Relationship Talk

I was chatting with a friend about love and relationships.  We talked about exercising choice power while dealing with the emotional sides of a relationship.  In particular loving from choice vs loving from...mmm...desperation and emotions alone.  Here are a few points we settled on during our conversation:

1. Choices must be made whether your feelings agree with your head or not.  Sometimes it seems easier to give way to emotions and clam up to avoid issues or to snap at someone during frustrating moments.  However, when emotions are leading we often find ourselves saying things we don't mean, agreeing to things that really go against our character, compromising our "self" and character.  But there are things that must be done regardless of how we feel, choices that have to be made, conversations that have to take place etc.  Avoidance often leads to resentment.  It's like a simmering pot waiting to boil over or dry up.  Either way, the issue will show up again.  Might as well deal with it in truth and courage.  Besides, you want your partner to be in love with the real you, not the you you pretend to be. 

2. You gotta have it to give it. Self-awareness is key.  The more in tune you are with your strengths and weaknesses, your hang ups and fears, your gifts and skills, the more you can address issues in a realistic way.  Getting ego out of the way and allowing yourself to be vulnerable allows for more love and connection to happen in a relationship.  If there's something you simply don't have a clue about, say so.  To pretend or to told hold someone to an unrealistic standard when you yourself can't do it nor can your partner, is a waste of energy and of time that could be used to nurture your relationship.  Know what you have to give, be honest about where you lack skills and understanding and then get help to grow.   

3. Response determines the outcome, not the initial conflict.  Every relationship has conflict, even healthy relationships (if there's never any conflict then it's possible that someone is hiding and compromising self).  Coworkers, family, romantic and friendship relationships  all have areas of disagreement and that's not a big deal.  The issue is how we respond to the conflict.  We can get further with listening to understand (even if we don't agree) as well as speaking to clarify (even if it takes saying it a different way).  And after all that sometimes you have to walk away knowing that you have a difference of opinion but maintaining a mutual respect for individuality.  Besides, who wants to live in a world where everyone is a carbon copy of you? Boring.