centers for religious and political activities.  But no one is quite sure how the use of these beautiful structures ended.  Geesh! I really wanna know what happened.

Meridian, MS

We also saw some very old train stations that seem to just pop up.  We’d slow down, pick up a passenger or two and then keep moving. It reminded of old movies where ladies wore tailored dresses and gloves, and men wore suits to travel in and sat on the train sipping tea or whiskey.  It was poetic.  Meridian, MS even had an old train as historic relic right near the station where we stopped for more passengers and a smoke break.

Tuscaloosa, AL was hard to witness.  We could still see the path of the tornados that recently hit the city that left trees uprooted and homes without roofs.  It was humbling and painful.  But in a matter of seconds we were back to beautiful views of fall foliage, small streams and ponds and sunshine. It was like a watching an old silent film leaving any description and conversation to our imagination. 

Finally, NOLA.  Homes on cinder blocks and cemeteries with graves above the ground, again another moment, time, terrain and people.  And even though Bourbon Street was all about celebrating and partying, again the mix of people, costumes, messages, languages and accents gave us all another opportunity to accept others, be free in our own choices but respecting the variety of thought and expression. This experience reminded of times changing, devastation and rebuilding, differences and similarities.  It’s all a part of life that we share and get to experience.  I was born and raised in the south but this train ride gave me the opportunity to see my home in a new light.  It also reminded me to be open-minded and look for beauty, good, lessons and inspiration in the familiar and the new.  Looking forward to my next Amtrak train ride…..

BE in the Moment



Full plate!! School is requiring a lot more from me this semester, work responsibilities have gone up several notches, time with family and friends are necessity but I’ve been exhausted!  I’m not complaining just stating the facts.  I’ve been so focused on “stuff” that I’ve missed a few moments, and where I use to find time to just BE, I’ve been sleeping.  So I’ve negated my meditation, reflection and the present.  I decided to take a yoga class on Sunday to help solidify my choice to rebalance and catch my breath.  I went to my usual yoga studio but there was a new instructor teaching the hot core power session I take.  She was kind and warm.  I liked her instantly.  Our session started with soft music, deep breaths and the Supta Baddha Konasana restorative pose.  It felt great to be back in class.  As I laid there in gratitude for life all I’ve been given I recognized the lyrics to the song playing overhead.

“Yes, God is real. (God is real)

He’s real in my soul. (He’s real in my soul)

For he has washed

And made me whole.

His love for me (His love for me)

Just like pure gold (Just like pure gold)”

I knew the words but it was being sung in a yoga chant-like rhythm with a drum and some stringed instrument.   But it was moving all the same as I recalled the song from childhood.  Tears started to well up in my eyes and my gratitude increased for this moment, space, and the gift of connectedness to something greater than ME.  Then the calm voice of my new instructor said “In today’s practice, let’s focus on the present.  Be here. Right now. And if you feel your mind start to wander, use the rhythm and sound of your deep breath to bring you back to NOW.  This moment is for you.”

I don’t think my Sunday could have been any better.  For me moments like this confirm my purpose and existence in this space in history. I was right where I need to be that afternoon, right where my tired soul longed to be….reminded of love, life, rest, connection, my power to BE in the moment and not let the responsibilities and distractions of life keep me from tending to my soul while enjoying this journey. 

Whatever you do to center and balance and restore, don't neglect it.  Take care of your whole self. Namaste.

It's Not That Hard To Be Happy

I use to subscribe to a "climbing up the rough side of the mountain" type of living.  Where everyday was a press, an act of faith to hold a little longer until some magical change would appear.  It seemed to make sense too especially since everybody around me pretty much shared the same view in some way.  As a matter of fact, as long as everybody was "pressing" we seemed ok.  But not anymore.

Acceptance of my human limitations, personal skills and abilities and the realities of life that we all are vulnerable to like falling in love and love lost, landing a great job or getting let go, a new born baby and death of loved one produced enormous change in my life. 

"No temptation has overtaken you that is unusual for human beings." - 1 Corinthians 10:13 International Standard Version

That verse from the bible is one that pops up from my church days and I love it.  Whenever I do experience something painful and it seems too much for me to handle I remind myself that it's not new. Maybe it's new for me but not new to the planet.  What's happening to me isn't some grand discovery that requires science to develop new research methods and theories to figure out.  Most of the time I can google, ask a friend or a doctor about it and it's all good.  Sure I might have to apply a little elbow grease and work hard and/or differently, some critical thinking to reshape how I interpret it and patience to get through it (sometimes a tear or two and a few expletives) but that's normal.  That's called LIFE, complete with change, maturity, resiliency; ya know, the basics. 

Not one single human being is immune to life and its challenges or its triumphs.  We all experience both.  I've learned to accept that, and some how life became easier.  It's easier to enjoy the moments I have because I was no longer battling against life but instead living life.  My focus turned from "struggling to make it and forcing joy" to starting my day with "What are the possibilities of today?  How will I grow? What will I learn?  How hard will I laugh?  Who can I make smile?"  And happiness just sort of happened.  Not because of things or people in particular but because of my perspective, interpretation and acceptance of what I could change and what I could not change. Now things and people are like icing on my happy cake!  Want a slice?

"...savor the moments of pleasure that our brief life contains. It is not denial but courage that allows us to do this.  That and an unwillingness to let the present moment be drained of joy by fear of the future or regret for the past." - Dr. Gordon Livingston from Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart

How To Love by Dr. Gordon Livingston

In "How To Love", Dr. Gordon Livingston digs deep and challenges readers to assess their choices in how and whom to love, placing the responsibiltiy of succesful or failed relationships on the individual choosing to love.

It begins with "first deserve, then desire", a thought that requires each of us who wants to love to first be lovable.  It's an easy yet gut wrenching read when you realize that the immature, anxiety prone "jerk" in the relationship just might be YOU.  But it also comforts the broken-hearted while teaching the newly loving person that it's ok to love all the way.  By pointing out the less desireable personalities traits to avoid and the personality traits to look for when choosing whom we will love, loving well looks within reach.

You can skim through "How To Love" on Google Books.

My Favorite Birthday Present....

photo from genii-cupcakes.co.uk

I just celebrated a birthday and I couldn't really think of any tangible gifts I wanted (and that made sense in my practical mind) besides a popcorn popper and couple of things for my place; so I bought them myself.  I did however, plan brunch and a movie with a few girlfriends that turned out to be a super sweet, intimate and relaxing afternoon.

But while alone in my thoughts, I smiled because the best birthday present I experienced was HAPPINESS.  Happiness and Freedom.  I've written before about the pressure I use to feel to be what people, deep-rooted beliefs, and social expectations were requiring of me.  I never felt free to make my own choices based solely on what I wanted, to learn with an open mind, and to explore without fear.  Not sure I even thought it was an option.  As a matter of fact, I didn't know I wasn't free, I just knew I wasn't happy; waiting on some divine intervention to MAKE things better.  The past 10 years have been unbelievable (good and not so good), but the past year has been AMAZING!!  I admitted so many things to myself; defined my own ever evolving truths, desires, beliefs; no longer suppressed by what I was "suppose" to accept as truth, to want, to believe and to think.  I also became more confident in expressing my truths risking relationships with my family, friends and coworkers.  I didn't take on this challenge with a chip on my shoulder or to prove anything to anyone else.  I pushed myself so that I could see my choice in action.  I wanted a say in my life.  I wanted to see my life, my heart, my mind become peaceful, to see my intentional choices create what I want for myself.  And I've seen it happen.  To be happy.  To have great relationships.  To be financially stable.  To be intellectually stimulated.  To be physically strong.  To simply own my consequences and outcomes and to make adjustments as necessary and as I am ready to.  To exercise a confident resilency when on the down slopes of life and remain hopeful.  To constanly be aware that no one was gonna do what I needed to do for myself. It's not that any of this wasn't possible before, but I was stuck thinking there was only one way to live; waiting for a miracle.  The only miracle I've witnessed with results is the miracle of CHOICE and it is powerful.   

Sweet Potato Breakfast: 2 Way Experiment

I had a few sweet potatoes in the fridge and wanted to have some for breakfast. But I'd didn't want sweet potato pancakes nor baked sweet potatoes. So I tried a couple of things: Savory & Sweet!

Ingredients:
1 large peeled and grated sweet potato (only a portion shown here)
1 quarter grated red onion
1 grated Gala apple
Salt
Pepper
Cinnamon
Honey
Olive Oil



Savory:
Heated olive oil in a pan
Added half of the grated sweet potato and all of the red onion
Seasoned with salt and pepper
I sorta scrambled in the pan for a minute or so and then formed 3 patties, pressing with spatula.

After it cooked for about 3 minutes on one side I turned over for another 2 min.

Voila!! Done!!

And it was absolutely YUM!!!!!!!!

Sweet:
Heated olive oil in a pan
Added half of the grated sweet potato and all of the apple
Seasoned with cinnamon and honey
I scrambled in the pan for a minute until tender. (I couldn't get the patty shape to take because of the juice of the apple....I think.)

So I served it loosely scrambled. It was good but could have been better. Perhaps I'll try to bake the "Sweet" and add granola and raisins next time.

Score:
Sweet 2 Yums!!
Savory 5 Yums!!!!!

I Wish I Never Knew Religious Beliefs

Photo from www.smileconstantly.wordpress.com

I still make wishes every now and then, perhaps the kid in me would like life to be that easy.  Blow out a few candles or dandelions, throw a penny in a well, close my eyes immediately after seeing a shooting star then make a wish.  And no doubt I've had a few come true, not without my own effort, planning and hard work of course.  But the wish to know life without Christian Fundamentalism is one that I will never experience.  I was raised that way and had spent 30 plus years believing it, even though I didn't always try to live it.  But why would I wish I never knew it? So I could know what it's like to live life without the lingering thoughts of God, Christ, Satan, hell, sin, submission, backsliding, repentance, church on Sundays, bible study, tithing, equally yoked, prayer, fasting, blessings, curses, and seeking God for His will before I make decisions etc.   

I can't emphatically say that I believe the basic tenements of Christianity and it seems hypocritical to me to say I am a Christian. But admitting it came with a boat load of fear. Fear of being struck down, killed and sent straight to hell, judged and labeled a backslider, losing relationships with my Christian family and friends, and ending up on everybody's prayer list for God to call me back to the fold.  As hard as it was to deal with those fears (some I saw painfully realized), I never could have imagined the mental battle I would face while learning to live a normal life without Christianity.  I had no idea that it would even be an issue.  Here are a few examples:

1. Having dinner and wanting to just eat but feeling like I should say grace especially when with believers.

2. Getting paid, not giving any money to God via a church and being OK with that decision.

2. Dating and learning that religious beliefs pose a serious issue, even for me.

3. The responsibility that comes with owning my life choices and the outcomes produced vs. thanking God for the good while rebuking the devil for the bad.

4. The anxiety experienced when asked "What church do you go to?" and having to respond with "I don't."

5. Wondering if good will happen in my life without professing Jesus as my Lord and Savior.

6. Not saying "Thank you Lord" when good does happen and looking around for curses to appear in my life because of my lack of acknowledgment.

7. Questions about the afterlife that can never be answered until I experience it.

8. When my non-belief is exposed, people say it's because I was mistreated by clergy, or hurt that God didn't save my marriage or heal my sister of stage four cancer.

I could go on and on with this list, most of which says more about my perceptions and new thoughts  bumping up against my old fundamentalism.  I really shouldn't care as much as I have since my reasons for not believing have to do with facts and historical discrepancies that would make this post even longer than intended (maybe I'll share some of it later). But while owning my new thoughts I'd often have knee jerk responses to life and then think "Wait, why am I doing this?"  My friend and I call it residue; a left over film of fear induced beliefs still clinging to areas of my mind.

Now, don't get me wrong I'm not rude.  My father is a preacher, my mother a devout woman of prayer, my brother a minister in the area of music and an even longer list of religious family members with various titles.  With all of these family dynamics, I would be inhumane to disrespect my loved ones.  Just because I've changed doesn't mean others have or will.  And I could very well change again.  So I pause as grace is said, visit my father's church and actually pay attention listening to learn something, accept that people have different beliefs, don't stir up any unnecessary issues in a group of believers, give to organizations that help those in need, and still express gratitude for the ability to live and enjoy a good life.  

But after making new friends who are less rigid Christians, or friends who are spiritual and open to many different thoughts, or agnostics who admit they aren't sure either way, I've been shown a different spirituality that still celebrates love, giving, family, hope and faith without fear.  But the most intriguing conversations have been with atheists who have NEVER known religion.  Nothing pushes them toward it or from it.  No mental hurdles to get over, no battles with God's approval or disapproval.  Just...........living.  And they still celebrate love, giving, family, hope but no faith.  They are free to think for themselves and make decisions without cognitive dissonance with their eternity hanging in the balance.  No spiritual attributions made to explain life's ups and downs. They seem to look at life with rational thinking, scientific facts and proven theories.  No asking God to "help my unbelief", they just don't believe.   I'm not claiming one is better than the other especially since wonderful things and awful things happen on both sides.  People need different things to make sense of life and it's not my intent to determine truth for anybody else.  To each his own.  I just wonder what that would be like.  I wish I could know, if even in a dream.

His Love

His scent
It haunts me
My dreams
I rush to sleep

His smile
His lips
Made for me
I open to kiss


His arms
Strong...sure
Finally here
I let go

His words
The story he tells
Of me of him of us
I lean in to listen

His love is
My love

             -sunnie

Death = ?

Pic from Askville.amazon.com

I know. The title sounds morbid but I don't mean it that way. Just up pondering about the afterlife. It actually feels like a waste of time considering no one really KNOWS what's after this. We all have beliefs that we deem as truth but really they're just beliefs and comforting hopes. I think about my sister often. Wondering where she is or if she is. When she first passed I held on to the hope of a heaven. It got me through the pain of not having her here anymore. But now that it's my reality and I admit that I don't really know, I'm just curious. Here are the options I imagine:

1. Heaven. Streets of gold, pearly gates, Jesus in a white robe with a sash. God on the throne, angels circling and praising Him and millions of others souls joining in on the celebration. But then I'm not sure if that would be happening just yet because the bible says the dead are sleeping until they are awakened for judgement. (Or something like that). Either way, heaven is all good and all love. Except...I think my sister would be bored. Gold streets and pearly gates and everybody dressed alike is so NOT my sister's style. She was vibrant, colorful, expressive, silly, creative and artsy. Surely there's a Artist's Corner somewhere in heaven.....if there is a heaven.

2. Reincarnation. The First Law of Thermodynamics says "Energy is conserved. It is neither created nor destroyed. It only changes forms." Was her energy changed? Was she reborn as another baby somewhere, or as an animal or a tree? But geesh, to have to do this earth thing again? I don't know. I mean a do-over would be pretty cool, but do you remember the mess ups you had before so you don't repeat the same mistakes? Hmm, maybe she's a butterfly because she was really into them and at least it would be a whole new experience. Or perhaps she's out there in the universe as a star. I like that idea!!

3. Nothing. One of my agnostic friend's introduced me to the concept of "nothing". What if when we die that's it? The end. Game over. There is no spirit or soul, the brain's trillions of synapse stop firing, chemical processes stop processing and we cease to exist. That was hard to download in my thinking as an option initially because I had never ever in life considered that. But after I got past my years of indoctrination about heaven and hell being the only possibilities, I thought "OK, nothing isn't so bad." Actually it's a comforting concept to not have to worry about making the heaven cut, or being doomed to hell, or coming back as a cockroach! Maybe the memories and the affections I have for her are all that remain to exist. Maybe?

4. Hell. I use to believe in a hell eternity for all those who refused to accept Christ because I was taught to think that way. Then I stopped believing that people went to hell for simply not believing just as much as I stopped believing that people went to heaven simply for believing. I can't wrap my brain nor my heart around faulty, broken, mistake prone, potentially chemical imbalanced human beings going to hell to burn forever because of a hierarchy of bad deeds while the folks in heaven look down at them through see-through gold floors. And the God of all has His hands tied because he gave His unchangeable word. That to me is cruel, evil, and unloving. It doesn't add up to me and I'd rather use any faith I have for "good stuff". So hell is not even an option for me to ponder about my sister or anyone else for that matter. It's just not in me to accept that.

Now, after all that, do I have to have an answer? Can I just not know and settle there? I mean, is there anyway to be 100% certain? Not by faith nor by theory, can we know? The stories people tell of dying and returning after experiencing what they already believed to be true aren't convincing enough for me.  Nor are the atheists view of nothingness.  Seriously, how do we know? I just.........wonder.

Sade

The year was 1985. My middle school best friend, her sisters and me were waiting to see the #1 video on the countdown.  Then it was announced and the music began to play "no need to ask...he's a smooth operator..." We responded with a unified disappointed “Aw man!!!”.  I’m sure we were hoping to see Ready For The World or New Edition but nope, it was Sade. I think we watched for a few seconds and then headed out to the movie theater across the street from my friend’s neighborhood.

I didn’t appreciate that sort of music back then.  I mean I was a kid.  But fast-forward to 2011 as Helen Folasade Adu, the woman we know as Sade appears coming up from the ground at Philips Arena in Atlanta, lights low, with a slow stroll, the snare drum click-clacking clear as ever, as she sings “I’ve lost the use of my heart but I’m still alive…” I think, no I know, I had tears in my eyes.  Having gained experience, loved and loss, I now understand what she means.

This concert was the best I have ever been to.  It was emotionally moving, visually eye catching, musically OFF THE CHARTS, nostalgic as she sang songs that I have grown with and she looked AMAZING.  She was beautiful and ridiculously sexy although fully clothed; something music often lacks nowadays.  She sometimes wore an Audrey Hepburn inspired black top, ankle pants and flats, to a Irene Cara (via Sparkle) off-white gown with a hot pink peek-a-boo bra with bare feet and she closed the show in a candy apple red long sleeve dress. She oozed love, emotion, freshness, depth, pain and healing.  If you haven’t seen her live, please do.  This chick…I dig!

Check out this video from the concert.....she's SMOKIN'!!!

Who Started It? Who Ends It?

Pic from seriouslywhyallthedrama.blogspot.com

Honey and I enjoyed a beautiful walk at the park the other day with one of my girlfriends.  We did our typical catch up chitchat and like usual we ended up discussing change and growth in our lives.  I was throwing around thoughts about being treated well by the people in my life and treating those beautiful people just as well (to the best of my ability); a stark contrast from some of the bad relationships of my past.  She chimed in on her experiences too.  We went back and forth about the consistent treatment we receive from various people, the good and the bad. Then we pondered, "Why do people treat us the same way repeatedly? Do we cosign and reinforce the behavior even when we don’t want it?”  A Pastor I know use to say something like "You get two chances with me: 1) to make a mistake or bad decision regarding how you treat me and 2) do it again and that's the last chance you get.”

So what happens when we find ourselves in a sick cycle of drama complete with futile arguments, disrespectful communication, ugly cry tears, headaches and depression?  Who started it? Better yet how do we stop it?

Well, my friend I concluded that it’s up to us to take a long hard look at our actions. Decide what we really want for our lives and make choices to create the desired good.  We have to set boundaries and limits on how we treat others and the treatment we allow from others toward us.  If it’s good and wanted then we reciprocate, show gratitude, and love.  But if we don’t want it then say so, cut it off early on (or right now even if it’s been going on for years), white knuckle it and stick to your guns.  Not sure who coined the phrase “you teach people how to treat you” but I agree 100%.  But before we can teach anyone else, we have to teach ourselves to be good to SELF.  Once you get use to peace, love, support, respect, laughter, kindness, and goal oriented compromise, the foolish masochistic routines look less and less desirable.  Regardless of the nagging memoires of “sometimes we had fun” or the blindly faithful “maybe things can be different if I <insert whatever actions you’ll have to continue to keep mean people happy and satisfied>”. Remember my post about choosing what to feel?  This is where you have to focus on what you want more than the feelings that often make us weak and fall back into the drama.

Wait…I’m not saying people can’t change.  I am a believer in change.  But I do believe people have to want it for themselves.  And I believe that people can only change themselves.  No magic tricks. No spells and potions.  Just good old fashioned resolve to have a GOOD life!

I Have Found My Balance by TKB

Recently one of my friends shared an enlightening experience with me about choice power, self-awareness and growth.  I loved it so much that I wanted to share it with you!  Check it out:

Photo from The Parks Place

Earlier this year, I decided to take a break from drinking.  If I had to put a title on it, I would consider myself a "social" drinker. One can expect to see me with a glass at a party, an after-work function, restaurant, a Girl's Night Out and my monthly Happy Hours with friends.  Even at home I was known to have the occasional glass of vino or when I felt like being grand, a glass of champagne.  I wouldn't classify myself as an alcoholic because I truly enjoy the flavor and taste of wine, a good Mojito (thanks to my friend who I call the Mojito Master) and an ice cold beer every now and then.  For a long time I convinced myself that I was born in the wrong country.  If I were a European this would be no big deal in the least bit. But I let my mind and thoughts get the best of me and I started to wonder, do I depend on alcohol too much?  

The fact that the question even popped up in my head was reason enough for me to want to explore it more.  Because I decided to approach this year being all about "finding the balance", I thought this feat would prove to be a good one.  I set out to go 21 days without alcohol and then decided if I could do 21 I could do 40 and then I added on 5 days for good measure.  My 45 day stint, which is what I like to call it, was full of emotion and I learned a lot about myself and to me that is always a good thing.  This personal detox allowed me to really take a cold hard look at myself and how I handle situations without the crutch of being able to have a drink to relax me, mellow out, or calm down.  What I was left with were my true raw emotions untainted and ready to be dealt with whether I wanted to or not because there was no escape. 

The first thing I noticed was when things bothered me, whether at work or home, I didn't have the option to pour myself a glass of wine to relax and figure things out; it was either deal with it now or take a moment to assess the situation and then respond. Some situations proved to be more difficult than others but I got through it. Like any fast or detox, the beginning is the hardest and for me it lasted about two weeks.  I was retraining myself to just be, to think, assess and react rather than what I use do: think, have a glass of wine, assess and react. Another challenge for me was handling my social calendar.  Events didn't stop just because I was doing this.  There were still dinner invitations, parties, happy hour requests, wine tastings and the like to constantly try to shake my plight. And again, it was difficult especially after sharing the news of my alcohol detox my friends immediately wanted to know "What wrong with you?" or the question I found the most humor in, "Why in the world would you give up drinking?" These were followed by comments like "Better you than me", or "I could never do that."   However, I’m happy to say that I didn't succumb to the pressure. Suddenly I was proud of myself for creating a goal, and sticking with it.  My inner-being wanted to complete this self assigned task no matter what was thrown my way.  And what started out as a painful journey ended on a high.  Here’s what I got out of it:

• I know it's cliché but you can truly do ANYTHING you set your mind to.
• Self-evaluation and reflection is good and needed for growth and development.
• Battling your thoughts, emotions, and the day-to-day challenges will never be easy but it can be done.
• People will always have something to say when you are doing something different, don't let it shake you!
• On the other side of your challenge you will be a different person, embrace it.

With any new adventure or challenge, in some way shape or form, the experience will change who you are as person or at least it did for me.  While I still enjoy alcoholic beverages, I no longer use them as crutch.  When I have a glass of wine or a cocktail it's because I truly want to.  I am not trying to escape a situation, a thought, or an uncomfortable moment.  I am no longer hesitant to deal with my raw emotions and work through.  I have found my balance.

A Beautiful Mess

One of my favorite persons on the planet gave me the most unreal compliment the other day.  She sent a text asking “Have you ever sat and thought about how near perfect you are?”  Of course I laughed hysterically and responded with “You’re crazy!” We went back and forth a bit as I went on and on about the world and its ideal version of beauty and I just try to make the most out of the cards I’ve been dealt.  She lovingly ignored my response and listed several attributes that she sees in me from intellect to wit, from physical appearance to caring and sensitivity, from adventurous nature and sense of style, hair and skin...  She laid it on pretty thick and I almost wondered who she was talking about.  It was a long list and I’m too embarrassed to share it all verbatim.  But I blushed from ear to ear.  Laughing again I told her I found it funny sense I feel crazy most of the time.  She said “We all are….but you are a BEAUTIFUL MESS.”  I was at the DMV while having this text convo so I couldn’t cry like I wanted to, being the total mushy waterhead I am.  But I loved the thought of that…A BEAUTIFUL MESS.  Even with all that I see happening in the world, in the lives of my friends and family, coworkers and strangers, the good and bad, the misfortunes and the blessings, I see immense beauty that often leaves me in awe.  Human beings never cease to amaze me.  One minute we’re at war in foreign lands and in our homes but the next minute we’re holding each other and celebrating the smallest things.  A beautiful mess….yes, we are.

But to my Tina, who I hope and pray sees in yourself even half of what I see in you,

You my dear are unbelievably MAGNIFICENT.  From your long legs that go on for days to your humongous eyes that spark life in me whenever I see you.  Your smile beams. Your laughter is infectious and addictive.  Your sensitivity and care makes me feel safe and loved and supported.  I love that I can be myself around you without any apprehension or fear of judgment.  You reminded me of my worth when I forgot.  The grace in which you walk in enables you to take people in not just to your home but to your heart is nothing short of heavenly.  Your “fortitude” present today and apparent to me all of our lives wows me and reminds me that I can make stuff happen for myself.  You taught me that working hard for what I want is not only possible but a MUST.  Your hugs are what I look forward to whenever I see you.  My cousin, more like a sister….you are my heart.  I love you.  And hey, have you ever sat and thought about how near perfect you are?  Because I have.

This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine...

Honey and I went to the park earlier this week for our typical after work exercise routine.  While settling into a nice pace I notice a mutt doggie, as red as Honey, and his mom-owner having a disagreement.  She wanted to keep walking but the doggie stopped and sat in the grass.  She was actually lifting him up by his torso trying to get him to keep moving.  I thought it was hilarious and figured the dog was just tired and hot.   But as Honey and I got closer the handsome fellow locked his eyes on my Honey and instantly popped up.  He started to sniff and Honey did her usual brief sniff and kiss that she gives to dogs she likes.  However, she didn’t linger and soon looked at me like "Ok, Mommy, let's go."  But the new dog was following us and moving excitedly so Honey turned to give the smitten pup a few more kisses.  The owner explained that he was a rescue and other dogs freaked him out so bad that he would tuck his tail and just sit down.  This was his expression of fear; complete collapse.  After seeing her dog’s response to Honey she was surprised.  “He must like her”, she said.  I thought it was the sweetest thing.  Honey’s magic seems to work on people and dogs and my heart melted watching the puppy (twice her size) spring up and play. My Honey’s cheerful and easygoing disposition offered safety and calm to a strange dog that was use to trauma and fear. Awwww…everybody falls in love with my sweet baby girl. <Insert proud doggie-mom smile here> 

Inspired I pondered the moments we humans have, however brief and random, to cross paths with someone that gives us hope, offers a needed perspective and shares love without expectation simply by being who they are.  I’ve experienced countless moments like these while shopping, dining out, via books and lectures and from my most appreciated family and friends that love and support me.  Just when things look so dark and stagnant Love shows up and sparks a fire in me to get up and LIVE; not just survive but to really LIVE.  I’m thankful.  I sincerely hope and pray that I offer the same to others.

The moral to the story: Give love and light just by being present and aware of your fellow sojourners.  It doesn't take much.  Acknowledge each other with a smile, a compliment, and a “thanks”; be empathetic, supportive and kind.  There’s a connectedness we share as living beings and we need each other.  Don’t hold back the LOVE!  

The Best Year of Your Life: Dream It, Plan It, Live It by Debbie Ford

Love love love this book!! 

Simple. To the point. Challenging. 

What got me to even thumb through the book was the "Plan It" part of the title.  Sure I have dreams that I would love to live, don't we all?  So make it happen...have a plan not just some jack-and-the-beanstalk hope based on fantasy.  A great life takes WORK (beginning within ourselves) to see it happen. 

Debbie Ford walks you through realizing your hearts intent, exposing fantasies so that you can actually live in REALITY.  I promise it's worth the penny (in my opinion). 

Still not convinced? Here's a great interview you can check out before buying the book. 

"In any given moment you’re guided by one of two maps — a vision map, which is a deliberate plan for your future, or a default map,which is made up of your past." - Debbie Ford 

Learn. Grow. Live.

"Lebenschancen" - Life Chances

I had lunch with one of my girlfriends yesterday and she was updating me on her family happenings.  She and her hubby have recently made the decision to send their son to a private school to ensure his education was the best for his individual learning and assist him in getting over a few humps learning in his primary years.  The tuition will cost them a pretty penny too, so they are making changes to their spending to fit it in.  I sat there listening and thinking how much I admire her and her hub for the phenomenal job of parenting they do.  I thought about the gift they were giving their child as they make sacrifices to ensure that he is equipped with the necessary tools for success in his education.  Giving their son a chance at a thriving learning experience.

Lebenschancen, German for life chances, a concept introduced by German sociologist Max Weber to looks at the opportunities individuals have to improve their quality of life. 

“The opportunities mean the extent to which one has access to resources, both tangible ones such as food, clothing and shelter, and intangible ones such as education and health care. Quality of life comprises the individual's ability to procure goods, have a career and obtain inner satisfaction; in other words, the ability to satisfy one's needs.” (Wikipedia)

These “resources” are related to the socialization-inherited norms, customs and ideologies we value pursue, relate to, understand people, places and things as a result of what we have been socialized to hold as priority.  I wasn’t raised with education as an important factor.  It was more important to be prepared for God’s wrath and Jesus’ return so more weight was on faith, spreading the gospel, giving to others, etc.  It wasn’t until I chose what I wanted to be important to me (by way of new socialization – new surroundings, opportunities, mentors, experience, and personal needs) that education, among other things, became a priority.

I don’t have any children, so I will not pretend to think I know what it's like.  But what I do have are my memories of childhood to reflect on.  I have always imagined that if I did have kids I would hope to prepare them for life in the best way I know how, as do most parents.  I have felt that I’m not ready to raise kids and opted not to have any yet.  (I know...you’re never ready right?)  I assume there are sacrifices and lifestyle changes that must be made with the child in mind until they are adults and on their own.  Life chances.  I love this term, a chance to have a LIFE.  Are we giving children the optimum life chances?  Are we teaching the value of education, communication skills, resiliency, decision-making, financial acumen, community activism or better yet to be their best SELF and not our clones?  Are we teaching them to be self efficient thinkers that can make great choices for their lives? Or are we demanding that they be who we want them to be?  Are we just surviving teaching our kids to survive but not thrive?  Is that what we were taught?  Is that the extent to what socialization has taught us? 

Even as adults, who are free to make our own decisions, are we evaluating our values through the eyes of adulthood or just robotically living out what we were taught? I know adult kids, including myself, who at times struggle with making adult decisions in fear of what parents and extended family, friends etc will think.  We don’t want to hurt our loved ones but are we simultaneously hurting ourselves when we hide and smother our personal values and desires? I would never even imagine trading what I learned from my family about being a person of hope, giving, honesty, love and family but there are things that I’ve have decided are not as important to me as they were to my parents.  I have equally learned new things that are important to me that I never knew about before gaining my own life experiences.

As adults: Are we using our power to choose to increase our life chances? 

As adults reflecting on our childhood: Are we equipping children in our care with the best we have to offer and allowing them to use their power to choose to be the best at what they want? 

As adults with adult children: Are we accepting our children as they make their own choices and explore opportunities for life chances?

Just a few thoughts...

I Adore: BETHENNY FRANKEL

If you follow Bravo's Housewives franchise you've probably seen the Real Housewives of New York City and met Bethenny Frankel.  Although not a wife at the time, she was my favorite cast member on the show.  A single girl, trying to build her business, find love and befriend the wives.  She was hilarious, honest, to the point, fabulous, edgy, smart and came with a buncha baggage, and that's what won me over.  Although she was quite high strung and neurotic, she seemed like a real person.  Obviously she won others too, including Jason Hoppy (her boo), because she got her own show called Bethany Getting Married.  It followed her while she planned a wedding, honeymooned, all while pregnant.  But it didn't stop there. She got another show, Bethenny Ever After, and it's still going strong.  It gives a super invasive look into her life; marriage, motherhood, business and healing her past wounds.  She's ridiculously honest and I admire that about her.  My friend and I went to see her when she came to Atlanta on tour. For what?  Well, she's also authored books, is a healthy food chef, has a Skinnygirl Margarita and brand that has much more on the way.   She sat on stage and talked for a little more than an hour and wrapped it up with Q&A.  It was a great event.  She was inspiring, funny and beautiful.  She talked about her struggles with her family, diet, the Housewives and shared how she deals with and overcomes all of it.   

Why I dig her?

(As if what I've said already isn't enough.) She was the underdog on the show.  The outsider to this group of NY women with their husbands, children and "success".  But not anymore.  She sold Skinnygirl Margarita to a major liquor distributor, who initially ignored her when she first started with the idea, for an insane $100 million!! Talk about  TAKE DAT!!  I dig her because she didn't quit and she kept believing in herself.  Love showed up (in a wonderful man, a babygirl and extended family), and wealth showed up by her digging in and focusing on what she believed in;  an idea.  She made choices on her own terms....and life opened up.  She's a testament to what hard work and perseverance can bring.  Way to go Bethenny!!

Check out a recent article about her at Forbes.com. 

Race For The Cure

Today, May 7, 2011, I participated in the 2011 Komen Atlanta Race for the Cure.  It was my first time in any cancer related event since my sister passed.  I think, no I'm pretty sure I had been avoiding it.  As I drove up to park I felt nervous and little nauseous.  I got my number, and wrote my sister's name on the pink flyer to pin it on my back.  As I ran I thought of her and others that have fought and lost or fought and won the fight with breast cancer.  

It was an emotional run (and walk).  I read the names of others pinned to my fellow racers backs, and watched a few women who had lost their hair to chemo but were there with smiles on their faces.  Part of me felt angry because my sister didn't make it.  She lost her fight.  But then I'd feel happy for those still here.  I was torn.  But during the last few minutes tears filled my eyes and I was reminded that I don't have to hold up the world with my good deeds and prayers nor can I destroy it with mistakes.  Life happens to us all and we have to deal with what comes our way.  I chose to enjoy the moment, celebrating with others and remembering my sissie and the time I had with her.  It was a great morning....faced a fear....and overcame.  

Camping

So I've diligently been chopping away at my "things to do before I die"....or before I have kids or before I get married lists.  It sorta depends on the item as to which list it belongs to.  Anyway, camping was on my list.  Was because I finally went a couple of weeks ago.  I didn't participate in Brownies or Girl Scouts when I was a kid so camping wasn't even on my radar.  But as an adult I've grown to love the outdoors....it's BEAUTIFUL!  

So as a requirement for school I had to take a activity PE course and I chose PHED 1087 - Survival Skills.....which included camping!  I was super excited about my brief stay at Raven Cliffs in Cleveland, GA.  Along with the camping we hiked to the falls and I loved every bit of it.  I made new friends and learned a whole bunch!  FUN FUN FUN!

Enjoying life....making the most of every opportunity!

My Girls!

Just wrapped up another 9-week session for Girls Inc.  This time I worked with a group of 5th graders that participated last year for a different program.  I'm in love with them!! It was so cool to come back and see their growth.  They remembered a lot of what we discussed last year and it made this segment much easier to facilitate.  They are sponges, soaking it all up!

Sometimes I think I learn more from them than they did from me.  Kids are the greatest teachers!! 

But here are a few tidbits I wanted to share with parents/guardians (most of which you already know...I hope):

• They know more (or are at least curious) about more than you think.
• They talk to non-parents about stuff they think they're parents will disapprove of.
• Boys, sex, periods, bras, homosexuality are top subjects of interest.
• Your adult issues causes them great stress, yes "STRESS" is the word they used (parents fighting, jail, financial struggles, moving, divorce, death, more kids added to the family etc)

I urge parents/guardians to talk openly about these subjects.  Begin as early as possible because kids are TALKING and CURIOUS! (Not that they are actually doing anything.) Take away the taboo and fear. Equip them as needed so that the real world isn't such a shock to them.  Regardless of how much we hope to protect them they WILL encounter these subjects.  Better that they are EMPOWERED!

Boundaries by Henry Cloud and John Townsend

Looking for information on gaining control in your life without trying to control others??  Here's a great resource!!

I must say this first: It's no secret that I was a religious fanatic for a myriad of reasons of which I plan to write more about  in detail pretty soon.  That extreme belief system led me down a path of rigidity, control, rules and coldness.  I was so focused on the supposed godly "rights" and "wrongs" that I often missed out on fun, intimacy, connection and simple love.  I've since left that world behind.

But as I first began to come out of that mindset I started to read everything I could get my hands on,beginning with Christian authors I could identify with. Boundaries was one of those books that I studied, not just read.  It's dog-eared, highlighted and inked like nobody's business.  It felt like a kind friend was teaching me how to maintain my personal values while learning to love others who thought differently.  It put an end to me trying to convert and change everybody.  What I truly valued became much simpler (less rules).  I became a more authentic person, with  the ability to love others in their authenticity. 

SIDE NOTE: Although the authors are both clinical psychologists, they do use biblical references.  For that reason I highly recommend it for those that are caught between what they feel "God says" and the obvious, undeniable, can no longer ignore or pray away, BLARING failures they see in their lives and relationships.  Those that are secretly asking the forbidden question, "I'm doing the Word, God, why isn't it working?"  This book really helps bridge the gaps.

Kashi: Lean Machine Crunch Factor

Love this stuff!

Kashi Go Lean Original has been my breakfast/snack choice lately.  Dry, no milk.  It serves two purposes:

1. It's LEAN and packed with goodies, especially PROTEIN (13g) which I'm always looking for.

2. It satisfies my need for CRUNCH!  Instead of popcorn, my other snack favorite, and the evil POTATO CHIP, I pull out a zip baggie to munch on.

YUM!