Sade

The year was 1985. My middle school best friend, her sisters and me were waiting to see the #1 video on the countdown.  Then it was announced and the music began to play "no need to ask...he's a smooth operator..." We responded with a unified disappointed “Aw man!!!”.  I’m sure we were hoping to see Ready For The World or New Edition but nope, it was Sade. I think we watched for a few seconds and then headed out to the movie theater across the street from my friend’s neighborhood.

I didn’t appreciate that sort of music back then.  I mean I was a kid.  But fast-forward to 2011 as Helen Folasade Adu, the woman we know as Sade appears coming up from the ground at Philips Arena in Atlanta, lights low, with a slow stroll, the snare drum click-clacking clear as ever, as she sings “I’ve lost the use of my heart but I’m still alive…” I think, no I know, I had tears in my eyes.  Having gained experience, loved and loss, I now understand what she means.

This concert was the best I have ever been to.  It was emotionally moving, visually eye catching, musically OFF THE CHARTS, nostalgic as she sang songs that I have grown with and she looked AMAZING.  She was beautiful and ridiculously sexy although fully clothed; something music often lacks nowadays.  She sometimes wore an Audrey Hepburn inspired black top, ankle pants and flats, to a Irene Cara (via Sparkle) off-white gown with a hot pink peek-a-boo bra with bare feet and she closed the show in a candy apple red long sleeve dress. She oozed love, emotion, freshness, depth, pain and healing.  If you haven’t seen her live, please do.  This chick…I dig!

Check out this video from the concert.....she's SMOKIN'!!!

Who Started It? Who Ends It?

Pic from seriouslywhyallthedrama.blogspot.com

Honey and I enjoyed a beautiful walk at the park the other day with one of my girlfriends.  We did our typical catch up chitchat and like usual we ended up discussing change and growth in our lives.  I was throwing around thoughts about being treated well by the people in my life and treating those beautiful people just as well (to the best of my ability); a stark contrast from some of the bad relationships of my past.  She chimed in on her experiences too.  We went back and forth about the consistent treatment we receive from various people, the good and the bad. Then we pondered, "Why do people treat us the same way repeatedly? Do we cosign and reinforce the behavior even when we don’t want it?”  A Pastor I know use to say something like "You get two chances with me: 1) to make a mistake or bad decision regarding how you treat me and 2) do it again and that's the last chance you get.”

So what happens when we find ourselves in a sick cycle of drama complete with futile arguments, disrespectful communication, ugly cry tears, headaches and depression?  Who started it? Better yet how do we stop it?

Well, my friend I concluded that it’s up to us to take a long hard look at our actions. Decide what we really want for our lives and make choices to create the desired good.  We have to set boundaries and limits on how we treat others and the treatment we allow from others toward us.  If it’s good and wanted then we reciprocate, show gratitude, and love.  But if we don’t want it then say so, cut it off early on (or right now even if it’s been going on for years), white knuckle it and stick to your guns.  Not sure who coined the phrase “you teach people how to treat you” but I agree 100%.  But before we can teach anyone else, we have to teach ourselves to be good to SELF.  Once you get use to peace, love, support, respect, laughter, kindness, and goal oriented compromise, the foolish masochistic routines look less and less desirable.  Regardless of the nagging memoires of “sometimes we had fun” or the blindly faithful “maybe things can be different if I <insert whatever actions you’ll have to continue to keep mean people happy and satisfied>”. Remember my post about choosing what to feel?  This is where you have to focus on what you want more than the feelings that often make us weak and fall back into the drama.

Wait…I’m not saying people can’t change.  I am a believer in change.  But I do believe people have to want it for themselves.  And I believe that people can only change themselves.  No magic tricks. No spells and potions.  Just good old fashioned resolve to have a GOOD life!

I Have Found My Balance by TKB

Recently one of my friends shared an enlightening experience with me about choice power, self-awareness and growth.  I loved it so much that I wanted to share it with you!  Check it out:

Photo from The Parks Place

Earlier this year, I decided to take a break from drinking.  If I had to put a title on it, I would consider myself a "social" drinker. One can expect to see me with a glass at a party, an after-work function, restaurant, a Girl's Night Out and my monthly Happy Hours with friends.  Even at home I was known to have the occasional glass of vino or when I felt like being grand, a glass of champagne.  I wouldn't classify myself as an alcoholic because I truly enjoy the flavor and taste of wine, a good Mojito (thanks to my friend who I call the Mojito Master) and an ice cold beer every now and then.  For a long time I convinced myself that I was born in the wrong country.  If I were a European this would be no big deal in the least bit. But I let my mind and thoughts get the best of me and I started to wonder, do I depend on alcohol too much?  

The fact that the question even popped up in my head was reason enough for me to want to explore it more.  Because I decided to approach this year being all about "finding the balance", I thought this feat would prove to be a good one.  I set out to go 21 days without alcohol and then decided if I could do 21 I could do 40 and then I added on 5 days for good measure.  My 45 day stint, which is what I like to call it, was full of emotion and I learned a lot about myself and to me that is always a good thing.  This personal detox allowed me to really take a cold hard look at myself and how I handle situations without the crutch of being able to have a drink to relax me, mellow out, or calm down.  What I was left with were my true raw emotions untainted and ready to be dealt with whether I wanted to or not because there was no escape. 

The first thing I noticed was when things bothered me, whether at work or home, I didn't have the option to pour myself a glass of wine to relax and figure things out; it was either deal with it now or take a moment to assess the situation and then respond. Some situations proved to be more difficult than others but I got through it. Like any fast or detox, the beginning is the hardest and for me it lasted about two weeks.  I was retraining myself to just be, to think, assess and react rather than what I use do: think, have a glass of wine, assess and react. Another challenge for me was handling my social calendar.  Events didn't stop just because I was doing this.  There were still dinner invitations, parties, happy hour requests, wine tastings and the like to constantly try to shake my plight. And again, it was difficult especially after sharing the news of my alcohol detox my friends immediately wanted to know "What wrong with you?" or the question I found the most humor in, "Why in the world would you give up drinking?" These were followed by comments like "Better you than me", or "I could never do that."   However, I’m happy to say that I didn't succumb to the pressure. Suddenly I was proud of myself for creating a goal, and sticking with it.  My inner-being wanted to complete this self assigned task no matter what was thrown my way.  And what started out as a painful journey ended on a high.  Here’s what I got out of it:

• I know it's cliché but you can truly do ANYTHING you set your mind to.
• Self-evaluation and reflection is good and needed for growth and development.
• Battling your thoughts, emotions, and the day-to-day challenges will never be easy but it can be done.
• People will always have something to say when you are doing something different, don't let it shake you!
• On the other side of your challenge you will be a different person, embrace it.

With any new adventure or challenge, in some way shape or form, the experience will change who you are as person or at least it did for me.  While I still enjoy alcoholic beverages, I no longer use them as crutch.  When I have a glass of wine or a cocktail it's because I truly want to.  I am not trying to escape a situation, a thought, or an uncomfortable moment.  I am no longer hesitant to deal with my raw emotions and work through.  I have found my balance.

A Beautiful Mess

One of my favorite persons on the planet gave me the most unreal compliment the other day.  She sent a text asking “Have you ever sat and thought about how near perfect you are?”  Of course I laughed hysterically and responded with “You’re crazy!” We went back and forth a bit as I went on and on about the world and its ideal version of beauty and I just try to make the most out of the cards I’ve been dealt.  She lovingly ignored my response and listed several attributes that she sees in me from intellect to wit, from physical appearance to caring and sensitivity, from adventurous nature and sense of style, hair and skin...  She laid it on pretty thick and I almost wondered who she was talking about.  It was a long list and I’m too embarrassed to share it all verbatim.  But I blushed from ear to ear.  Laughing again I told her I found it funny sense I feel crazy most of the time.  She said “We all are….but you are a BEAUTIFUL MESS.”  I was at the DMV while having this text convo so I couldn’t cry like I wanted to, being the total mushy waterhead I am.  But I loved the thought of that…A BEAUTIFUL MESS.  Even with all that I see happening in the world, in the lives of my friends and family, coworkers and strangers, the good and bad, the misfortunes and the blessings, I see immense beauty that often leaves me in awe.  Human beings never cease to amaze me.  One minute we’re at war in foreign lands and in our homes but the next minute we’re holding each other and celebrating the smallest things.  A beautiful mess….yes, we are.

But to my Tina, who I hope and pray sees in yourself even half of what I see in you,

You my dear are unbelievably MAGNIFICENT.  From your long legs that go on for days to your humongous eyes that spark life in me whenever I see you.  Your smile beams. Your laughter is infectious and addictive.  Your sensitivity and care makes me feel safe and loved and supported.  I love that I can be myself around you without any apprehension or fear of judgment.  You reminded me of my worth when I forgot.  The grace in which you walk in enables you to take people in not just to your home but to your heart is nothing short of heavenly.  Your “fortitude” present today and apparent to me all of our lives wows me and reminds me that I can make stuff happen for myself.  You taught me that working hard for what I want is not only possible but a MUST.  Your hugs are what I look forward to whenever I see you.  My cousin, more like a sister….you are my heart.  I love you.  And hey, have you ever sat and thought about how near perfect you are?  Because I have.

This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine...

Honey and I went to the park earlier this week for our typical after work exercise routine.  While settling into a nice pace I notice a mutt doggie, as red as Honey, and his mom-owner having a disagreement.  She wanted to keep walking but the doggie stopped and sat in the grass.  She was actually lifting him up by his torso trying to get him to keep moving.  I thought it was hilarious and figured the dog was just tired and hot.   But as Honey and I got closer the handsome fellow locked his eyes on my Honey and instantly popped up.  He started to sniff and Honey did her usual brief sniff and kiss that she gives to dogs she likes.  However, she didn’t linger and soon looked at me like "Ok, Mommy, let's go."  But the new dog was following us and moving excitedly so Honey turned to give the smitten pup a few more kisses.  The owner explained that he was a rescue and other dogs freaked him out so bad that he would tuck his tail and just sit down.  This was his expression of fear; complete collapse.  After seeing her dog’s response to Honey she was surprised.  “He must like her”, she said.  I thought it was the sweetest thing.  Honey’s magic seems to work on people and dogs and my heart melted watching the puppy (twice her size) spring up and play. My Honey’s cheerful and easygoing disposition offered safety and calm to a strange dog that was use to trauma and fear. Awwww…everybody falls in love with my sweet baby girl. <Insert proud doggie-mom smile here> 

Inspired I pondered the moments we humans have, however brief and random, to cross paths with someone that gives us hope, offers a needed perspective and shares love without expectation simply by being who they are.  I’ve experienced countless moments like these while shopping, dining out, via books and lectures and from my most appreciated family and friends that love and support me.  Just when things look so dark and stagnant Love shows up and sparks a fire in me to get up and LIVE; not just survive but to really LIVE.  I’m thankful.  I sincerely hope and pray that I offer the same to others.

The moral to the story: Give love and light just by being present and aware of your fellow sojourners.  It doesn't take much.  Acknowledge each other with a smile, a compliment, and a “thanks”; be empathetic, supportive and kind.  There’s a connectedness we share as living beings and we need each other.  Don’t hold back the LOVE!  

The Best Year of Your Life: Dream It, Plan It, Live It by Debbie Ford

Love love love this book!! 

Simple. To the point. Challenging. 

What got me to even thumb through the book was the "Plan It" part of the title.  Sure I have dreams that I would love to live, don't we all?  So make it happen...have a plan not just some jack-and-the-beanstalk hope based on fantasy.  A great life takes WORK (beginning within ourselves) to see it happen. 

Debbie Ford walks you through realizing your hearts intent, exposing fantasies so that you can actually live in REALITY.  I promise it's worth the penny (in my opinion). 

Still not convinced? Here's a great interview you can check out before buying the book. 

"In any given moment you’re guided by one of two maps — a vision map, which is a deliberate plan for your future, or a default map,which is made up of your past." - Debbie Ford 

Learn. Grow. Live.

"Lebenschancen" - Life Chances

I had lunch with one of my girlfriends yesterday and she was updating me on her family happenings.  She and her hubby have recently made the decision to send their son to a private school to ensure his education was the best for his individual learning and assist him in getting over a few humps learning in his primary years.  The tuition will cost them a pretty penny too, so they are making changes to their spending to fit it in.  I sat there listening and thinking how much I admire her and her hub for the phenomenal job of parenting they do.  I thought about the gift they were giving their child as they make sacrifices to ensure that he is equipped with the necessary tools for success in his education.  Giving their son a chance at a thriving learning experience.

Lebenschancen, German for life chances, a concept introduced by German sociologist Max Weber to looks at the opportunities individuals have to improve their quality of life. 

“The opportunities mean the extent to which one has access to resources, both tangible ones such as food, clothing and shelter, and intangible ones such as education and health care. Quality of life comprises the individual's ability to procure goods, have a career and obtain inner satisfaction; in other words, the ability to satisfy one's needs.” (Wikipedia)

These “resources” are related to the socialization-inherited norms, customs and ideologies we value pursue, relate to, understand people, places and things as a result of what we have been socialized to hold as priority.  I wasn’t raised with education as an important factor.  It was more important to be prepared for God’s wrath and Jesus’ return so more weight was on faith, spreading the gospel, giving to others, etc.  It wasn’t until I chose what I wanted to be important to me (by way of new socialization – new surroundings, opportunities, mentors, experience, and personal needs) that education, among other things, became a priority.

I don’t have any children, so I will not pretend to think I know what it's like.  But what I do have are my memories of childhood to reflect on.  I have always imagined that if I did have kids I would hope to prepare them for life in the best way I know how, as do most parents.  I have felt that I’m not ready to raise kids and opted not to have any yet.  (I know...you’re never ready right?)  I assume there are sacrifices and lifestyle changes that must be made with the child in mind until they are adults and on their own.  Life chances.  I love this term, a chance to have a LIFE.  Are we giving children the optimum life chances?  Are we teaching the value of education, communication skills, resiliency, decision-making, financial acumen, community activism or better yet to be their best SELF and not our clones?  Are we teaching them to be self efficient thinkers that can make great choices for their lives? Or are we demanding that they be who we want them to be?  Are we just surviving teaching our kids to survive but not thrive?  Is that what we were taught?  Is that the extent to what socialization has taught us? 

Even as adults, who are free to make our own decisions, are we evaluating our values through the eyes of adulthood or just robotically living out what we were taught? I know adult kids, including myself, who at times struggle with making adult decisions in fear of what parents and extended family, friends etc will think.  We don’t want to hurt our loved ones but are we simultaneously hurting ourselves when we hide and smother our personal values and desires? I would never even imagine trading what I learned from my family about being a person of hope, giving, honesty, love and family but there are things that I’ve have decided are not as important to me as they were to my parents.  I have equally learned new things that are important to me that I never knew about before gaining my own life experiences.

As adults: Are we using our power to choose to increase our life chances? 

As adults reflecting on our childhood: Are we equipping children in our care with the best we have to offer and allowing them to use their power to choose to be the best at what they want? 

As adults with adult children: Are we accepting our children as they make their own choices and explore opportunities for life chances?

Just a few thoughts...

I Adore: BETHENNY FRANKEL

If you follow Bravo's Housewives franchise you've probably seen the Real Housewives of New York City and met Bethenny Frankel.  Although not a wife at the time, she was my favorite cast member on the show.  A single girl, trying to build her business, find love and befriend the wives.  She was hilarious, honest, to the point, fabulous, edgy, smart and came with a buncha baggage, and that's what won me over.  Although she was quite high strung and neurotic, she seemed like a real person.  Obviously she won others too, including Jason Hoppy (her boo), because she got her own show called Bethany Getting Married.  It followed her while she planned a wedding, honeymooned, all while pregnant.  But it didn't stop there. She got another show, Bethenny Ever After, and it's still going strong.  It gives a super invasive look into her life; marriage, motherhood, business and healing her past wounds.  She's ridiculously honest and I admire that about her.  My friend and I went to see her when she came to Atlanta on tour. For what?  Well, she's also authored books, is a healthy food chef, has a Skinnygirl Margarita and brand that has much more on the way.   She sat on stage and talked for a little more than an hour and wrapped it up with Q&A.  It was a great event.  She was inspiring, funny and beautiful.  She talked about her struggles with her family, diet, the Housewives and shared how she deals with and overcomes all of it.   

Why I dig her?

(As if what I've said already isn't enough.) She was the underdog on the show.  The outsider to this group of NY women with their husbands, children and "success".  But not anymore.  She sold Skinnygirl Margarita to a major liquor distributor, who initially ignored her when she first started with the idea, for an insane $100 million!! Talk about  TAKE DAT!!  I dig her because she didn't quit and she kept believing in herself.  Love showed up (in a wonderful man, a babygirl and extended family), and wealth showed up by her digging in and focusing on what she believed in;  an idea.  She made choices on her own terms....and life opened up.  She's a testament to what hard work and perseverance can bring.  Way to go Bethenny!!

Check out a recent article about her at Forbes.com. 

Race For The Cure

Today, May 7, 2011, I participated in the 2011 Komen Atlanta Race for the Cure.  It was my first time in any cancer related event since my sister passed.  I think, no I'm pretty sure I had been avoiding it.  As I drove up to park I felt nervous and little nauseous.  I got my number, and wrote my sister's name on the pink flyer to pin it on my back.  As I ran I thought of her and others that have fought and lost or fought and won the fight with breast cancer.  

It was an emotional run (and walk).  I read the names of others pinned to my fellow racers backs, and watched a few women who had lost their hair to chemo but were there with smiles on their faces.  Part of me felt angry because my sister didn't make it.  She lost her fight.  But then I'd feel happy for those still here.  I was torn.  But during the last few minutes tears filled my eyes and I was reminded that I don't have to hold up the world with my good deeds and prayers nor can I destroy it with mistakes.  Life happens to us all and we have to deal with what comes our way.  I chose to enjoy the moment, celebrating with others and remembering my sissie and the time I had with her.  It was a great morning....faced a fear....and overcame.  

Camping

So I've diligently been chopping away at my "things to do before I die"....or before I have kids or before I get married lists.  It sorta depends on the item as to which list it belongs to.  Anyway, camping was on my list.  Was because I finally went a couple of weeks ago.  I didn't participate in Brownies or Girl Scouts when I was a kid so camping wasn't even on my radar.  But as an adult I've grown to love the outdoors....it's BEAUTIFUL!  

So as a requirement for school I had to take a activity PE course and I chose PHED 1087 - Survival Skills.....which included camping!  I was super excited about my brief stay at Raven Cliffs in Cleveland, GA.  Along with the camping we hiked to the falls and I loved every bit of it.  I made new friends and learned a whole bunch!  FUN FUN FUN!

Enjoying life....making the most of every opportunity!