How To Love by Dr. Gordon Livingston

In "How To Love", Dr. Gordon Livingston digs deep and challenges readers to assess their choices in how and whom to love, placing the responsibiltiy of succesful or failed relationships on the individual choosing to love.

It begins with "first deserve, then desire", a thought that requires each of us who wants to love to first be lovable.  It's an easy yet gut wrenching read when you realize that the immature, anxiety prone "jerk" in the relationship just might be YOU.  But it also comforts the broken-hearted while teaching the newly loving person that it's ok to love all the way.  By pointing out the less desireable personalities traits to avoid and the personality traits to look for when choosing whom we will love, loving well looks within reach.

You can skim through "How To Love" on Google Books.

My Favorite Birthday Present....

photo from genii-cupcakes.co.uk

I just celebrated a birthday and I couldn't really think of any tangible gifts I wanted (and that made sense in my practical mind) besides a popcorn popper and couple of things for my place; so I bought them myself.  I did however, plan brunch and a movie with a few girlfriends that turned out to be a super sweet, intimate and relaxing afternoon.

But while alone in my thoughts, I smiled because the best birthday present I experienced was HAPPINESS.  Happiness and Freedom.  I've written before about the pressure I use to feel to be what people, deep-rooted beliefs, and social expectations were requiring of me.  I never felt free to make my own choices based solely on what I wanted, to learn with an open mind, and to explore without fear.  Not sure I even thought it was an option.  As a matter of fact, I didn't know I wasn't free, I just knew I wasn't happy; waiting on some divine intervention to MAKE things better.  The past 10 years have been unbelievable (good and not so good), but the past year has been AMAZING!!  I admitted so many things to myself; defined my own ever evolving truths, desires, beliefs; no longer suppressed by what I was "suppose" to accept as truth, to want, to believe and to think.  I also became more confident in expressing my truths risking relationships with my family, friends and coworkers.  I didn't take on this challenge with a chip on my shoulder or to prove anything to anyone else.  I pushed myself so that I could see my choice in action.  I wanted a say in my life.  I wanted to see my life, my heart, my mind become peaceful, to see my intentional choices create what I want for myself.  And I've seen it happen.  To be happy.  To have great relationships.  To be financially stable.  To be intellectually stimulated.  To be physically strong.  To simply own my consequences and outcomes and to make adjustments as necessary and as I am ready to.  To exercise a confident resilency when on the down slopes of life and remain hopeful.  To constanly be aware that no one was gonna do what I needed to do for myself. It's not that any of this wasn't possible before, but I was stuck thinking there was only one way to live; waiting for a miracle.  The only miracle I've witnessed with results is the miracle of CHOICE and it is powerful.   

Sweet Potato Breakfast: 2 Way Experiment

I had a few sweet potatoes in the fridge and wanted to have some for breakfast. But I'd didn't want sweet potato pancakes nor baked sweet potatoes. So I tried a couple of things: Savory & Sweet!

Ingredients:
1 large peeled and grated sweet potato (only a portion shown here)
1 quarter grated red onion
1 grated Gala apple
Salt
Pepper
Cinnamon
Honey
Olive Oil



Savory:
Heated olive oil in a pan
Added half of the grated sweet potato and all of the red onion
Seasoned with salt and pepper
I sorta scrambled in the pan for a minute or so and then formed 3 patties, pressing with spatula.

After it cooked for about 3 minutes on one side I turned over for another 2 min.

Voila!! Done!!

And it was absolutely YUM!!!!!!!!

Sweet:
Heated olive oil in a pan
Added half of the grated sweet potato and all of the apple
Seasoned with cinnamon and honey
I scrambled in the pan for a minute until tender. (I couldn't get the patty shape to take because of the juice of the apple....I think.)

So I served it loosely scrambled. It was good but could have been better. Perhaps I'll try to bake the "Sweet" and add granola and raisins next time.

Score:
Sweet 2 Yums!!
Savory 5 Yums!!!!!

I Wish I Never Knew Religious Beliefs

Photo from www.smileconstantly.wordpress.com

I still make wishes every now and then, perhaps the kid in me would like life to be that easy.  Blow out a few candles or dandelions, throw a penny in a well, close my eyes immediately after seeing a shooting star then make a wish.  And no doubt I've had a few come true, not without my own effort, planning and hard work of course.  But the wish to know life without Christian Fundamentalism is one that I will never experience.  I was raised that way and had spent 30 plus years believing it, even though I didn't always try to live it.  But why would I wish I never knew it? So I could know what it's like to live life without the lingering thoughts of God, Christ, Satan, hell, sin, submission, backsliding, repentance, church on Sundays, bible study, tithing, equally yoked, prayer, fasting, blessings, curses, and seeking God for His will before I make decisions etc.   

I can't emphatically say that I believe the basic tenements of Christianity and it seems hypocritical to me to say I am a Christian. But admitting it came with a boat load of fear. Fear of being struck down, killed and sent straight to hell, judged and labeled a backslider, losing relationships with my Christian family and friends, and ending up on everybody's prayer list for God to call me back to the fold.  As hard as it was to deal with those fears (some I saw painfully realized), I never could have imagined the mental battle I would face while learning to live a normal life without Christianity.  I had no idea that it would even be an issue.  Here are a few examples:

1. Having dinner and wanting to just eat but feeling like I should say grace especially when with believers.

2. Getting paid, not giving any money to God via a church and being OK with that decision.

2. Dating and learning that religious beliefs pose a serious issue, even for me.

3. The responsibility that comes with owning my life choices and the outcomes produced vs. thanking God for the good while rebuking the devil for the bad.

4. The anxiety experienced when asked "What church do you go to?" and having to respond with "I don't."

5. Wondering if good will happen in my life without professing Jesus as my Lord and Savior.

6. Not saying "Thank you Lord" when good does happen and looking around for curses to appear in my life because of my lack of acknowledgment.

7. Questions about the afterlife that can never be answered until I experience it.

8. When my non-belief is exposed, people say it's because I was mistreated by clergy, or hurt that God didn't save my marriage or heal my sister of stage four cancer.

I could go on and on with this list, most of which says more about my perceptions and new thoughts  bumping up against my old fundamentalism.  I really shouldn't care as much as I have since my reasons for not believing have to do with facts and historical discrepancies that would make this post even longer than intended (maybe I'll share some of it later). But while owning my new thoughts I'd often have knee jerk responses to life and then think "Wait, why am I doing this?"  My friend and I call it residue; a left over film of fear induced beliefs still clinging to areas of my mind.

Now, don't get me wrong I'm not rude.  My father is a preacher, my mother a devout woman of prayer, my brother a minister in the area of music and an even longer list of religious family members with various titles.  With all of these family dynamics, I would be inhumane to disrespect my loved ones.  Just because I've changed doesn't mean others have or will.  And I could very well change again.  So I pause as grace is said, visit my father's church and actually pay attention listening to learn something, accept that people have different beliefs, don't stir up any unnecessary issues in a group of believers, give to organizations that help those in need, and still express gratitude for the ability to live and enjoy a good life.  

But after making new friends who are less rigid Christians, or friends who are spiritual and open to many different thoughts, or agnostics who admit they aren't sure either way, I've been shown a different spirituality that still celebrates love, giving, family, hope and faith without fear.  But the most intriguing conversations have been with atheists who have NEVER known religion.  Nothing pushes them toward it or from it.  No mental hurdles to get over, no battles with God's approval or disapproval.  Just...........living.  And they still celebrate love, giving, family, hope but no faith.  They are free to think for themselves and make decisions without cognitive dissonance with their eternity hanging in the balance.  No spiritual attributions made to explain life's ups and downs. They seem to look at life with rational thinking, scientific facts and proven theories.  No asking God to "help my unbelief", they just don't believe.   I'm not claiming one is better than the other especially since wonderful things and awful things happen on both sides.  People need different things to make sense of life and it's not my intent to determine truth for anybody else.  To each his own.  I just wonder what that would be like.  I wish I could know, if even in a dream.

His Love

His scent
It haunts me
My dreams
I rush to sleep

His smile
His lips
Made for me
I open to kiss


His arms
Strong...sure
Finally here
I let go

His words
The story he tells
Of me of him of us
I lean in to listen

His love is
My love

             -sunnie

Death = ?

Pic from Askville.amazon.com

I know. The title sounds morbid but I don't mean it that way. Just up pondering about the afterlife. It actually feels like a waste of time considering no one really KNOWS what's after this. We all have beliefs that we deem as truth but really they're just beliefs and comforting hopes. I think about my sister often. Wondering where she is or if she is. When she first passed I held on to the hope of a heaven. It got me through the pain of not having her here anymore. But now that it's my reality and I admit that I don't really know, I'm just curious. Here are the options I imagine:

1. Heaven. Streets of gold, pearly gates, Jesus in a white robe with a sash. God on the throne, angels circling and praising Him and millions of others souls joining in on the celebration. But then I'm not sure if that would be happening just yet because the bible says the dead are sleeping until they are awakened for judgement. (Or something like that). Either way, heaven is all good and all love. Except...I think my sister would be bored. Gold streets and pearly gates and everybody dressed alike is so NOT my sister's style. She was vibrant, colorful, expressive, silly, creative and artsy. Surely there's a Artist's Corner somewhere in heaven.....if there is a heaven.

2. Reincarnation. The First Law of Thermodynamics says "Energy is conserved. It is neither created nor destroyed. It only changes forms." Was her energy changed? Was she reborn as another baby somewhere, or as an animal or a tree? But geesh, to have to do this earth thing again? I don't know. I mean a do-over would be pretty cool, but do you remember the mess ups you had before so you don't repeat the same mistakes? Hmm, maybe she's a butterfly because she was really into them and at least it would be a whole new experience. Or perhaps she's out there in the universe as a star. I like that idea!!

3. Nothing. One of my agnostic friend's introduced me to the concept of "nothing". What if when we die that's it? The end. Game over. There is no spirit or soul, the brain's trillions of synapse stop firing, chemical processes stop processing and we cease to exist. That was hard to download in my thinking as an option initially because I had never ever in life considered that. But after I got past my years of indoctrination about heaven and hell being the only possibilities, I thought "OK, nothing isn't so bad." Actually it's a comforting concept to not have to worry about making the heaven cut, or being doomed to hell, or coming back as a cockroach! Maybe the memories and the affections I have for her are all that remain to exist. Maybe?

4. Hell. I use to believe in a hell eternity for all those who refused to accept Christ because I was taught to think that way. Then I stopped believing that people went to hell for simply not believing just as much as I stopped believing that people went to heaven simply for believing. I can't wrap my brain nor my heart around faulty, broken, mistake prone, potentially chemical imbalanced human beings going to hell to burn forever because of a hierarchy of bad deeds while the folks in heaven look down at them through see-through gold floors. And the God of all has His hands tied because he gave His unchangeable word. That to me is cruel, evil, and unloving. It doesn't add up to me and I'd rather use any faith I have for "good stuff". So hell is not even an option for me to ponder about my sister or anyone else for that matter. It's just not in me to accept that.

Now, after all that, do I have to have an answer? Can I just not know and settle there? I mean, is there anyway to be 100% certain? Not by faith nor by theory, can we know? The stories people tell of dying and returning after experiencing what they already believed to be true aren't convincing enough for me.  Nor are the atheists view of nothingness.  Seriously, how do we know? I just.........wonder.

Sade

The year was 1985. My middle school best friend, her sisters and me were waiting to see the #1 video on the countdown.  Then it was announced and the music began to play "no need to ask...he's a smooth operator..." We responded with a unified disappointed “Aw man!!!”.  I’m sure we were hoping to see Ready For The World or New Edition but nope, it was Sade. I think we watched for a few seconds and then headed out to the movie theater across the street from my friend’s neighborhood.

I didn’t appreciate that sort of music back then.  I mean I was a kid.  But fast-forward to 2011 as Helen Folasade Adu, the woman we know as Sade appears coming up from the ground at Philips Arena in Atlanta, lights low, with a slow stroll, the snare drum click-clacking clear as ever, as she sings “I’ve lost the use of my heart but I’m still alive…” I think, no I know, I had tears in my eyes.  Having gained experience, loved and loss, I now understand what she means.

This concert was the best I have ever been to.  It was emotionally moving, visually eye catching, musically OFF THE CHARTS, nostalgic as she sang songs that I have grown with and she looked AMAZING.  She was beautiful and ridiculously sexy although fully clothed; something music often lacks nowadays.  She sometimes wore an Audrey Hepburn inspired black top, ankle pants and flats, to a Irene Cara (via Sparkle) off-white gown with a hot pink peek-a-boo bra with bare feet and she closed the show in a candy apple red long sleeve dress. She oozed love, emotion, freshness, depth, pain and healing.  If you haven’t seen her live, please do.  This chick…I dig!

Check out this video from the concert.....she's SMOKIN'!!!

Who Started It? Who Ends It?

Pic from seriouslywhyallthedrama.blogspot.com

Honey and I enjoyed a beautiful walk at the park the other day with one of my girlfriends.  We did our typical catch up chitchat and like usual we ended up discussing change and growth in our lives.  I was throwing around thoughts about being treated well by the people in my life and treating those beautiful people just as well (to the best of my ability); a stark contrast from some of the bad relationships of my past.  She chimed in on her experiences too.  We went back and forth about the consistent treatment we receive from various people, the good and the bad. Then we pondered, "Why do people treat us the same way repeatedly? Do we cosign and reinforce the behavior even when we don’t want it?”  A Pastor I know use to say something like "You get two chances with me: 1) to make a mistake or bad decision regarding how you treat me and 2) do it again and that's the last chance you get.”

So what happens when we find ourselves in a sick cycle of drama complete with futile arguments, disrespectful communication, ugly cry tears, headaches and depression?  Who started it? Better yet how do we stop it?

Well, my friend I concluded that it’s up to us to take a long hard look at our actions. Decide what we really want for our lives and make choices to create the desired good.  We have to set boundaries and limits on how we treat others and the treatment we allow from others toward us.  If it’s good and wanted then we reciprocate, show gratitude, and love.  But if we don’t want it then say so, cut it off early on (or right now even if it’s been going on for years), white knuckle it and stick to your guns.  Not sure who coined the phrase “you teach people how to treat you” but I agree 100%.  But before we can teach anyone else, we have to teach ourselves to be good to SELF.  Once you get use to peace, love, support, respect, laughter, kindness, and goal oriented compromise, the foolish masochistic routines look less and less desirable.  Regardless of the nagging memoires of “sometimes we had fun” or the blindly faithful “maybe things can be different if I <insert whatever actions you’ll have to continue to keep mean people happy and satisfied>”. Remember my post about choosing what to feel?  This is where you have to focus on what you want more than the feelings that often make us weak and fall back into the drama.

Wait…I’m not saying people can’t change.  I am a believer in change.  But I do believe people have to want it for themselves.  And I believe that people can only change themselves.  No magic tricks. No spells and potions.  Just good old fashioned resolve to have a GOOD life!

I Have Found My Balance by TKB

Recently one of my friends shared an enlightening experience with me about choice power, self-awareness and growth.  I loved it so much that I wanted to share it with you!  Check it out:

Photo from The Parks Place

Earlier this year, I decided to take a break from drinking.  If I had to put a title on it, I would consider myself a "social" drinker. One can expect to see me with a glass at a party, an after-work function, restaurant, a Girl's Night Out and my monthly Happy Hours with friends.  Even at home I was known to have the occasional glass of vino or when I felt like being grand, a glass of champagne.  I wouldn't classify myself as an alcoholic because I truly enjoy the flavor and taste of wine, a good Mojito (thanks to my friend who I call the Mojito Master) and an ice cold beer every now and then.  For a long time I convinced myself that I was born in the wrong country.  If I were a European this would be no big deal in the least bit. But I let my mind and thoughts get the best of me and I started to wonder, do I depend on alcohol too much?  

The fact that the question even popped up in my head was reason enough for me to want to explore it more.  Because I decided to approach this year being all about "finding the balance", I thought this feat would prove to be a good one.  I set out to go 21 days without alcohol and then decided if I could do 21 I could do 40 and then I added on 5 days for good measure.  My 45 day stint, which is what I like to call it, was full of emotion and I learned a lot about myself and to me that is always a good thing.  This personal detox allowed me to really take a cold hard look at myself and how I handle situations without the crutch of being able to have a drink to relax me, mellow out, or calm down.  What I was left with were my true raw emotions untainted and ready to be dealt with whether I wanted to or not because there was no escape. 

The first thing I noticed was when things bothered me, whether at work or home, I didn't have the option to pour myself a glass of wine to relax and figure things out; it was either deal with it now or take a moment to assess the situation and then respond. Some situations proved to be more difficult than others but I got through it. Like any fast or detox, the beginning is the hardest and for me it lasted about two weeks.  I was retraining myself to just be, to think, assess and react rather than what I use do: think, have a glass of wine, assess and react. Another challenge for me was handling my social calendar.  Events didn't stop just because I was doing this.  There were still dinner invitations, parties, happy hour requests, wine tastings and the like to constantly try to shake my plight. And again, it was difficult especially after sharing the news of my alcohol detox my friends immediately wanted to know "What wrong with you?" or the question I found the most humor in, "Why in the world would you give up drinking?" These were followed by comments like "Better you than me", or "I could never do that."   However, I’m happy to say that I didn't succumb to the pressure. Suddenly I was proud of myself for creating a goal, and sticking with it.  My inner-being wanted to complete this self assigned task no matter what was thrown my way.  And what started out as a painful journey ended on a high.  Here’s what I got out of it:

• I know it's cliché but you can truly do ANYTHING you set your mind to.
• Self-evaluation and reflection is good and needed for growth and development.
• Battling your thoughts, emotions, and the day-to-day challenges will never be easy but it can be done.
• People will always have something to say when you are doing something different, don't let it shake you!
• On the other side of your challenge you will be a different person, embrace it.

With any new adventure or challenge, in some way shape or form, the experience will change who you are as person or at least it did for me.  While I still enjoy alcoholic beverages, I no longer use them as crutch.  When I have a glass of wine or a cocktail it's because I truly want to.  I am not trying to escape a situation, a thought, or an uncomfortable moment.  I am no longer hesitant to deal with my raw emotions and work through.  I have found my balance.

A Beautiful Mess

One of my favorite persons on the planet gave me the most unreal compliment the other day.  She sent a text asking “Have you ever sat and thought about how near perfect you are?”  Of course I laughed hysterically and responded with “You’re crazy!” We went back and forth a bit as I went on and on about the world and its ideal version of beauty and I just try to make the most out of the cards I’ve been dealt.  She lovingly ignored my response and listed several attributes that she sees in me from intellect to wit, from physical appearance to caring and sensitivity, from adventurous nature and sense of style, hair and skin...  She laid it on pretty thick and I almost wondered who she was talking about.  It was a long list and I’m too embarrassed to share it all verbatim.  But I blushed from ear to ear.  Laughing again I told her I found it funny sense I feel crazy most of the time.  She said “We all are….but you are a BEAUTIFUL MESS.”  I was at the DMV while having this text convo so I couldn’t cry like I wanted to, being the total mushy waterhead I am.  But I loved the thought of that…A BEAUTIFUL MESS.  Even with all that I see happening in the world, in the lives of my friends and family, coworkers and strangers, the good and bad, the misfortunes and the blessings, I see immense beauty that often leaves me in awe.  Human beings never cease to amaze me.  One minute we’re at war in foreign lands and in our homes but the next minute we’re holding each other and celebrating the smallest things.  A beautiful mess….yes, we are.

But to my Tina, who I hope and pray sees in yourself even half of what I see in you,

You my dear are unbelievably MAGNIFICENT.  From your long legs that go on for days to your humongous eyes that spark life in me whenever I see you.  Your smile beams. Your laughter is infectious and addictive.  Your sensitivity and care makes me feel safe and loved and supported.  I love that I can be myself around you without any apprehension or fear of judgment.  You reminded me of my worth when I forgot.  The grace in which you walk in enables you to take people in not just to your home but to your heart is nothing short of heavenly.  Your “fortitude” present today and apparent to me all of our lives wows me and reminds me that I can make stuff happen for myself.  You taught me that working hard for what I want is not only possible but a MUST.  Your hugs are what I look forward to whenever I see you.  My cousin, more like a sister….you are my heart.  I love you.  And hey, have you ever sat and thought about how near perfect you are?  Because I have.