Mini Vacay!

A few of my girlfriends and I went away for a long weekend to Destin, FL.  The weather was PERFECT! It wasn't that smoldering summer heat, nor the freezing beach breeze (until evening of course).  We laughed, danced, ate, sipped and slept! It was a great trip and an amazing way to say good-bye (for now) as one of our friends moves away this coming week. 

I left that weekend thankful for great friends, new and old, that have enriched my life in so many ways.  I'm grateful for the different perspectives, experiences, gifts and love that they each bring to my life.  I asked Love to help me maintain and expand an open mind and an accepting heart toward others because it continually fills me with compassion and empathy, and to be as much of a gift to my friends as they are to me.  Choosing to say YES to life, love, adventure and my personal truths rewards me immeasurably.  

There were many "lessons" revealed over the weekend but one message that stuck with me after chatting about our life experiences thus far is "I realize that I don't know anything...and I'm ok with that".

Cheers to LIFE and LIVING IT!!

Tofu Scramble-licious!

I LOVE tofu scramble, especially as a breakfast dish.  I accidentally came across a really simple recipe today and decided to make it for dinner.  I didn't have the yeast, lime and thyme.  But I did add zucchini, red and yellow peppers and fresh spinach at the end.  And although it was dinner, I made grits to eat with it. Yummy-yum!!

Check out the original recipe here: Tofu Scramble

It's Not Working

If people hear me say anything over and over again it’s “do something different”. Why? Because when we want something different but keep doing the same thing we’re use to doing, producing the same outcome, isn’t it obvious that we need to do something different? Mm, probably not so obvious. It’s hard to admit we are the cause of our own unhappiness or lack of success but much easier to blame someone or something else. The problem is we are the common denominator in a trail of broken relationships, health issues, financial woes and the like. Might as well face it, own it and confess “ok, I’m the problem here”.

Mistakes are normal, we’re human, and they come with the territory. It’s when we make the same mistakes over and over and over that gives us grief. To change we must be honest and insightful about who we are, what we are choosing to do and why. Yep, we choose it so that means we can choose something else, opening ourselves up to learning new skills, equipped with new tools and able to choose from new options.

I hate to see people give up on good and happiness in their lives as if it’s not for them. They settle into some existence of “this is the best I’ll ever have”. Often they’ve missed the possibility of happiness eluding them because they’ve maintained the same philosophies and behaviors that create dissatisfaction and unhappiness. Then they complain about how awful life is.

There are some things that I don’t get to cry about (sounds pretty harsh huh?). Mainly when I know I’m back into an old habit of behaving and choosing. Sure, it hurts when I get the old unwanted outcomes but I save my tears and complaints because I already knew what I was doing. On the other hand, I freely shed tears, grunt and sigh as I change. Change is hard and often very uncomfortable. But those tears are worth it!!

I can’t tell anyone exactly what needs to change, it’s a self work. But here’s a simple, to the point thought to help get you thinking:

“…believe in what works. What you are doing now is not working. Why not try something else?” – Dr Gordon Livingston

Hurry Up, I Don’t Have Time….for LIFE

“Only bad things happen quickly.”

I read that this morning in a treasure of a book titled Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart by Dr. Gordon Livingston. The quote rang true with me. When I look at the wonderful things in my life I can see the step by step process it took to get to those goods. Seeing and feeling the benefits of working out & healthy eating, the process of forgiving, building great relationships, saving money, gaining useful education, learning to trust myself and others, getting a new job, growing my hair out, growing strong healthy nails after wearing acrylic nails, house training my dog, changing bad habits and thinking; the list goes on and on and on. Each of these goods took patience, determination, fortitude, discipline, effort, a daily and often a minute by minute choice to stay on track.

However the unwanted things I’ve experienced in my life or the “bad” took only a moment like a misspoken word that led to hurting a friend, getting into frivolous debt (for shoes, a handbag, a trip, dinner with friends), breaking trust by making a bad decision, losing a job, death of a loved one, hitting the snooze button on my alarm clock setting my entire day back by 30 minutes. Short of a miracle, “only bad things happen quickly” but good and lasting things take time.

“It is obvious that any process directed at changing…our well-established patterns of thinking and behaving is going to be an extended one and will involve efforts at gaining insight, reevaluating habits, and trying new approaches.” – Dr. Livingston

More often than not we don’t see when our behaviors aren’t serving us well and even when we do, changing those behaviors is less than instant even when we really, really, really try. To require instant change of ourselves and others is to “discount the well-established power of habit and the slowness with which we translate new knowledge into behavior” says Dr. Livingston. Do you think life would be a more enjoyable journey if we accept this reality instead of fighting against the natural progression of things? I do.

Sometimes we look at others who are happy and successful and have some aspect of good that we want for ourselves and fail to see the effort it took for them to get there. We call them "lucky".  I don’t know any superhuman individuals so I’m willing to bet they put in the time and effort required to create change and success just as well.

Accept that desired change and growth requires we enter the slow cooker and not the microwave rush we often wish for. Knowing what we want, being honest with ourselves and others about where we are, recognizing the tools we have or don’t have needed to get to the new “us”, gaining education, practicing, making mistakes and trying again is all part of the process. So give yourself a break.....relax and simmer.

Coming Out

What’s on my mind today? Coming out of the closet. I know so many people who are living in the closet in some way; sexual orientation, religious affiliation or the lack thereof, financial integrity, eating habits, relationship status, pretending to be “ok”, ya know, life choices in general. We hide. We pretend. Why?

The most loving experience I’ve ever had is being accepted for I am.   Being able to share without the fear of rejection (spoken and silent rejection) and being loved and liked all the same. When my loved ones seek to understand and not convert. It’s a lot to ask and hope for but call me crazy, I choose to hope. Here’s the clincher, in my quest for this acceptance of and for myself and who I really am, my heart has expanded with room for others and their hidden lives.  To be known and to know others. 

Understanding what it feels like to hide makes me a more empathetic, compassionate and accepting person.  I look for ways to see the good in people. Understand their plight. I put myself in their shoes. I'm not talking about secret murders here, just life choices.  I try to see and feel from where others stand. Doesn’t mean I always agree but I can be kind, accepting and understanding.  Especially when I remember being a rigid, judgmental, critical, elitist, dogmatic, religious fanatic that thought "my group" had the key to life. It was pretty pompous actually. Not to mention the enormous amount of hypocrisy that existed within “my group”. I truly had no room to judge anyone, then or now.  I don't know anyone who owns the patent on  truth.

There’s something very humbling about accepting yourself and not hiding or playing the part and then extending that acceptance to others. Life changing. Not sure what you may be “in the closet” about but “…when you feel like you don’t have to hide anymore, life just seems to open up a bit.” You are blessed with “an opportunity to be completely honest.” (http://theagnosticpentecostal.com/)

Real Hope vs. False Hope

I’ve been sitting on this thought for some time now, but here we go: What is hope? What is false hope? Let’s start with a few definitions from Dictionary.com:

Hope: 

the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best; a particular instance of this feeling ; grounds for this feeling in a particular instance; a person or thing in which expectations are centered; to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence.

Speaking from my personal experiences with hope I use to think it came from an outside force. I read and clung to as truth; bible verses, and lived my life based on those words regardless of what my reality was. I was taught from an early age and even into adulthood that this was how hope worked. I confess, that way of living has cost me a lot of time, money, stress and heartbreak and I would do it over and over and over again, still hoping. (Quite silly actually.  Isn't that called insanity? Eeek!)  What I’ve since learned, after realizing what didn't work, is that my hope must be based on something tangible. No matter how much I desire something I must have, as the dictionary defines hope, “grounds for this feeling” or “to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence”. Otherwise it’s false, for me anyway. Here are a few examples of how I see false hope in contrast to real hope:

At the end of the day we all “hope” for good in our lives.  I believe it’s a great feeling to carry in one’s soul. Hope gives us that little nudge saying that it will be ok, don’t give up. Feelings of “hope can give you peace of mind, relieve stress, and provide you the positive outlook and motivation that can lead to helpful actions”. (1) Even when things look bleak and unchanging, we can base our hope in the fact that things have changed before and they can change again. Now all we have to do is TAKE ACTION.

“Maintain hope when there is some possibility of a good outcome. Take constructive and responsible action to improve your chances. Do not abdicate your responsibility for caution, skepticism, and action by submitting to unfounded optimism. Hope is helpful when it results in positive action, it is unhelpful if it inhibits action.”(1)

“Hope is tested when what if meets what is. Accurate assessment, sound judgment, constructive action, and personal responsibility mark the difference between real hope and false hope.”(1)

I saw myself get hung up on hoping for specific situations to work out the way I wanted, or people to change into what I hoped they could be or even what I could be. What a realistic view of hope has given me is the ability to hope BIGGER but realistically. Meaning, MY LIFE is ok even if this situation isn’t. MY LIFE is not over because this relationship or job is.  MY LIFE is amazing because I accept who I am and who people are instead of spinning my wheels trying to control everything.   

“Real hope combines a hopeful outlook with a firm grip on reality.” (1)

I don’t believe in magic. I do believe in miracles and welcome them into my life; however, I’d rather never need one. Especially when I’ve already been given life, mobility, a brain, education, family, friends, work, real hope, faith and a multitude of other resources to help me learn from my mistakes and make better choices in the future.

______________

Quotes

(1) Emotional Competency - Leland R. Beaumont

NOW!!

January 30, 2011

I woke up this morning moving pretty slowly. Mentally, I went through my to-do-list for the day and the amount of time needed to get the tedious things done plus meet appointments. Then the thought hit me, all I have is RIGHT NOW. Although I can do my best to influence tomorrow I can't predict the future, yesterday is gone, nothing I can do about that, but RIGHT NOW is mine for the taking. I could lie in bed a little longer, I could tell someone I love them, I could go to the gym or do laundry, I could write a bit or get some reading in. Options are limitless but time isn't. See, already, 3 minutes of my life have passed while writing and they are GONE!!! But I'm fulfilled in that I chose to use that time to think, write and share. I'm learning that I can have fewer "I should have" or "I wish I hadn't" when I live on purpose and do exactly what I want to do each day. Time is one of our most valuable commodities. Don't waste it.

Love, Give, Laugh, Connect, Learn and Live!!

You Can’t Help Who You Love…

Is that true? Does love really hit you over the head and voila, you’re in love with an absolute stranger, swept away with a 50/50 chance of it working out. But you have no say in how, when and with who it happened. Really? I’ve never subscribed to that line of thought. I don’t believe I can fall in love with anyone unless I spend time with them and open my heart to that possibility. Love being a major, well THE major need of human beings (next to food, shelter and security), do we leave it to chance?

In Dr. Gordon Livingston’s How To Love, he explains the importance of knowing who you are and what you have to offer as well as getting to know others and what they have to offer way before “falling in love”. Sure it doesn’t sound as romantic as the movie The Notebook but as a divorced person (who still believes in love and all of its wonders) I can tell you it’s worth going the extra mile.  Check out the opening of the book: 

Honestly, I don’t buy a pair of shoes without trying them on, walking around a bit, considering the price, the season and the potential opportunities of wear I would get out of them. Surely love deserves a more in depth method of rationale and interview process.  We have more choice in love than we admit to.  Let's use it!

Letter To Today (Tuesday, January 18, 2011)

Dear Tuesday,

I anticipated your long-awaited arrival after an impromptu winter vacation, thanks to the environment. I expected you to be a bit busy and preoccupied. I even prepared myself for an influx of noise interrupting the quiet time we usually spend together. I was ready for that. However, I did not think you would move so fast and place so many demands on me. Nor did I think you would offer such resistance with each task I attempted. Last minute meetings, computers freezing while presenting to my directors, ATMs inoperable while trying to snag a deal, lines lasting for hours during my one hour lunch only to have you ignore my needs for more time and fade away much too fast.

But I didn’t give up. Oh yes, you made it hard for me but I refused to let you go. You know what? I decided some time ago that everyday would be as good as I could make it. And I did. I chose to be courageous, happy, optimistic and creative, embracing every moment. I laughed at silly and awkward situations and caused others to laugh with me. So try as you might to sway me, I am HAPPY.  Besides, Wednesday is right around the corner wooing me....

“Of all the forms of courage, the ability to laugh is the most profoundly therapeutic” – Dr. Gordon Livingston

Life & Love Always,

S.H.

(A knock at the door…)

It’s 7:07pm, I’m winding down with my fuzzy slippers, dinner on the stove, a glass of wine in my very near future and now you want to snuggle up and spend some time together. Hmmmm…it’s ok, I understand. Come on Tuesday, let’s cuddle.

Snowed In...

It's day 12 in this new year and it has already been an adventure.  Looks likes 2011 will be quite a ride and I'm ready for it and every lesson made available to me!!!

Lesson 1:  Make the most of the moment!

We were hit with a snow storm in the south and of course everything shut down. We southerners aren't equipped to handle snow and ice like our northern counterparts so forgive us for being super cautious.  Several hours before the storm was forecasted to hit, a girlfriend and I decided to pay a visit to our dear friend who had recently had surgery.  The skies were clear so we thought it was ok to go to the other side of town with dessert, a crazy balloon, a meaningful card and love to bestow.  Of course we did the typical "when chicks get together" routine (talking, wine, snacking, laughing) and our visit lasted much longer than we planned.  Finally we decided to leave before the snow, that had begun to fall, got any heavier.  I kid you not when I tell you that we got about 4 miles away and could not see 10 feet in front of my car.  Cars were sliding, lanes were no longer visible and I was terrified.  So we turned around to go back to our friends home and wait it out.  Our "wait" turned into 2.5 days.

So here we are, stuck at my friend's home with plenty of opportunities to be annoyed, upset, irritated and impatient.  We could have complained, moaned and groaned (especially my friend who was post op and in a cast, with two dogs in tow and now two adults crashing her sofa).  But you know what happened?? WE HAD A BLAST!!  The time together proved to be easy, loving, silly, restful, playful, educational and just plain FUN!  We did allow each other to vent about the inconveniences but no one stayed in that emotional place.  We had an all out 2.5 days slumber party!  Complete with wine, strawberry shortcake, tortillas and cheese dip, coffee, belgium waffles for breakfast, web surfing, mushy movies, touching documentaries and silly events that we have sworn to secrecy! We made the most of the moment and enjoyed every minute of our time together.  As a result I've grown more in love with these beautiful spirited women and am grateful for their presence in my life.  *heart is full*

We can't always choose our circumstances but we can choose how to respond! xo