Baby Daddies

ME: Today we're gonna talk about choices.  Good ones, bad ones, ya know.  Everyday choices.

Mentee: Ok.

ME: Do you think the women living in this shelter made good choices or bad choices?

Mentee: Good.

ME: Do you think the choices made by the women living in this shelter put them here?

Mentee: No.

ME: How did they get here?

Mentee: God.

ME: God?

Mentee: Yes.  Sometimes God will put you in a bad place to help you.  And sometimes other people cause you to be here.

ME: So the women themselves had nothing to do with it?

Mentee: No.

ME: Ok.  Well let's talk about your life, your plans.  What do you want for yourself?

Mentee: Five babies by five different baby daddies.

ME: Let me say this, you can have what you want.  I'm not here to make you be or do anything you don’t want for yourself.  What I am here to do is to teach you about the power of choice.  So if "five babies by five different baby daddies" is what you want, we can make that happen.  Ready?

Mentee: ......

ME: With every choice you make, there's an outcome......

That was the beginning of a conversation I had with a 15 year old girl who was living with her mother and five younger brothers and sisters at a women's shelter.  I'm sharing it here to point out that My Choice is not designed to create robots.  It is not my desire to tell anyone what to do with their life.  Of course I have opinions, but they are just that, MY OPINIONS.  What I have based My Choice on is the power of choice we each possess and bringing awareness of this power to the forefront of everyone I work with.  

Of course, in the case of my mentee, there's no way would I want her to have five babies by five different baby daddies.  But I knew she was testing me.  I knew there were others before me that she gave hell, broke down and sent running.  To her they proved that the adults in her life were full of it.  She had been through a lot with little stability.  There were several women in that shelter with multiple babies with multiple daddies and those were her examples.  I’m not judging those women or her.  We all have our own path.  But what I did want for her was to learn that her life was in her hands.  She had two more years of high school and would be able to leave home and carve out a place in the world for herself.  With everything in me I wanted her to see she did have a say in her life, her happiness, her future.  I wanted her to know she had options that required new thoughts, new information, hard work, different perspectives and an open mind.  I wanted her to know she had power; power to choose something, anything.  And whether she acknowledged it or not, she was making a choice everyday and at some point those choices would add up and reveal HER LIFE.  I wanted her to see the power evident in every person’s life and wielded skillfully would create something intentional and beautiful to its subjects, understanding that beauty is relative to each individual. 

Although there have been many people in my life tell me what I should do, how I should think and believe, life has been my best teacher.  It has forced me to see.  With awareness I’ve seen what I knew and what I didn’t.  I’ve seen where I needed more education or information.  I’ve seen my strengths and weakness, habits and tendencies.  I’ve seen ME create my life.  And when I was first able to say I DID THIS, it humbled me.  And I harness that humility using it to continue to evolve.  I do believe in a higher power, the value of family and friends, mentorship and lifelong learning and I lean heavily on them all, I’m no island. 

“…divine power has given us everything we need for life…” (2 Peter 1:3 NIV Bible)

“…all men are created equal; that they are endowed by their Creator with inherent and inalienable rights; that among these, are life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness;” (U.S. Declaration of Independence)

These passages are just a couple writings that remind me of my power to choose.  The gift of choice we each have creates an outcome and ripples to the lives of those around us.  Am I the blueprint for others? No, I can only live my life.  But choice power is working in all of our lives.  Your life is the sum of your choices.

My Key!?!?!

Ok, so I went for a run after work yesterday.  Perfect weather, a goal in mind, music & headphones, and decided to just take my single spare key so I would not encumbered in any way....FOCUSED!  I feel good, nice pace, zoned out....then I think...where's my key??  I stopped and patted myself down. YIKES!! No key!  What???  So I back trace my route.  After the 4th time retracing my steps and calling my leasing office (who informed me that they don't provide any sort of lock out service) I think, "Great!!"    I called a friend who helped me look for my key...no key....called an overpriced locksmith...no thanks.  Decided to wait it out.  Hung out with a friend until my apartment's leasing office opened and voila!  I survived!

Choice Power Play by Play: 

Choice #1 - I made the choice to run with a single spare key.  

Consequence #1 - I lost my key and was locked out of my place.

Choice #2 - I opted to wait it out and save the $60 I would have spent on a locksmith. 

Consequence # 2 - Had no money, no I.D. and had to stay with a friend.

Now, here's the defining truth.  I CHOSE above all to be "OK".  Sure I made a silly mistake and was inconvenienced (and asked a friend to let me crash) but it was a perfect day all the same.  The old me (before I understood that I control my feelings and responses...not situations) would have been a loose cannon of frustration, belittling myself for being so irresponsible.

I tweeted yesterday "You are never without the power to choose."  Regardless of the situation, I had power and I FIRST used it to choose to be OK.  All the other choices I made were to think, research and come to a conclusion.  Imagine if I had wasted my evening being upset.  That's no fun. 

Life is great, I'm perfectly fine and Choice is Power!! (But next time I'll grab my key ring)

Wait? For What??

I was advised NOT to wait on certain letters after my name to pursue my goals and dreams for my life.  And I'm NOT.  I've had the privilege of meeting some of the most interesting people over the past three years.  People that are living their dreams; some planned and some just stumbled into it.  The consistent theme has been a "WHY NOT" mentality.  People who had a hunger for more and chose to move across the country, moved to another country, got out of bad relationships, allowed themselves to create healthy relationships, quit their jobs, went to school, quit school, changed their diet, changed their friends, learned something new.....  The list goes on and on.  They made choices that carved a new path for their lives.  

If you wait all your life for everything to be perfect you might be waiting a very long time.  Again, I believe in planning so that you don't purposely fail, go homeless and lose everything.  But I also believe in jumping.  There's something pretty extraordinary about taking a leap of faith.  And it's a powerful choice.  When your heart, values, talents and actions start to sing the same tune, the world seems to open up and offer opportunities, graces, gifts and lessons that help us become even more incredible!! (Because we already are incredible.) 

Let me add to that "life lessons" thought.  Failing is not the end of the world.  Often it's needed so that you can learn something.  But to wait and stall because you're afraid to fail is like failing already.  Do your best, plan but JUMP!!

We get one shot at this life....so whatcha waiting for???

The Blueprint

Whenever I start to feel the pull of laziness, giving up or the ever brilliant "Uggh...it's too hard!!", I dig deep in my heart and imagine the life I want all over again.  And if my heart feels a bit heavy then I pull out the list I made defining the life I’m planning, or the pictures I've collected of the places I will  travel to or the hope and encouragement my life's work will offer to others.  I sort of keep these things on tap for times of frustration to remind me of what I'm building.  

Choices are like the building materials needed to build the life you want with goals being the blueprint of the design.  Let's say you want to graduate from college with a 4.0. There's the blueprint.  Now, to build this 4.0 you need materials; discipline, time management, books and supplies, tutoring and or study groups.  The list goes on and on based on who you are and what you need.  And each of these materials requires a choice to be made.   Pick another blueprint; losing weight, advancing in your career, healthy relationships, saving money etc. 

“Your life is a direct result of your decisions or decisions made on your behalf.” – Unknown

I'm not sure who said that or if I heard it or read it but it's one of my favorite quotes regarding choices.  It reminds me of my personal power to create the life I want.  If I add up the choices I've made in my life they equal where I am today.  It's as simple as that.  Sure life throws some curve balls, but more often than not I can see a clear sum of choices that have created my life today, September 23, 2010.  And the beautiful thing about that is, I can create September 23, 2011 with a new set of choices if I so choose to.  It’s my life.  The only one I have to live.  Taking a hard honest look at personal responsibility and self-awareness, ending the blame game, owning my “yes” and my “no”, setting boundaries.  That’s power…choice power. 

"There's Nothing I Can Do. They Are In Control."

Some people feel as if they have no control over what happens in their lives.  They're waiting for some outside force or the powers that be (whoever they are) to decide what's next for them.  Living without choice is such a powerless existence.  Especially when each of us has been given the ability to think, learn, reason and choose for ourselves.  How does this happen?  Perhaps it's what we've experienced or what we've been taught without questioning or challenging those mindsets.   

The psychology term "Locus of Control", a concept developed by Julian B. Rotter, references the power each person believes they have over the events in their lives that effect them.  In a nutshell, a person with a high internal locus of control says "I believe I have a say in what happens to me by my own behavior and choices", while a person with a low internal locus of control says "I believe  outside forces, destiny, fate, or chance says what happens to me".  Studies show that people with a high internal locus of control have better self-control, are more active in change and are more influential.  They seek to learn and grow and prepare themselves for the life they desire.  A person with a low internal locus of control are often lacking in self motivation and wait for outside forces to decide what's next but seem to have a more easy-going attitude.  

Locus of Control (LOC)	The Thought in Theory	Pros	Cons	Balance
High Internal LOC (internal)	“I believe I have a say in what happens to me by my own choices.”	great leaders, achievement oriented, better paid jobs, self-determination	neurotic, anxious, unstable and depressed	Have a realistic sense of their circle of influence, gain education and competency to match the belief
Low Internal LOC (external)	“I believe outside forces, destiny, fate, or chance says what happens to me”	easy-going, relaxed, happy lives	Lack self motivation, other people are in control, “why try” mentality	Gain more self-determination, motivation.

Balance is KEY!  Although a high internal locus of control is often desired, it is important to remember that LIFE HAPPENS.  There are choices we can make that determines most of what happens in our lives but sometimes things do happen that are out of our control.  Taking a tip from a person with a low internal locus of control may help with being able to roll with the punches, trusting that a higher power is there to pick us up and then bounce back with the fierce resiliency and determination of a person with a high locus of control helps even out the bumps.  Either way, it all comes back to CHOICES.  You choose where you want to draw your strength to see the life you desire realized.

Test your locus of control.

____________________

References:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Locus_of_control

http://www.wilderdom.com/psychology/loc/LocusOfControlWhatIs.html

Three Years Is Coming!!

Have you ever put off something but because you know it's gonna take a long time to finish it?  I use to do that.  And honestly I'm sure I still do to some extent.  But  Dr. Henry Cloud made an excellent point in his book Nine Things You Simply Must Do: To Succeed in Love and Life.  He was talking to someone who wanted to go back to school for their MBA.  But the person thought it would take too long to finish (the long time to finish being three years).  Dr. Cloud simply said "three years is coming".  Ha!  Ok, I laugh at the simplest things sometimes.  And that statement cracked me up. So simple. So true.  His point as I understood it was that regardless of school, work, travel, savings account or whatever, in three years it will be THREE YEARS LATER.  The question he posed to his friend was "Where do you want to be in three years?" because three years is coming either way. 

Time stops for no one.  It  just keeps ticking along...tick...tock...tick...tock.  Although well intended and purposeful, no amount of wishing, praying, hoping and dreaming will get you tangible results.  The only difference between a person that has their MBA, a toned body, a full passport, a new house or happiness within three years (or however long) is that they choose to DO SOMETHING during those three years to get their desired result. 

So what are you doing?? Because three years is coming.  Might as well make it count and see your dreams realized.

Make Room: I'm Not Happy!!

I come from a pretty strict religious background where feelings were not readily expressed. Plus I'm a southern woman where appearances are very important. Put those two together and it's a dangerous mix of "pretending". One of my greatest lessons on the journey of choice power is allowing myself to feel and express those feelings.

Let me give you an example. From a religious perspective if I was angry about something or feeling sad, instead of allowing myself to feel and deal honestly with those feelings they were suppressed. Under the guise of prayer I was taught to "talk it away". Literally. I'd say something like "I bind depression and sadness. And loose happiness". I'd go on like that until.... I'm not sure how long. But it didn't work. Not for real. It masked and suppressed it for a while and whenever those feelings resurfaced I'd feel guilty and not "godly".

Here's what choice power showed me. I can be angry, sad, offended, hurt, etc because #1 Be Honest: I have experienced something that has touched a nerve and #2 My Choice: I choose my feelings and right now I feel (fill in the blank). And ya know what? Here's when miracles started to take place. Once I became honest and responsible I was able to deal with the root of the issue and resolve it. No more suppressing and pretending and guilt. In The Best Year of Your Life, author Debbie Ford writes,

"When you surrender and welcome any emotion that is present within you, something magical happens and suddenly it has the ability to pass through you."

How wonderfully true it is. No longer does in linger with you, but it's released and you can go on living.  Truth always has a way of bringing about FREEDOM (even if it hurts).

So my friend, MAKE ROOM for your anger, sadness, hurt or whatever the not so good feelings are that you choose so that you can choose to deal and move on!

Dinner Party

I was invited to a dinner party by one of my girlfriends last night in a beautiful home in the city.  Our hostess (2o years older than us who we'll call Madame) was warm, friendly, an amazing cook and her home was beyond beautiful, comfortable, interesting and inviting.  Including Madame, there were six of us, two of which were my friends, the others I met for the first time at the party.  After the formalities of hellos and introductions, we toured the home that looked as if it was straight out of the pages of some fabulous home decor magazine.  I took mental notes of colors, architecture, art pieces, placement and the overall feeling of the home in hopes to create a home that evokes some wonderful feeling when I'm hosting guests.

Eventually we gathered in the kitchen, enjoying wine and hors d'oeuvres while Madame finished cooking.  She stirred the pots while we giggled like school girls, relaxing and taking each other in.  Finally, time to eat.  We moved to the dining room, Madame prepared our plates, said a prayer and we dug in to a yummy Italian dinner.  I was trying not to eat too fast but the food was so good and because I had already heard Madame was a great cook the anticipation made me all the more hungry!!

This is where things turned.  Madame asked "Ladies, let's go around the table and share our passions.  Just  a little bit about what we are passionate about and why."  Darn it!! There goes that momentum.  What do I mean?  I'm a believer in the power of faith and energy.  And once we give attention to something opportunities to feed it even more become available.  Deepak Chopra said "Once you make a choice, you change the future."  Although I have been working on the My Choice program for some time now, I literally just started my blog yesterday and not 24 hours later I was being asked to talk about it.  Changing my future. For me it's like a kiss from God saying "keep walking".

I shared this to say to you to "keep walking" and stay open to opportunities.  We can have a fulfilling  and adventurous life if we choose to even at an unassuming dinner party with friends.  Make a choice to give attention to the things that add to your happiness, joy and peace.  Whether it's, as pointed out by the women at dinner, making more money, traveling, a new resume, two-minute prayers in the morning, animals or becoming more in tune with your spiritual self.   Make a choice.  Change your future.