Choice Theory

While having dinner with a group of friends and catching up on what we had all been up to I began to talk about choices.  I went on and on about the simple premise of “choice power”.  I grew up with my choices predetermined and options narrowed by religion, the lack of self-awareness and effective communication skills that often made me feel stuck in life.  But after experiencing some very difficult situations that included the sudden death of my sister, a painful divorce, betrayal from respected religious leaders (of which I based a lot of my life’s choices on), I came to the conclusion that I had better start living MY LIFE.  It was hard because I felt like I was going against the grain within myself, my family and friends and spirituality.  It would have been easier to blame others for my pain, heartbreak, loneliness and be mad at everybody else (and that worked for a while) but it offered no resolve nor peace.  So I decided to dig deep, explore new thoughts and ask for help from God, friends, family, counselors, books etc.  I knew that there were things I clearly didn’t understand but when you’ve been conditioned to not ask questions and just do what you’re told, you lose touch with reality, self-awareness and choice.  Growth and development is stunted.  But I fought for my freedom and won.  I took baby steps and started making some major choices that changed my thinking, relationships, spirituality, sexuality, finances, health, self-esteem, ideas about love and overall happiness. 

I’m not saying that I have figured life out especially since I see life as a journey to explore and learn from daily not some case to crack.  However, if I did have the “answer” to life I’d bottle it up and sell it on one of those “As Seen On TV” infomercials and be next BIG THING.  But what I am saying is that I became aware of the power I was given to make free will choices and that what I was experiencing in my life was more my doing or not doing than some ex-husband, the “man” or the devil.  I learned to stop trying to control everybody else and just “choose” for me.  It was no easy task because often those choices put a wedge between me and my family and friends.  I was becoming my own person and others didn’t like it (neither did I sometimes).  Shoot,  a wedge was forming between my spending habits and my savings account, my sleeping habits and getting things done, my eating habits and the gym, my childhood “god” and the divinity within me that was me.  I was challenged in every way, but I was becoming more honest and authentic, creative and confident, and that fueled the fire in me to stay on task.  I felt a bit like a scientist doing research, testing theories and recording the outcomes.  I saw life changing and working for me.  I saw myself grow (up) tremendously. 

So back to that dinner I mentioned earlier.  I told my friends about my theories and tests.  I talked about how I was writing it all down, sharing it with kids I mentored and other friends that were having difficulties in life and how beautiful it was to watch them see their power.  I knew this was something I wanted to do with my life; share choice power, as I understand it, with the world or at least anyone that would hear me.  One of my friends asked “Have you heard of Dr. William Glasser?”  She went on to tell me about Choice Theory, a psychotherapy he created in 1965.  Glasser’s theory concludes that “we are social creatures and need each other and that the cause of almost all psychological symptoms is our inability to get along with the important people in our lives.”¹  Choice Theory replaces external control (trying to make people do what we want) with making caring choices (supporting, encouraging, listening, accepting, trusting, respecting, negotiating differences) that help bring more authenticity to life and relationships.   He developed the ten axioms of choice theory as:

• 
  
  The only person whose behavior we can control is our own.
• All we can give another person is information.
• All long-lasting psychological problems are relationship problems.
• The problem relationship is always part of our present life.
• What happened in the past has everything to do with what we are today, but we can only satisfy our basic needs right now and plan to continue satisfying them in the future.
• We can only satisfy our needs by satisfying the pictures in our Quality World.
• All we do is behave.
• All behavior is Total Behavior and is made up of four components: acting, thinking, feeling and physiology.
• All Total Behavior is chosen, but we only have direct control over the acting and thinking components. We can only control our feeling and physiology indirectly through how we choose to act and think.
• 
  
  All Total Behavior is designated by verbs and named by the part that is the most recognizable. 

Glasser’s theories were sparked by Williams T. Powers, a scientist who developed perceptual control theory (PCT) which emphasizes that “behaviour is purposeful rather than "reactionary".”²  I love that!!  Let me say it again:

“behaviour is purposeful rather than "reactionary"

Can you feel the power in that statement?  We do stuff on purpose whether we want to admit it or not.  We behave as we choose to.  Our choices are our lives.  These concepts were like music to my ears and joy to my heart.  I felt like I was no longer speaking a foreign language.  Needless to say I jumped in head first to study these theories and more like them and drank it all up like water and along came My Choice, a program I developed to introduce these thoughts to others.  I saw what I call “choice power” everywhere, in movies and televisions shows, heard it in music, read it in the bible and other religious writings.  I saw it in my life and it changed me.  My hope is that it will enrich the lives of others as it has for me.

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¹ http://www.wglasser.com/

² http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Perceptual_control_theory