Hurry Up, I Don’t Have Time….for LIFE

“Only bad things happen quickly.”

I read that this morning in a treasure of a book titled Too Soon Old, Too Late Smart by Dr. Gordon Livingston. The quote rang true with me. When I look at the wonderful things in my life I can see the step by step process it took to get to those goods. Seeing and feeling the benefits of working out & healthy eating, the process of forgiving, building great relationships, saving money, gaining useful education, learning to trust myself and others, getting a new job, growing my hair out, growing strong healthy nails after wearing acrylic nails, house training my dog, changing bad habits and thinking; the list goes on and on and on. Each of these goods took patience, determination, fortitude, discipline, effort, a daily and often a minute by minute choice to stay on track.

However the unwanted things I’ve experienced in my life or the “bad” took only a moment like a misspoken word that led to hurting a friend, getting into frivolous debt (for shoes, a handbag, a trip, dinner with friends), breaking trust by making a bad decision, losing a job, death of a loved one, hitting the snooze button on my alarm clock setting my entire day back by 30 minutes. Short of a miracle, “only bad things happen quickly” but good and lasting things take time.

“It is obvious that any process directed at changing…our well-established patterns of thinking and behaving is going to be an extended one and will involve efforts at gaining insight, reevaluating habits, and trying new approaches.” – Dr. Livingston

More often than not we don’t see when our behaviors aren’t serving us well and even when we do, changing those behaviors is less than instant even when we really, really, really try. To require instant change of ourselves and others is to “discount the well-established power of habit and the slowness with which we translate new knowledge into behavior” says Dr. Livingston. Do you think life would be a more enjoyable journey if we accept this reality instead of fighting against the natural progression of things? I do.

Sometimes we look at others who are happy and successful and have some aspect of good that we want for ourselves and fail to see the effort it took for them to get there. We call them "lucky".  I don’t know any superhuman individuals so I’m willing to bet they put in the time and effort required to create change and success just as well.

Accept that desired change and growth requires we enter the slow cooker and not the microwave rush we often wish for. Knowing what we want, being honest with ourselves and others about where we are, recognizing the tools we have or don’t have needed to get to the new “us”, gaining education, practicing, making mistakes and trying again is all part of the process. So give yourself a break.....relax and simmer.

Coming Out

What’s on my mind today? Coming out of the closet. I know so many people who are living in the closet in some way; sexual orientation, religious affiliation or the lack thereof, financial integrity, eating habits, relationship status, pretending to be “ok”, ya know, life choices in general. We hide. We pretend. Why?

The most loving experience I’ve ever had is being accepted for I am.   Being able to share without the fear of rejection (spoken and silent rejection) and being loved and liked all the same. When my loved ones seek to understand and not convert. It’s a lot to ask and hope for but call me crazy, I choose to hope. Here’s the clincher, in my quest for this acceptance of and for myself and who I really am, my heart has expanded with room for others and their hidden lives.  To be known and to know others. 

Understanding what it feels like to hide makes me a more empathetic, compassionate and accepting person.  I look for ways to see the good in people. Understand their plight. I put myself in their shoes. I'm not talking about secret murders here, just life choices.  I try to see and feel from where others stand. Doesn’t mean I always agree but I can be kind, accepting and understanding.  Especially when I remember being a rigid, judgmental, critical, elitist, dogmatic, religious fanatic that thought "my group" had the key to life. It was pretty pompous actually. Not to mention the enormous amount of hypocrisy that existed within “my group”. I truly had no room to judge anyone, then or now.  I don't know anyone who owns the patent on  truth.

There’s something very humbling about accepting yourself and not hiding or playing the part and then extending that acceptance to others. Life changing. Not sure what you may be “in the closet” about but “…when you feel like you don’t have to hide anymore, life just seems to open up a bit.” You are blessed with “an opportunity to be completely honest.” (http://theagnosticpentecostal.com/)

Real Hope vs. False Hope

I’ve been sitting on this thought for some time now, but here we go: What is hope? What is false hope? Let’s start with a few definitions from Dictionary.com:

Hope: 

the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best; a particular instance of this feeling ; grounds for this feeling in a particular instance; a person or thing in which expectations are centered; to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence.

Speaking from my personal experiences with hope I use to think it came from an outside force. I read and clung to as truth; bible verses, and lived my life based on those words regardless of what my reality was. I was taught from an early age and even into adulthood that this was how hope worked. I confess, that way of living has cost me a lot of time, money, stress and heartbreak and I would do it over and over and over again, still hoping. (Quite silly actually.  Isn't that called insanity? Eeek!)  What I’ve since learned, after realizing what didn't work, is that my hope must be based on something tangible. No matter how much I desire something I must have, as the dictionary defines hope, “grounds for this feeling” or “to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence”. Otherwise it’s false, for me anyway. Here are a few examples of how I see false hope in contrast to real hope:

At the end of the day we all “hope” for good in our lives.  I believe it’s a great feeling to carry in one’s soul. Hope gives us that little nudge saying that it will be ok, don’t give up. Feelings of “hope can give you peace of mind, relieve stress, and provide you the positive outlook and motivation that can lead to helpful actions”. (1) Even when things look bleak and unchanging, we can base our hope in the fact that things have changed before and they can change again. Now all we have to do is TAKE ACTION.

“Maintain hope when there is some possibility of a good outcome. Take constructive and responsible action to improve your chances. Do not abdicate your responsibility for caution, skepticism, and action by submitting to unfounded optimism. Hope is helpful when it results in positive action, it is unhelpful if it inhibits action.”(1)

“Hope is tested when what if meets what is. Accurate assessment, sound judgment, constructive action, and personal responsibility mark the difference between real hope and false hope.”(1)

I saw myself get hung up on hoping for specific situations to work out the way I wanted, or people to change into what I hoped they could be or even what I could be. What a realistic view of hope has given me is the ability to hope BIGGER but realistically. Meaning, MY LIFE is ok even if this situation isn’t. MY LIFE is not over because this relationship or job is.  MY LIFE is amazing because I accept who I am and who people are instead of spinning my wheels trying to control everything.   

“Real hope combines a hopeful outlook with a firm grip on reality.” (1)

I don’t believe in magic. I do believe in miracles and welcome them into my life; however, I’d rather never need one. Especially when I’ve already been given life, mobility, a brain, education, family, friends, work, real hope, faith and a multitude of other resources to help me learn from my mistakes and make better choices in the future.

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Quotes

(1) Emotional Competency - Leland R. Beaumont